I moved in with my dad after my husband left me. Since then my father has become completely dependent on me. What should I do?

Lor, I'm worried that because of being abandoned by your husband, and your mom hadn't been dead that long before, that you and your dad set up an unhealthy situation between the two of you. Now I'm NOT talking about incest, but emotionally it does sound like the two of you moved into an unhealthy dependent relationship when you moved in. I vote for you and your kids to move out before it becomes impossible for him to let you go. You both filled a need in each other at the time, but it's time to move on.

I agree since you found a place and goodgracious you are working planning to go back to school and raising kisd and have to deal with your father God would be depressed call social service and tell them how he is treating you and let them come up with a solution do you 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for and often when that happens the person bing care for gets up from the couch and goes on to lead a life of there own-I had to put my foot down and say I could no longer take care of my husband and THEN everyone involved who had watched me implod for years said you are right.

Alwaysmyduty, thank you for saying those things I was thinking but didn't have the gumption to say.....things like if Lor's father has dementia ( and it sounds like he may) , it will only get worse. How true this is, and I see it in my own father. ( I've saved a couple old telephone messages from my father to remind me of the "former, more with-it Dad".) Also what you said, Always, about sibs who stay away and don't help. These are all hard truths which are all too common. I know there are people reading this board who are in their eighties and nineties who don't have dementia and these people are fortunate, but if we look at the statistics, a certain percentage of people will get dementia if the good Lord lets them live into their eighties and nineties. (can't give you exact percentage but it is higher than one would think). Lor, you have heard such necessary and helpful comments from Always, and now you have so much that you need to know in order for you to grab a hold of your life and take charge of your life and your energies, and the fact that you still have children to take care of. If you end up moving into your own place, you will probably find that you have more energy to take better care of your father from that vantage point.... Because your spirit will be strengthened.

Lor, glad to hear from you with more info on your situation. Sorry, I don't know why I thought you had a daughter.
Sounds like your dad may have dementia which explains the verbal abuse. Let me say, it'll only get worse.My dad had Alz. Only you can decide if you're going to stay with dad and be his caregiver, are you ready for this journey? Read a lot of the posts here so your eyes will be wide open before you commit. I agree with anne123, there is help for your dad and you can also get that condo you looked at.
You have sibs like most of us, useless and unwilling to share the responsibilities for the parents. They don't have the right to bully you into taking on this load.
Remember, your sons need you and they have to be your first priority. You have to address your depression. Don't feel like all of this is hopeless, you can find a solution. Finding the answers now will save you more heartache down the road. Please know you have lots of company here. It's a wonderful place to learn, vent, share and even laugh.

Lor, I have a couple questions....Does your father need to have someone living with him in order to help him out, or can he live alone and take care of himself all right? When you say you asked your siblings for help, what kind of help did you want from them? DId you want your siblings to share in the care of your father, and if so how?

Without knowing the answers to these questions, I did notice in your most recent post that you became depressed right after your father "reacted badly" to your saying you had found a condo to move to yourself.
This means that your feeling "controlled" by your father is making you depressed. So my thought would be that you would be happy if you could be out on your own. This would be my first choice for you, so that you can be happy and independent, and focus your main energies on your children and yourself. Help could be arranged for your father without you having to live with him----home health aides, and so on.

I hope you get all this sorted out....

I want to thank all of you for your comments and encouragement. BTW I have a son, not a daughter. I do work as a nurse and I am about to start my Masters program this fall. I have a great job. I, and my boys (now age 9 and 20) moved in with my Dad when my husband left 5 years ago. My mother had just passed away and my Dad was in this large house by himself. Our relationship was fine when I first moved in but over the past 7-9 months he has become increasing forgetful and sooooo cranky and sarcastic. He argues with my 9 years old daily, the 2 of them try to reason with each other-not happening!!! Since becoming a single Mom I have not had the opportunity to have my own place with my own things ( everything would have to be new since my husband took EVERYTHING) I often daydream about buying new dishes, towels, furniture and everything. My Dad reacted so badly when I told him 3 months ago that I found a perfect little condo that I wanted to move into-basically told me I was not to leave him in his mental state. I have been very depressed since then. I still have not received a satisfactory response to my cry for help to my siblings. I have received a total of 3 emails with links to living with depression. I am normally a very happy, sensitive, very easy-going person but I feel absolutely trapped.
I wish I had known about this site earlier. All of you have allowed me to realize I am not alone! THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU!!

I agree you need to get away being verbally abused is very hurtful I was and for a long time I thought it was all my fault things started changeing when I realized I did not deserve to be treated like that he was still verbally abusive but I did not accept that I was at fault-even if you have to rent a room for you and your daughter for now until you get on your feet-I am assuming you stay with him because you can not afford to be on your own-check with social services in your area they help married mothers who are in abusive relationships maybe they would have some advice and help for you.

LOR, I agree with edvier. If you are in a position to move out and on with your life, go for it. If you are not able to support yourself financially, start looking for a job that will enable you to start rebuilding your life financially. Even if you start with a part-time job, it means that for part of each day, you will be out of your Dad's home. It may take awhile, but you have to re-build your own life. Your Dad is getting older and so are you. Let him know that you will be less available as you work at re-establishing your own life. From the way you have described your siblings, you are on your own in forging ahead. Don't delay for your own sanity. Good luck.

As Ed said, we don't know if you need to live with your father due to financial need on your part. If you can manage financially on your own, in my opinion you ought to move out and be on your own with your daughter. Then you can assist your father from a place where you have your own space.

LorLor, Alwaysmyduty, is right on the money. The key to your whole situation is "control". Right now dad seems to be in control of you. That has to change in a hurry. Realize it is his home, but your there working and doing the best you can with him and your daughter. If you don't start to take full control of him, and his actions, you are going to start to wear down, and that will not do you or your daughter, or even dad any good. Sit down and have a heart to heart with dad. If talking or reasoning won't help, you are going to have to get your own place with your daughter. Tell him that and be firm. Good uck to you.....:)

LOR:

If you're a self-reliant woman and your father is too much for you to handle, get your own place after you've arranged for his care. But if you have no income whatsoever to be able to live on your own, then caring for your dad is your job -- so you depend on him as well. Browse the Internet for financial assistance for caregivers so you can have a little something to show for the tons of stress and the sacrifices you're having to make in the name of love.

Lor, I'm not sure of your circumstances but does your dad have medical problems or dementia? Are you living with him because you needed a place to stay after your husband left? Are you there because dad requires care? It sounds like your dad and sibs dediced you were going to be appointed the caregiver when you were at your lowest moment. If so, shame on them. Do you have plans to move with your daughter to your own place? It also sounds like you are beholding to your dad for the place to stay and that's not a good position to be in.
Are you supporting him?
What concerns me is the way your father talks to you. As a verbal abuse recepient my whole life, it makes me cringe when I see others being abused and it sounds like your dad is verbally abusing you. You don't deserve it nor does your daughter need to be witnessing her mom being abused. Please see if talking to your dad will help. He may be rough around the edges and not realize his words and tone are hurtful. Or he may know exactly what he's doing. If it continues after you've told him he needs to be respectful of you, then you and your daughter need to get out of that environment. If you can't leave, you will have to talk to dad. It'll only get worse with the passing of time. You have to take control because it looks like there's nobody else to help you. Prayers to you.

If your father can make deliveries for your sister it sounds like my husband was he could go out and do yard work but could not open the refrig for himself to get a drink and when he was mad at me he could fix himself a meal what I had to do is just take myself away from his field of vision and become a little hard of hearing or say I will be back in an hour if you need something and you are working and raising a child-he is being unreasonable and the sooner you tell yourself that over and over and refuse to cater to him you may have to sit down with him and list what you will do and what you will not do girlfriend you are killing yourself-when I was going through the same thing a friend told me about her friend who did everything for her husband and then she died and he got up and started doing things for himself and got a social life and my lawyer said 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for -have him hire an aid to do things for him-you have toput your foot down