My elderly father makes me do things for him by threatening to call 911 if I don't and report elder abuse. Can a caregiver be legally protected from abuse by an elder?
My father is 80 years old and he make me do things for him by threatening that if I don't he will call 911 and report elder abuse. Is there any legal protection for caregiver from abuse by elder?
Why does your father need a caregiver? I think that if he has dementia a different approach might be called for than if he has severe arthritis.
Are you his only caregiver? If not, does he treat the other caregivers this way?
What is the nature of the things he wants to make you do? Things he can/should do for himself? Things that shouldn't be done at all (like taking too much medicine)?
What are the realistic options for him if you were not able or willing to be his caregiver? Could he get by on this own, perhaps with some social services such as delivered meals or a visiting nurse, etc? Can he afford assisted living facilities? Are his needs such that a nursing home would be appropriate? I'm not sure I would pose these as threats or punishment for his demands, but it might be time to evaluate what the options are and what best serves his needs and yours.
My father was verbally abusive to my sister, who was his Legal Guardian while I was the Legal Conservator (he had to be declared legally incompetent). He lived in two different assisted living facilities and then was moved to an adult foster home. He got so abusive to my sister that she refused to be alone in a room with him. And I backed her up 100%.
Our father told anyone he could, including his pastor, that my sister abused him and hit him. Of course, the pastor had to investigate and called a meeting of our father, my sister, and the staff of the foster home - within 10 minutes he figured out our father was not telling an accurate story. End of discussion.
All of us have come from different home life situations...some good, some bad, some tolerable, but ok! If the time comes where you are the designated adult that requires you to care for an aging parent, you need to do some homework, and be prepared to be responsible for someone else. It might not be a good time for you, hard times are a fact right now, and maybe your parent figure hasn't been that great, when they cared for you...the fact is...your it!..."The Care giver" Have papers signed, and noterized as the legal gardian/conservitor for health care, financial. Check out if they qualify for services. Find out information about adult daycare facilities,or provide living space for your parents in your home or a facility outside the home according to their health care needs, and the costs. Both my parents moved into my home over a year ago. My dad is a disabled Veteran with Parkinsons, so I am appling for assistance through the VA.right now, and waiting to see if he qualifies. My Mother suffers from alzhiemer's and most the income she receives fron S.S. goes to a Daycare facility. (They only have Social Security) So we have applied for medi-cal I have to work, (I'm a nurse, on PM's) and my husband is very supportive, and helps out by picking up mom a day care after he gets off work.(AM's) But both of us are their only support, and I can't bring it to putting them in a convelesant Hospital. I have worked in a couple of facilities, and it's not a happy place. and affordible. So know, people aren't going to just give you financial help or information just because you are responsible for a parent, and can't afford it...You have to find things out, whats best for you. But it can work, and even though it's hard, it's the most rewarding thing you can ever do for parents who gave you life. I feel this site is very helpful...be patent and others will give you the answers you seek...hope I have.
When my Mom was living with me she was able to walk marathons so to speak as well as climb out windows. The local police were very understanding because they were aware of her condition. It got to the point I would call and say my Mom got out again. She would tell me I'm going to have you arrested when I was simply trying to get her to get in my car or in the house. One day a young officer unaware of the previous scenerios believed my Mom... she said I was hitting her, I was acting angry and upset natrually because I was losing it but I would never do the things she was saying. Luckily I asked him to ask the other officer what was the real deal and he assured him it wasn't me it was Mom's condition. So you may want to get it recorded at the local police office of his behavior prior to any crisis situation.
I have read a lot of answers here, good ones too. But its harder than that, my mom is like that. She is abusive to me, and has been for a long time....all my life. but I on the other hand put up with it now, she only has so long and I want to spend as much time with her as I can. but thats a sorry trade off......
Thanks for the info. sakhter. Far too many of us have been threatened by our parents in this manner. None of us should be manipulated like this for doing the RIGHT THING by our parents. I would still say to keep a log / diary though. We must protect ourselves even when we know our care is beyond reproach. We never know what they will do in those failing minds.
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and advice. Based upon your advice I met my lawyer and the information I got from him is summarized below. 1) My lawyer suggested that I should let my father call 911 so that he gets the taste of it and might stop using that threat in future. 2) When the officer shows up he or she will examine the situation and might not even file a report, the officer will probably just give some lecture. 3) If the situation warrants filing a report he may do so but only 5% of such reports are serious enough for district attorney to press any charges. 4) Charges of abuse are generally pressed in the case of financial or physical abuse. 5) If the charges are serious enough a restraining order will be placed and he will be taken away to a nursing home or elder facility which also means he loose the privilege of living in comfort of home.
So the bottom line is that if we believe we are not causing any abuse we should not worry about the threat. My father does not have dementia or any other impairment, he is in perfect health.
Has your father been evaluated for Dementia or Alzhiemer's disease? Have your fathers personal Physician, make a diagnosis or referral for an in home evaluation from your county. Provide information , of his threats, or unreasonable requests. Perhaps he feels he has lost control of his life, to care for himself and uses threats to feel in control. Until he excepts that he needs help to care for himself, you will need to wait. My father was a strong willed Man, He cared for my mom by himself who suffered from alzhiemers. Both their personal hygiene suffered, bills went unpaid, they had so many cats.The home was run down, and a feces odor. We had to have an Elder evaluation from the county come to the home to speak to my father. When they determined My father could not care for my mom as well as himself, and my mother suffered a Bladder infection and was hospitalized, we just had a family meeting. It was either, dad and mom stay in a long term care facility (Very expensive, lose everything or move in with me.( I was the only girl and willing too. I'm a lucky story though...My folks are very pleasent.. Dad is very appreciative. My mother attends Adult Day Care For your case, maybe a long term facility will be required. Don;t live in constant threats..you will become ill. If you have siblings...have a meeting..or they will be on your back and make things ugly as well.
Keep a diary. Document EVERYTHING!!!!! I know it's a pain but you have to cover your backside. The other alternative is walking away permanently. This may take some legal action on your part (notification letter, arrangements, etc.) Don't live with threats!!!!!!!
What kinds of things is he "making" you do? If he wants to call in because you didn't have time to go mow his lawn and pull weeds this weekend... let him call. It's no more of a threat than a 5 year old threatening to call the cops because you expect him to eat the 3 peas on his plate.
Does your father have any cognitive impairment of any sort or cause? This makes a HUGE difference in my mind about how to respond to this situation. Is this a manipulative behavior that is basically a plea for attention or is this a manifestation of a sense of helplessness and fear? Are there other resources or individuals that can give him the attention/assistance/reassurance he seeks? Also, what kind of demands is he making and threatening to call 911 if it doesn't happen? Are the demands actual needs or wants? If the behavior is a willful act of manipulation then I would respond very differently than if he has some cognitive impairment. Even mild cognitive impairment causes a decreased ability to problem solve reasonably and rationally.
Consult an attorney and find out the consequences - legal, financial, etc. of any course of action before implementing it. You may not like losing all control over what happens to your father should the authorities step in. He may not be able to afford to pay for the financial consequences and tyring to do so might place another burden on your family. Educate yourself first. My father in law admitted himself to a SNF because he was not feeling well and was lonely and we had to agree to provide 24/7 care in order to get him back out. We wish we had known that was a possibility beforehand. But once you know all of the possibilities - do what you can to prepare and protect yourself. Then hold firm on not being abused as others have suggested.
When my sons were teenagers and couldn't do whatever they wanted, they'd threaten to call the ACS and say I was abusing them. The first time I screamed "You're gonna have to make it to the phone!" and grounded them. That didn't work because when you ground your kids you're grounding yourself too. A week later, because I wouldn't let their girlfriends come over to "hang out" while I was running errands, they told me the police was on its way and that I was going to jail. I laughed and said "They're not going to come for me, they're going to come for you and put you in a foster home." The third time, without saying a word, I told them to come with me and took them to a strange building on 161st St. in The Bronx. It was Family Court. When they asked "Papi, what are we doing here?" I told them I was going to fill out some forms so I could turn them both over to the State. They realized I was serious about it, and got scared -- tears and everything. I had no problems after that.
My point? Refuse to be abused, even if it's your father. You're not his maid. (1) Whenever he threatens to call 911, don't say a word and hand him the phone. (2) Get a list of AL and NHs far from your home and ask him which one he'd like to go to -- permanently. Stand firm, don't negotiate your sanity, and enforce your boundaries consistently.
There needs to be an understanding between you, but above all there has to be respect.
Let him call 911 and if they call you, say "He did WHAT?! I was just there and he was fine...." Chances are he won't call 911 and if he does - so what! The "authorities" take these allegations seriously and - provided they believed him - they'd investigate his claims and find them false. Then the "authorities" would begin to wonder if he was still well enough to live at home. Tell him that...
Don't let your father manipulate you this early on in your care giving role. If he does it now, it will only get worse and you'll REALLY suffer! If he needs help be realistic about it - is it help or company he really wants? If it's company and the help is the sort of thing he could find in assisted living, perhaps that's the best place for him. If this manipulative man were MY dad, I'd never even consider him living with me or any other sibling. Your mental health and family well being is more important! It's very sad, however, it's all his own making.
What type of things is he making you do? Perhaps 'anger' is his way of dealing with not being able to do things for himself.
So many times 'threats' are hollow, but sometimes they are not. Be careful and if Dad lives with you, install a camera that will record his interactions with you.
This may sound like an invasion of "Dad's privacy" but I assure you that the authorities tend to believe a 'sweet old man' (or lady) before most caregivers. I had to document my mother's 'meal's since she would tell anyone that would listen, that she didn't have a THING to eat all day!! LOL When she was with me, she ate more than I did!! But who would you believe, a 92 pound grandmother, or a daughter almost twice her size??? LOL
All kidding aside, this is a serious matter, so try to get to the root of the problem, and see if there is a medical/emotional reason for Dad's threats.
I would be tempted to tell him go ahead. Then tell him they will just put him in a nursing home, and maybe he would be happier there. I'll bet that stops his threats.
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Are you his only caregiver? If not, does he treat the other caregivers this way?
What is the nature of the things he wants to make you do? Things he can/should do for himself? Things that shouldn't be done at all (like taking too much medicine)?
What are the realistic options for him if you were not able or willing to be his caregiver? Could he get by on this own, perhaps with some social services such as delivered meals or a visiting nurse, etc? Can he afford assisted living facilities? Are his needs such that a nursing home would be appropriate? I'm not sure I would pose these as threats or punishment for his demands, but it might be time to evaluate what the options are and what best serves his needs and yours.
Our father told anyone he could, including his pastor, that my sister abused him and hit him. Of course, the pastor had to investigate and called a meeting of our father, my sister, and the staff of the foster home - within 10 minutes he figured out our father was not telling an accurate story. End of discussion.
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If the time comes where you are the designated adult that requires you to care for an aging parent, you need to do some homework, and be prepared to be responsible for someone else. It might not be a good time for you, hard times are a fact right now, and maybe your parent figure hasn't been that great, when they cared for you...the fact is...your it!..."The Care giver"
Have papers signed, and noterized as the legal gardian/conservitor for health care, financial. Check out if they qualify for services. Find out information about adult daycare facilities,or provide living space for your parents in your home or a facility outside the home according to their health care needs, and the costs.
Both my parents moved into my home over a year ago. My dad is a disabled Veteran with Parkinsons, so I am appling for assistance through the VA.right now, and waiting to see if he qualifies. My Mother suffers from alzhiemer's and most the income she receives fron S.S. goes to a Daycare facility. (They only have Social Security) So we have applied for medi-cal
I have to work, (I'm a nurse, on PM's) and my husband is very supportive, and helps out by picking up mom a day care after he gets off work.(AM's)
But both of us are their only support, and I can't bring it to putting them in a convelesant Hospital. I have worked in a couple of facilities, and it's not a happy place. and affordible.
So know, people aren't going to just give you financial help or information just because you are responsible for a parent, and can't afford it...You have to find things out, whats best for you.
But it can work, and even though it's hard, it's the most rewarding thing you can ever do for parents who gave you life.
I feel this site is very helpful...be patent and others will give you the answers you seek...hope I have.
but thats a sorry trade off......
Far too many of us have been threatened by our parents in this manner.
None of us should be manipulated like this for doing the RIGHT THING by our parents.
I would still say to keep a log / diary though. We must protect ourselves even when we know our care is beyond reproach. We never know what they will do in those failing minds.
1) My lawyer suggested that I should let my father call 911 so that he gets the taste of it and might stop using that threat in future.
2) When the officer shows up he or she will examine the situation and might not even file a report, the officer will probably just give some lecture.
3) If the situation warrants filing a report he may do so but only 5% of such reports are serious enough for district attorney to press any charges.
4) Charges of abuse are generally pressed in the case of financial or physical abuse.
5) If the charges are serious enough a restraining order will be placed and he will be taken away to a nursing home or elder facility which also means he loose the privilege of living in comfort of home.
So the bottom line is that if we believe we are not causing any abuse we should not worry about the threat. My father does not have dementia or any other impairment, he is in perfect health.
Until he excepts that he needs help to care for himself, you will need to wait. My father was a strong willed Man, He cared for my mom by himself who suffered from alzhiemers. Both their personal hygiene suffered, bills went unpaid, they had so many cats.The home was run down, and a feces odor.
We had to have an Elder evaluation from the county come to the home to speak to my father. When they determined My father could not care for my mom as well as himself, and my mother suffered a Bladder infection and was hospitalized, we just had a family meeting. It was either, dad and mom stay in a long term care facility (Very expensive, lose everything or move in with me.( I was the only girl and willing too.
I'm a lucky story though...My folks are very pleasent.. Dad is very appreciative. My mother attends Adult Day Care
For your case, maybe a long term facility will be required.
Don;t live in constant threats..you will become ill.
If you have siblings...have a meeting..or they will be on your back and make things ugly as well.
Document EVERYTHING!!!!!
I know it's a pain but you have to cover your backside.
The other alternative is walking away permanently. This may take some legal action on your part (notification letter, arrangements, etc.)
Don't live with threats!!!!!!!
When my sons were teenagers and couldn't do whatever they wanted, they'd threaten to call the ACS and say I was abusing them. The first time I screamed "You're gonna have to make it to the phone!" and grounded them. That didn't work because when you ground your kids you're grounding yourself too. A week later, because I wouldn't let their girlfriends come over to "hang out" while I was running errands, they told me the police was on its way and that I was going to jail. I laughed and said "They're not going to come for me, they're going to come for you and put you in a foster home." The third time, without saying a word, I told them to come with me and took them to a strange building on 161st St. in The Bronx. It was Family Court. When they asked "Papi, what are we doing here?" I told them I was going to fill out some forms so I could turn them both over to the State. They realized I was serious about it, and got scared -- tears and everything. I had no problems after that.
My point? Refuse to be abused, even if it's your father. You're not his maid. (1) Whenever he threatens to call 911, don't say a word and hand him the phone. (2) Get a list of AL and NHs far from your home and ask him which one he'd like to go to -- permanently. Stand firm, don't negotiate your sanity, and enforce your boundaries consistently.
There needs to be an understanding between you, but above all there has to be respect.
Let us know what happens.
-- ED
Don't let your father manipulate you this early on in your care giving role. If he does it now, it will only get worse and you'll REALLY suffer! If he needs help be realistic about it - is it help or company he really wants? If it's company and the help is the sort of thing he could find in assisted living, perhaps that's the best place for him. If this manipulative man were MY dad, I'd never even consider him living with me or any other sibling. Your mental health and family well being is more important! It's very sad, however, it's all his own making.
So many times 'threats' are hollow, but sometimes they are not. Be careful and if Dad lives with you, install a camera that will record his interactions with you.
This may sound like an invasion of "Dad's privacy" but I assure you that the authorities tend to believe a 'sweet old man' (or lady) before most caregivers. I had to document my mother's 'meal's since she would tell anyone that would listen, that she didn't have a THING to eat all day!! LOL When she was with me, she ate more than I did!! But who would you believe, a 92 pound grandmother, or a daughter almost twice her size??? LOL
All kidding aside, this is a serious matter, so try to get to the root of the problem, and see if there is a medical/emotional reason for Dad's threats.