Mu mother is in assisted living and keeps telling me she wants to die. She says "I hope your children don't put you away like this." What do I do?

sylvester18,
Is that why you had children???? WRONG REASON!!!!!!
Did you raise your own servants??? Maybe you should re-examine your motives. I can imagine you'll be a real handful when you are old.
I'll be praying for your children & hope you don't destroy their lives on your way out.

If life " is hard, cruel, but we can't do anything about it', then we might as well all just throw in the towel and roll over and die. I TOTALLY disagree with that statement.
Family is family, and family members should be ASHAMED of themselves to place a family member in a place where they will not be taken care of as good as they would be at home with family members. People need to remember, unless an elderly person is completely out of their minds, they STILL know what face they are looking at truly loves them. And they know that they love them. Just because a person gets old doesn't mean they are not the same person in their soul, spirit. People seem to forget that all those years of these same elderly people donated time, money, more time and more money, and more time and more money to raise these people who now just refuse to sacrifice any of their own time and or money to return just a small portion of the care the parent gave them. If your Mother is complaining about being in the place she is in, you need to investigate it FURTHER and see WHY she is feeling this way. It may be she is being mistreated by someone else, or maybe she isn't being visited enough by her own family. Let's put it this way, if I am put away in a place with strangers when I am old, ALL of my assets go to a CHARITY of my choice, NOT to any of the people who placed me in a nursing home. People will probaly resond and say that I am being unfair or selfish, NO, I am expecting family to be there for me as I have been there for them and have now been given the entire load of taking care of my Mother when I have two siblings who do not help do anything.

I am an RN in a nursing home, and watched as a family listened to their mother insist she was going to kill herself if they left her in there. They were patient and kind, and we spent a lot of time helping her get reacquainted with old friends in the facility. One day she said to me "I hope whoever put me in here dies!" I was thrilled with that statement, as was her family, because it was a transfer of anger, and a sign of her accepting her situation. They said their mother was always mad at someone or something - the President, the Landlord, the Tax Man - always someone who had some kind of control over her, and knew someday it would be them.
It is hell to get old, but the ones who thrive in long term care are the ones who manage to develop new relationships within the facility, whether it be another resident or a staff member, particularly if they are resentful of family members who are "on the outside". Our secretary's dog has attached herself to a "grumpy old man" in our facility, and visits him daily. The Social Services girl has provided him with a bag of treats for his new friend. His attitude has mellowed considerable for this simple new relationship.
If your mother has resigned herself to make you miserable for her situation, so be it. She survived your teenage years, so consider it payback. But see if you can find someone she could develop a new relationship with. Community churches are a wonderful resource with loving people willing to spend some time with your mom.
As far as our suicidal old woman, the other day she told her son "I'm mad at you because you never come see me often enough!" He was so happy, he left with tears in his eyes, knowing his mom was happy where she was and back to her same old complaining.

JOYCE:

If she's in AL, it means she can get around on her own but may need help with some activities of daily living. It's not the end of the world unless the AL is like a Purgatory. Lines like "I want to die" and "I hope your children don't put you away like this" are designed to flip the script on you and pour on the guilt until you can't take it anymore and bring her home with you. And if she was a nitpicking handful before the AL, she'll continue making you feel guilty for having "put her away."

Tell her you understand the AL isn't the Hilton, but the bottom line is that you can't take her home, she needs assistance that you can't provide, and that this is all there is so she better make the best of it. If she wants to argue the point, stand your ground and say "Mom, we're not having this conversation. ... Period."

thank your all for your support. Husband is in hospital now, so I have not been able to respond to each of you. But I do appreciate everything and will try to add some input later

Thank you all

A period of adjustment is in order. She will make new friends and become comfortable eventually.
In the meantime......make her new space as much as you can HER space. Bring as much of her stuff into the area as safely possible. She will feel more comfortable surrounded by her own things. Art is important!!! Photos & nick nacks are important!!! Ask her where she wants them placed & how to arrange them.
As she makes friends; tell her to have them into her apartment to visit. She can throw a party (small) with your help. Find out about the activities there & try to get her involved. Have her invite her friends from her last home over to see her "new place".
Use your imagination & come up with your own ideas to help the transition.
She will continue to complain until she feels comfortable. You would too.
I don't like my mom often myself. It's all part of the caregiver thing but we press on. My mom can be as mean and hateful as anyone could be, but we try again the next day to be pleasant and helpful. They get very selfish and even abusive sometimes. You need to set boundaries as far as what you will & will not put up with. Try not to take it personally. They will tug at your heart strings if you let them.
Praying for us.

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. It is really helpful to know that you have been there and can relate to what I am going through. it is a day to day process and I feel frustrated and angry some days, I pity her some days, I love her some days, I don't love her so much other days. (No, I love her always)-- but I don't like her some days. Some days I can't get it off my mind, some days I can. Today was a better day. I have to feel ( and my other siblings have to feel) like we are doing what is best for her. She makes that hard sometimes. She doesn't understand and wants things to be the way they used to be. We cannot make that happen, but that is so hard to tell someone. Especially your mother. Thank you all again for your help. I really appreciate it.

You might try and see if she has specific complaints. It might be that a change could be made there that would help her or it might turn out that it isn't the best place and you could find a better one. My grandmother was first in a home that looked lovely - but it turned out the care wasn't the best. Then we put her in a home that did not have the most up to date facilities but the people were terrific and that made a huge difference.

Emerald4Me, it sure is not easy for anyone, be it our parents, or us as caregivers. Life is hard for sure.

I would take those statements much like a 2-year-old not wanting a nap: it is good for them even though they don't want it. You and your siblings (do you have siblings) could not care for her. She could not live alone, that had become dangerous. Wether she likes it or not, it was the best decision for her circumstances. If you do have siblings, bring them into it. When she says something like that again say "All of your children thought this was best because you could no longer live at home because of ......" Or you are just going to have to ignore her outbursts. Not easy.

Lilliput, like you, my sole objective is to keep my Mom out of a nursing home or institutional setting for as long as I possibly can, for the very same reasons you have shared. I like your use of the word warehouses. They are, and there is nothing humane about them in my opinion. Ultimately, the choice may be taken out of our hands on whether we can keep our mothers out of the sterility of nursing homes, but at least we are trying our very best. That's all we can do. It's why joyceloney's mother's comment makes so much sense to me. She human and finds herself in a depressing situation. I might not want to open my eyes each morning if I were in a nursing home, either. You have shared what some family members have experienced once they place their loved ones in nursing homes. Once the human spirit is broken, there is no reeling it back in. Takes no time for some folks to go downhill once thy are in nursing home custody. It's custody - not residence - regardless of the euphemisms used by the industry. Nursing homes fulfill a social and business need and it's good they exist. Doesn't mean that some elders or some family members have to rejoice and be glad.

I have always thought that there should be a much more humane alternative to asst. living and nursing homes. I am in total agreement with Isabel - these facilities are warehouses and one will never get the care that family can provide. When I was younger I knew very few people who were in nursing homes.
Whenever I make decisions for my Mom I try to put myself in her shoes at her age and ask myself what is the best possible solution. Sometimes I don't have an answer. But, for the most part, living independently has kept her spirits up and saved her health. I do not know how long this will be possible, but I keep searching for a way to keep her out of institutions.
As for her complaining, let it roll off your back. Everyone needs a chance to vent. When you are nearing the end of your life, it is hard to spend the rest of it couped up with no where to go. I would be cranky too.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Since she's only in an asst living, then that has GOT to be better than a nursing home. Getting old stinks, and having to be put somewhere that you don't want to go, stinks too. But it is what it is, and it's gonna happen to everybody sooner or later (doesn't mean she has to like it though.) Tell her that you wish you could turn back time to where she was healthy again and didn't have to be anywhere but home. She knows in her heart that she has no choice, so let her complain. As far as I know, complaining hasn't killed anyone yet.

Hi, joyce, I agree that you shouldn't allow what your Mom has said to bum you out any more than it already has. Unless she has some cognitive decline issues, though, her statement makes a whole lot of sense, actually. It may be hard to hear her throw those words out at you, but if she is saying what she really feels, I know that some folks who are entirely reasonable feel the same way.

One of my friends who is in my age group and loves his children dearly, has always told me privately that he "hopes to God" they never put him into a nursing home. He should know. He has worked in nursing homes over the years.

Still, he, your mother, and, anyone who may feel that way is entitled to feel the way they do. Doesn't make them bad people, though it may mean that they are running scared, just as some folks run scared of nursing homes' reputations.

I am not a fan of nursing home living, either, but I also agree with the person who said that if that day comes, I know that it happens, and, life is hard as the other person also said. Nothing wrong with allowing your Mom to feel a little sorry for herself. Nursing homes can be depressing, if only by virtue of the fact that they represent end of life issues, and are never like being in the comfort of one's own home. Other nursing home residents are not the same as family.

Being in any institution brings a major loss of independence. On the wanting to die part, maybe she really means that. Even if that is the case, though, all you can do is to be supportive of her without ruining your own mental health and self-esteem because of her comments. Hope you can let go of it soon in proper perspective.

I wholeheartedly agree with the person who suggests that finding a way to cope may be a help. Good luck in dealing with this!

Joyce, I remember when my mother ( now deceased) began saying things to me like the statement your mother made to you. It was a sad time because I knew that my mother's mind was on the decline, just like her body. She was no longer thinking as rationally as she once was. Once she said to me: "Just wait till YOU'RE old!" . When I read what your mother said, it reminded me of what my Mom said. The point I want to make to you is this: It's no use trying to make sense of a statement like the one your Mom made. Yes, it sounded mean and threatening, but who knows how much of it she was really responsible for controlling coming out of her mind and mouth? On the other hand, if she has always spoken to you in occasional mean terms like that, then it may be more of the same, just intensified with her aging. To tell you the truth, the way I have survived hearing statements from my parents which could have felt hurtful to me....was that I started to ignore them. Just let the words go by and ignore them. And yes, I know, it's easier said than done. What you are describing is truly one of the hardest parts of caring for our elderly parents. With practice though, I found that I've gotten better and better at tuning out unproductive comments. I hope you find a way to cope, and maybe this will help.

Don't get crazy listening to your mother.PERIOD. my daughters after all I have done for them, tell me that they will put me in a nursing home. I am 46. married, working and healthy. they said that they are just kidding, but I hate that and I told them so.IS NOT A FUNNY JOKE>. Well, I am preparing my self mentally, so when I get sick and old and unable to care for myself to get a home attendant to continue living in my apt. and when that doesn't work anymore, I will go to a nursing home. That's life. is hard, cruel, but we can't do anything about it. Think about enjoying your life while you can and be prepare to face the future. Your mom is trying to make you fell bad. she tell you that she will die, we all will. we don't want to die, but we have no choice. you are not going to kill her, is the life's law. God's law. Don't let your mom's comments affect you because they always blame us for everything they are old and mentally ill. their brain's cells are dying and they can't think clearly.