I want to care for my mother in her home, but my relatives want to take her to live with them and have me pay for adult day care. What should I do?

LynnPO, your advice was perfect, especially the part about not sacrificing your own, your spouses or your kids lives and finances. You are a very wise person!

I must say that deefer and bobbie have good points. It's clear that your cousins don't have "auntie's" best interests at heart or they'd help her stay in her own home. First - DO NOT pay for adult day care when you're not in charge. No one can make you do this and they are just using you. It's hard to stand by when you know someone is unfair, dishonest and taking advantage of a vulnerable adult, especially when it's within your own family. Without adult day care your cousins may quickly get tired of "auntie" and send her packing, her money might be gone by then but you'll have to deal with that as it comes. While the money from a reverse mortgage might not seem like a lot to you, for people in "poorer" circumstances, it's probably a huge windfall. If that happens you can always send the authorities after them for elder abuse.

Moving difficult parents or other elders into your own space is REALLY, REALLY hard - been there and it almost made me crazy. DO NOT do it if you have kids at home or a partner who can't handle it. DO NOT sacrifice your own, your spouses or your kids long term health, loving relationships and financial security to help - it is NOT worth it. The advice to take a step back is wise but hard on you I'm sure. You'll feel guilty but I urge you to seek some counseling to deal with it. You've tried all you can, your Mom began to create this situation for herself years ago through addiction. It's good of you to look past it all and want to care for her but she's refusing that so be kind to her when you can, help her within limits and know that you've done nothing wrong.

My first gut reaction to your post is that something smells fishy. I could be very wrong, but that is what my gut says. I am suspicious. Why would you want a woman who is just coming out of rehab to sleep on a couch and go to adult day care all day around a bunch of strangers? And have you pay for it? First, I don't know how she can make you pay for adult day care...just too fishy. Might want to seek another opinion from another lawyer.

Maybe you should step back and let things ride as they are. It sounds like there isn't a whole lot you can do at this point. You are not responsible for your mom's bills or care.
It sounds like you don't have good memories of growing up around your mom. Do you want to take care of her out of love, or do you want to be with her to get the closeness you didn't have growing up?
This may sound awful, but if they have cut all ties with you, then maybe you should do the same. It's bad enough caring for someone you have a good relationship with, but I fear you would only have much heartache if you pursue this. Let it go for a while and see how long it lasts before your family comes crying to you! They have no idea what they are getting into. If and when they finally call you to dump on, give them back a dose of the same medicine they gave you.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Just remember, if you do take on caring for Mom, it is a huge commitment that is very hard to back out on!

Ok now I have been cut off from my mom, My cousin have moved or cancled all joint accounts. Stoped or redirected her credit cards changed her address and poisened her against me. She told relitives today she is having nothing to do woth me any more...I NEED HELP!!! Police do NOT care, will do nothing because my cousin will not answer her phone. My Mom was seen around today as smiling and happy, acting silly all in the presance of a known drug user...............yet no one will even do a walfare check! HELP ME PLEASE

Thanks all for your suggestions.
It is a very long story, aren’t they all?! My Mom has alcohol dementia, she has been a very heavy drinker for 60+ years. My Mom has a home in CA and I live in NE, we were supposed to let her go home with some monitoring and I do all the bills, some shopping, and run all issues from here. Internet is wonderful. But a relative (cousin) we have not heard from in 7 years as my Mom alienated her then has decided she knows what is best for my Mom and convinced her and some of my other relatives to “take her side”. My Mom is VERY difficult to deal with, while in the hospital the first 3 weeks she had to be sedated just so the hospital staff did not get hurt, biting, hitting, spitting.

She is over the DT’s so better now, but Why have a home in Reverse Mortgage when my cousin is now telling her she should NEVER return there because of to many bad memories. And make me cover all the expenses of the house, and now add in daycare, which she does not “need” , she just needs someone to make sure she takes med’s and does not leave food out…a long time issue. Yes keeping her from Vodka is going to be top shelf, but full time day care so my cousin can be accommodated? And my Mom can sleep on her sofa? I talked to our Lawyer and he said as long as Mom go’s then I have no choice. But what about all the other bills? And the fact I have flown home every year at my expense, something that put me in dept each time, to deal with issues and NO-ONE ever helped. Left me to deal as they all were put off years ago with my mom’s nasty words.

I’ve made tons of sacrifices, like all of you and now when she’s not drinking my “Fam” wants to take over and what I and Mom want, well too bad.
I worry there are ulterior motives a foot, as they all seem to think my Mom has tons of money. She does not, and I’m still paying off bills and back taxes she just ignored for over a year.
I can’t drop everything and run out there again I lost my job and have medical issues too. Some springing form dealing with Mom.

Also if mom can not make it at home alone, I have a second home on my property and can care for her there with help from people here that are trained and would cost way less than CA.

So we’ll see what happens with my mom in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with the families “let me tell you how to live life right” cousin.

Usually you get a reverse mortgage is so you can stay in your home and get care there there are rules you have to follow Maybe the relatives do not know this or they have some mistaken idea of how it works and if she could use the money from the mortgage for day care while not in her own home and anyway she is your Mom why are they getting involved if she took out the reverse mortgage and she probably did then he needs to do what she wants and you do not even know if she will like that day care and some senior centers have day care which is very affordableit might be worth it to see an elder lawyer she should be able to pay for it from the mortgage that is what it is for anyway I would be suspect of those relatives let us know how this goes this is a new wrinkle to me,

Mikki why do your relatives want your mom with them? Are you saying you will move from Nebraska to Cali to care for your mom?

Think about what deefer says, it's quite a lot of work, but paying a mortgage on a home that's MT doesn't make much sense.

It's a rough decision and if your mom is in her right mind talk to her and see if the two of you can make the decision.

By the way have the relatives asked your mom what she wants to do?

Most caregivers will tell you that keeping the elderly in their own homes and familiar surroundings, is the best way. But you need to know how much work it is and be prepared for things to get worse as time goes on.
I quit my job over 2 years ago when Mom came home from rehab. A 12 week " Family Medical Leave" has turned into 2 very difficult and long years. That being said, we all know that Mom wouldn't have lasted a year in a nursing home.
You have a difficult decision ahead of you, but she is your mom and if capable, should be able to help you make that decision. Good luck!

To bein with-I would think that the person with POA can decide your Mom's living arrangements-if you Mom is not able to do so. I also think you are on the right track of taking care of her in her home-or perhaps she can go to you., Going to a small one bedroom apartment-in my estimation would be a major inconvenience for everyone involved. Check out these suggestions Mikki, and good luck.
Hap