How can I convince my elderly mother to put my abusive and ill father in a nursing home?

It is important to find out all the reasons that your mother is resistant to the idea of putting your father in a nursing home. Address each issue one at a time. Remember that losing your life partner is traumatic, even if it is just living apart. There are probably many fears underlying her risistance. Is it loneliness, uncertainty, monetary, loss of identity, etc?

A statistic you might point out to your Dad is that 60 % of caregivers will predecease their loved one. I have seen this happen... What happens to your Mother if something happens to your Father??? take care... social workers can be a VERY valuable resource.

Getting the social worker idea is excellent. My dad is also "stuck" on keeping mom home until death-his or hers. I have been searching for ways to convince him that his vows did not include the extreme measures that he has adopted to keep her home. Health care workers are objective and can help the elderly with both their medical and emotional needs. They can provide the resources to help with the financial issues to qualify for long term care. Excellent and thanks to Kathy Duckett.

When my mother-in-law became abusive (because of dementia/Alzheimers), we had the doctor make the suggestion to our Dad. He still refused. But after a subsequent short hospital stay, we got a social worker involved and had her placed in a nursing home. It was extremely tough on Dad. The nursing home staff was wonderful - they comforted Dad a lot. They suggested keeping him away for the first three days until she calmed down. It worked!! After that, he went and visited her every day. He sat with her outside. The doctor and the social worker were the key to our success!

First, your father would have to meet the criteria for nursing home care. Other options (and less restrictive are assisted living facilities and in home care). You might want to consider opening a dialog with your mother about your concerns and find out what her concerns and wishes are. If your father is competent, he cannot be "forced" into a nursing home without his consent. Maybe some family counseling would be helpful so that all parties concerned could be heard in an atmosphere that is non-threatening. I can't help but wonder if your father's abusive behavior is new and possibly related to the stress he is going through, or some other problem that could be causing a change in behavior. Sometimes behavior can be a form of communication for those who for whatever reason lack the capacity to communicate their needs, feelings etc. effectively.

Your mother may feel too guilty to put your father into a nursing home (even if it would be the best thing for your father and your mother). In a family situation I know of, when an adult child knew it was time for the father to go into a home, that adult child (the oldest son of the family) told his mother he was going to talk to the father and then did so. He told his father that the mother could no longer do the caretaking and it was time the father went to a home where he would get all the care he needed. The father took the news well and the son was very involved in getting the father physically moved into the nursing home. But even if the father had not taken the news well, the son (and his siblings) would have insisted that the father move into the nursing home. It is my opinion that the burden (and the possible guilt feelings) of making the decision to move a sick elderly person into a nursing home should not fall just to the mate of the elderly person.

I totally agree with Jaye on this one. I also would have to go thru her doctor to make the suggestions for my own Mom. You may also want to approach your local agency on aging for their input.
Good luck!
Hap

I would encourage you to talk with the Dr... It is really better for the Dr to make the suggestion. Often times parents will resent being told what to do by someone they still view as their child. I know this is tricky situation for you... take care I hope everything works out...