My siblings don't contribute in caring for my father, and it's causing me to be resentful. How can I deal?

I am in a similar position. I am the eldest of four, and the only female. Two brothers live in the same town as my dad and I. My dad is in assisted living, but I handle everything else for him (finances, insurance, pick up supplies and medications, be with him for doctor visits, make doctors appointment, visit every other day, take care of any needs he has that the facility is unable to do). One of my brothers also visits, although not as often as I do. The other brother (an alcoholic) never visits him. He refuses to make any phone calls for or arrangements for my dad. I have 8 children (6 are adopted, special needs), the youngest is 5. Six still live at home. The alcoholic brother has one grown son, and a 10 year old. The other brother in town has four children still at home. All of my brothers, and I (with the exception of the alcoholic) have tried having my dad live in our homes, but for various reasons, he was unhappy (in my home, it was due to the noise level). He definitely needs to be in assisted living now, due to mobility issues, he falls frequently. My problem is that I feel that I am neglecting my children, in favor of my father. He is much more demanding than they are, and "the squeaky wheel is getting the grease." I have a lot of resentment towards him, but especially towards the alcoholic brother who refuses to do anything for my dad. A couple of years ago my dad approached the subject with me of changing his will to leave less to the alcoholic, as my dad feels very hurt by my brother's neglect and indifference. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, it could create animosity for his children. Recently, he brought up the subject again with me, and this time, I said I could understand why he feels that way, and that if he feels that is the right thing to do, I would support it. I'm starting to think it would be more fair for my father to distribute his estate in proportion to the attention he gets from his children.

agreed w/ the $$ for our parents. Since I am writing out all mom's bills and getting her groceries & meds for her, I keep ALL receipts-just in case one of them tries to accuse me of anything after the fact, I have all proof. I had one of my siblings ask me not too long ago if mom can afford to be seeing all the specialist now (prior to her moving w/ me, she never went to the doctors b/c she was afraid they would take all her $, but in fact, she needed to have $ to give to the siblings when they asked for it), and getting her hair done at the salon, my response was that this is exactly what her money is for, for HER!!!! I have also made sure that all funeral arrangements are made & paid for, something I did not like doing, but know I had to, AND, when the doctor took her driving priveleges away I had to make sure the family knew her car was being sold and the $ would be used towards her medical needs and care-they thought they could just have moms car instead. Unbelievable... These should be their Golden Years, and whatever $ they have left should be used strictly on their care & needs.

1craftygirl, I agree with you completely. I will make sure all of Mom's $ goes to her care. There will be no inheritance for the siblings that never show up or even call to see how their mom is doing!

I can sooo relate. I always heard this happening with other families and honestly thought it would never happen with mine. It did. And I too have felt tremendous anamosity toward my siblings. Hurt that they actually have abandoned this tremendous responsibility and hurt that they abandoned me during all this too. I too started to take my frustration out on my mom. My mom is 80 yrs old, has A-typical Parkinsons, is wheel chair bound, has A-fibrilation, and some dementia. My husband and I have been taking care of her for 2 years in our home and it is endless and exausting. We have finally come to the conclusion that there is no changing people. The only thing we have and you have control over is how we will deal with taking care of our parent. If they are unwilling to help with the care or decision making then take them out of the equation completely. Since I have done that it has helped with my piece of mind and my relationship with my mom. I no longer cringe when my mom asks me to "Pick out a nice B-Day card for your sister/brother for me." Here's what we did, We signed my mom up for adult day care the 2 days I have off during the week so I can do what I want to do for 7 hours (community program w/transportation to and from). And we have an Aide come in to get her ready in the morning 5 days a week so I can get myself ready for the day (through elder services). Finally, we hired a Private CNA to watch my mom on Sunday mornings for 5 hours so we can go to church, out to breakfast, or whatever and we don't have to worry about someone cancelling on us last minute. Check with community programs, your local church,etc. you will be surprised how affordable and helpful they are to you. The $$ are coming out of my moms social security and savings. After all that's what it's there for. Eventually she will deplete funds and qualify for straight Medicare in the event we can no longer care for her at our home. If that day comes at least I know I did everything I could do to take care of her and I will sleep well. The rest of my siblings however will be looking for their hand out of $$ and find it actually went toward taking care of my mom NOT THEM.

I can totally relate. My 2 siblings do nothing to help with mom. My one sister hasn't even come for Christmas for the last 10 years. I don't speak to her anymore and I really don't care. My brother is an alcoholic and lives with my mother for about 2 years and ran up an outrageous amount of money on my dead father's credit card because they have the same name. When I took over mom's finances as POA I had to pay these debts off. Never saw a penny from him back to mom. He also ran her car into the ground while driving on the revoked list. I hope he can live with himself. Can't trust him at all, so I would never leave mom with him. My one sister helps me thank God, but I am the primary, also the youngest girl. My sister that helps me can retire but won't, and I plan to retire in Nov which I was going to do anyway, but now I get to do it and put my retirement plans on hold until mom is no longer here. Get outside help. The invisible siblings will never step up to the plate.

Ed, Your advice is wonderful, but if siblings aren't willing to help out, theres no making them do so. My siblings all run to my mother when they can't pay their bills & not once has any of them paid her back. Now that she is ill & needs us, they're not there for her. Not one of them helps out in any way shape or form. I now have POA over her & no one borrows money from her. I moved her to my state last year, but prior to that she lived within 5-30 minutes from all other family, children, siblings, grandchildren, etc...not one of them ever helped her out. But to talk to any of them today, they will give a song & dance about all the things they tried to do for her when in actuality, the only time they stopped by to see her was when they needed to borrow $$, or that once a year visit at Christmas time (which again, they never took any presents to her but expected to receive $ from her). At some point, there's just the plain fact that the one child is going to shoulder this & as hard as it may be, we have to do it. It is hard work, and the only glory is within your own heart, b/c no one else is going to give you glory for your actions-believe me! The best we can do is vent to other caregivers who know what we're going through and understand the feelings we feel and help us work through them. And pray to God that you have a supportive understanding spouse! Thankfully both my husband & I agree that this is the circle of life and we are now in the stage of our lives where it is time for us to help care for our parents. It all comes full circle.

VERLAINE:

The reason your Dad spends more time with you is because he knows your love for him is unconditional and won't cost him anything. It seems your siblings go out of their way to see him when they're strapped for cash that they have no intention of paying back, and your father knows it. If I were him, I'd run for cover too if my own children saw a big ATM sign on my forehead.

Please don't take it out on him. It's not his fault your home is apparently his only refuge. I suggest you visit your siblings so you can all arrange spending time with your Dad without the old man being used, abused, or taken advantage of in any way. He really doesn't deserve it.

By the way, before you visit your siblings ask your Dad how much money they have borrowed from him and work out a realistic payment plan. Either you'll meet static or have to listen to boo-hoo-hoo stories, but the fact remains those were loans, not gifts. Push comes to shove, take them to Judge Judy.

-- ED

I responded to this before but forgot to ad, please dont take it out on dad! He cant help it, it took so many years to figure the same thing out with my mom, and I had to chalk it up to, she is just a very sick woman..........and take things from there.............hope all works out for u, and dad

Oh God can I relate to you. My mom passed away 6 years ago and I have been taking care of my dad until recently. My dad has always depended on me while my sister gets everything from him and more. This does bother me but I try not to dwell on it. She does absolutely nothing for him and tells me that she will do it when she wants to do it, not when she is told. I have recently had to place my dad in a nursing facility because he keeps falling in his apartment and has dementia. I feel so guilty because I cannot take care of him in my home because I do not have the space and my husband is very ill. I too have started to resent my dad but then I look at his pathetic face and I know that he depends on only me because she does not know how to care for him at all. It kills me because she has a life and I don't but I look at it this way - he took care of me when I was young and now it is my turn to take care of him. Even though he is he a facility I still don't feel like I have a life because I am always thinking about how he is even though I visit every day. My advice to you is to LET GO of your resentment towards your siblings because no matter how much I have complained about her, she is not going to change and because of my anger, I have ended up in the hospital twice in the last year. I had to make the decision of never to speak to her again because she only brings me pain when I ask her for her help with dad. I know it is hard but I put my head down on my pillow every night and feel good about what I do for my dad; your siblings cannot be feeling the same way. One day they will have to pay for what they have done and I don't know what faith you believe in but God is very good to me and he will be to you. One day they are going to be in the same position and no one will be there for them. Good luck and I will pray for the good Lord to continue to give you strength.

dstevenson, I am so sorry to hear you're going through so much right now. The dementia in itself is so difficult to deal w/. My mom has it as well and there are days she says the meanest things and it is all I have to remain calm and rational myself. She doesn't remember saying or doing those things and will apologize profusely if told what she said. It has to be very frustrating for them as well, imagine not knowing things from day to day, moment to moment. It sounds as though your mother's doctor should be able to manage her a little better (at least one would hope), Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? I am always telling my husband that I do not want to live the way my mother is living, it has to be horrible. You are going through your own personal things and that makes it hard for you to take care of her, which I would think causes more stress than any of us can imagine. I still think your mother's doctor should be able to step in somehow and help out. My mom's doc has ordered in nurses and aids to come 2 times a week (after hospital stays) and medicare covers that until the nurses deem her well enough to be on her own (last time they came in for nearly 3 months). If a social worker was to see how she is acting she can help you/her w/ a decision to get her into a facility. Now, this has been my experience and would hope that you will get help from outsiders as well. My family does not help at all w/ my mom, and believe me, I know where you're coming from with that. But as far as your other personal and health issues I pray that will improve for you.

It has only been one year of taking care of my mom who has Parkinson's and dementia and I am emotionally and physically drained. I have a lot of resentment because my sisters disappeared when mom became "work". I have lost my job due to too many days off, lost my pension and now work 10 hours a day at two jobs to make ends meet. I already take care of my sick husband and am supposed to be a cancer survivor myself. The dementia is the hardest for me to deal with. My mother agreed to move in with me and my husband last fall. We found a huge apartment and signed a lease December 12. On Christmas morning my mother announced to us "that she would rather die than live with us". In February I got fired for too many days off and my husband and I have been stuck with an apartment that we cannot afford. We are moving August 1 into a smaller place because I could never convince my mother we wanted her to come live with us. Her reasons were "there is too much to look at", "too many stairs (2 stairs)", the "bedroom is too small", etc. June 15 she wanted me to come over and I had just clocked in for work. I told her I would be there the next morning. She then called an ambulance. She has been through the emergency room 6 times in the last year. If I don't jump... She is now in the hospital and will be getting out any day. She got herself transferred to the mental ward because she told someone "she didn't want to live like this". I have to use a code name given to the nurse by my mother when I call for information. The name she gave me is "doggie". I am struggling to take the high road and do what is right for her and take into account the disease, but I am so tired.

Nothing can force siblings to care for your father. Share the Care is nice but it is voluntary. Pls carry on and be valiant and maintain your composure and your sense of humor. Do it yourself if other siblings do not want to participate.

Take control and set up shared caregiving. Ask each sibling to commit a certain amount of resources and time. There is a model out there on how to do it called share the care. The resentment comes from feeling loss of control

Holding on to resentments I promise u will get u absolutely nowhere, not only does it take up all your energy in trying to find ways to channel it, but sometimes it can be hurtful to others and u might not even see it! It makes no sense at all to resent something that u can do absolutely nothing about.....................forget about them, if they wanted to be involved they would make it their business to just that! They will get theirs in the long run, as I believe in Karma, and what goes around comes around, try to enjoy whatever time u and dad have together, believe me, I just lost mine about 4 months ago, and so many things got left unsaid, and I still feel pain over that alone, as well as losing him.............You will look back on this one day, and see what an awesome son u are, and if nothing else rest in peace that u did all in your power to make him comfortable, and content...........and if it starts to get really too difficult for u to handle, maybe an assisted living facility close by u, could be an option, where he would get all the care in the world and u could still go there and see him as much as u like! really u need to have a life as well! and maybe that alone is feeding your resentments, a lil jealously, that u are stuck, they are not, but really u dont have to be! most love it when they finally go that route to an assisted living facility, my mom did! she got me out of her hair, and got to meet people and go room hopping, and had a ball after a while of getting set in ....................hope this helps!!!! let us know the outcome and what u think!

I am one of 5 siblings and volunteered (3 years ago) to be the one to help my Dad because I run my own business and have more flexibility with my schedule. Little did I know what this was going to turn into. It's true what everyone is saying that most of the work falls on one person. However, the way I look at it is I feel sorry for my siblings. They are missing out on so much. I look forward to my time with my dad at his care facility every day when I help him with his lunch. I do his laundry because I don't want it 'industrial cleaned" and I decorate his room differently every month so he always has something new and fun to look at. I buy his clothes, go with him to appointments, am very involved in the decisions on his care, etc. I had to go to court 5 times to become his legal Guardian and eventually his Conservator, racking up huge attorney fees....because my mother is mentally ill and has fought any help we've tried to give dad. But I am the one constant in his life and he never fails to recognize me. He tries so hard to talk to me but, unfortunately, he chooses wrong words. Because of the dementia, we have very interesting conversations! I will have all of these memories for the rest of my life. My siblings are the ones missing out! That's what keeps me going! I could never get angry with him because of what others are doing or not doing. I'm hoping that you can look at it that way too....the memories you'll be able to cherish for a lifetime will be yours'....and yours' alone!

Just do it......care for him without regard to your siblings. You'll come to peace with it sooner or later.

I am the 5th of 7 sisters, The only thing you can do is FOCUS on POSITIVE things like what GOOD FEELINGS AND MEMORIES you may have of the parent you care for,keep in mind that the time you spend with your parent now are Memories you will have and take with you with a clear conscience while your siblings will someday wallow in guilt and remorse. Try to focus on all the GOOD your parent has done for you and you in return are giving back. Trust Me I KNOW it's HARD but it makes each day for me go by a little faster knowing that I've done all i could do and that we can't make any of our siblings do anything they dont want or care to do,youll end up bitter and angry all the time and thats no way to live. Take heart in the FACT that you have us to vent to and we are all here for you as well as for each other. That's what it's all about in my opinion ;) Take care

I hear you! I have 4 other siblings who each has repeatedly said to me, "whatever choice you make w/ mom, we'll support that decision". I think this is very cowardly of them and do not feel much regard for them anymore. AND I am the baby of the family! But honestly, I would not want anyone other than myself taking care of mom. I may not be doing everything perfectly, but I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can, and know that my children will learn from this experience. Compassion towards others seems to be a lost character trait these days. It is not easy, but the worst is yet to come. Mom has COPD, Alzheimer's, and now cancer. She had surgery but is refusing chemo, therefore, we are preparing for a rough road ahead as the doctor has given very grim prognosis. I bear this burden alone, none of my siblings have offerred to come see her or help, only saying to call them when something happens (funeral arrangements). Mom asks me all the time if I hear from them, and if they love her. My mind wants to tell her that they are selfish inconsiderate excuses for human beings, but my heart tells me this will only hurt her. I tell her that they send their love and prayers, but are just so caught up in the stress of everyday life right now. It is truly heartbreaking. There are some days when I simply have to remind myself that if that were me in her condition, how would I want to be treated. God sees the heart and you are doing the right thing by taking care of your elderly parent. It is hard, but let go of the resentment, and take care of them the best you can while taking care of yourself. Keep up the good work, for your reap what you sow!

I agree that it is a good idea to learn how to let the resentment go, and I believe that you are beginning to see this for yourself. It is justifiable that you feel the way you do, however, your resentment will not bring about any positive change in the situation, and will only (as you are beginning to find out) make things worse. Unfortunately, It is up to us, Those who ARE willing to care for parents, to shoulder the burdens that might accompany that responsibility. But we are also the beneficiaries of the joys, and the knowledge that we did the right thing. For me, those things are priceless.

Verlaine, I am in a very, very similar situation, including siblings who have borrowed $ from mom over the years. I have 6 siblings, 3 are close by, 2 are less than 1 hour away, and one is in Virginia. I am in Mass.
I was asked to quit my job over 2 years ago, to stay home and care for Mom full time. Unlike my siblings, my husband and I have no cash to fall back on and are getting close to retirement age. Because of this, I told my siblings I would have to be paid my work salary and be reimbursed for the extra cost to put me on my husband's medical insurance. These were my terms if they wanted me to care for Mom.
The main reason I was "chosen", is that Mom owns a four family house, and I have lived in it for all but 2 years of 59. Dad died at the age of 54, and my youngest brother was only 13. I have been helping Mom all these years, and she depends on me for everything. Now that she has dementia and advancing Parkinson's, she has needed total care for the last 2 years. When I agreed to all this, my siblings also agreed to help out and watch her on weekends. Guess what?!!>> They always have excuses for not being able to show up! My husband and I have been away exactly 2 nights in the last 3 years, and were spending almost every weekend at home while I kept an eye on Mom.
Luckily she took out Long term Care insurance about 10 years ago, and after much paperwork, she is collecting on that. I have a CNA that now stays with her 35 hours a week, over the course of 5 days. She just started working the weekend days so that my husband and I could get some of our life back. I still have to deal with Mom every day and especially at night, but at least I now have some time to myself.
Take my advice and give up on your siblings. Everyone will tell you that the care of an aging parent, always falls on the shoulders of one child. Do what you can, and stop obsessing about the others. It will only make you bitter and cause you anguish. It won't make them act any differently. As for your resentment making you impatient with Dad, that's normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a tough road you are headed down, and if there is one thing the rest of us eventually learned, it's cut yourself some slack!!! Take one day at a time, and don't let what other people do or don't do destroy you!
Good luck and take care.