How do I support my children’s emotional needs when they are trying to support their grandmother but nothing is ever good enough?

she has only just today been given any tablets as it has been a long prosses and very frustrating as my mums answer to everything is im fine grrrr so the correct diagnosis has been very long she has been told today it is alzhiemers & vascular dementia so at least even though it doesnt help much we can deal with it ,, its the little things that frustrate us as in the other day my daughter knew how emotional tired i was as my mum stated to her your mum is taking me shopping so bless her she said im going for a walk gran ill get your bits , she returned with bread and milk as asked but was the wrong bread she had got even though it was the same bread she has always had so my mum went into a major sulk over this so i had my mum cryin my daughter crying all over a bloody loaf of bread ,,,, and than even the man up the garden was laughting at her lol lifes a circus at the minute but only my mum can see it grrr rant over god that feels better thanks for listening and great site im sure there will be plenty more rants to follow xx god bless x

Your children sounds great! What medicine is your mother taking for the hallucinations and how often are they taking place? I'm glad ya'll can find some humor for my teenage boys have found their grandmother's decline and hallucinations to be very depressing. Their other grandmother has never thought anything they did, her daughters did, much less her son in laws (who she hates) have ever done enough for her. She's even spread the word around town that she has the worst daughter living down the street from her who had the audacity to go on a trip without taking her. We've all learned that her outlook on nothing ever being good enough is her monkey and not ours. I would try to make sure that your children understand that your mother never thinking what they do is ever good enough is not because it is not good enough and that probably she might never appreciate it, but I'd also not let them burn themselves out trying to get 'grandma' to think it is good enough. I would be careful of 'compassion fatigue'

thank you lilli i think trouble with my mum at minute is she is struggling to come to terms with not being as independant as she was so to her every little thing we do is a step back for her its hard to get the ballance completly right and i know the kings feeling very well i have four brothers who choose to leave all care to me and mine and when they do very occasionaly visit its like the lord all mighty has come down ,, thank you for your comment each one does help as makes you know your not the only one going through it xxxx

What lovely children you have!!! They seem to have the grace and maturity that most adults lack. It is obvious that you have raised them to be compassionate.
I know first hand how hard it is to juggle generations. My grandmother lived with us for many years. My mother would do it all again in a heartbeat, but it did take its toll on her. Grandmum was self-centered, let her daughters know that they were servants while her sons were kings, and wanted my mother by her side every minute. Three generations under one roof is always challenging.
I do agree with Lynn: if your mother is capable of understanding, it would be good to set limits and have a review of good manners. You should be assisting her, not waiting on her. Even seniors can become spoiled.
Good luck
Lilli

lynnpoo thank you for your words of reassurance its a really difficult time for everyone concerned my kids have all shown what amazing caring people they are in the last few months we bounce off each other daily seeing the funny side to help us through it , to an outsider it might seem harse some of our jokes but its the only way we know how to deal with it as i always say we have to laugh because if we start to cry we might not stop , we have little words for the hallisinations such as my daughter will tell my grandaughter who is 2 that gran is chattin with the pontipines who live at the top of the garden bless her she goes and joins in which brings a smile to my lovely mothers face :-) , even though we would give all we have in a heartbeat to free my mum from this world she is in it has brought us closer and made my children into loving caring people who have a clearer understanding to the needs of people who suffer with any form of mental illnesses , god bless xxx

Deb- Oh man, do I know what you mean! ;) Tell your kids over and over that what they are doing IS good, it's terrific and that you know they are doing all they can for her. Thank them for helping her and tell them you're proud that they respect grandma so much. Tell them their helping grandma demonstrates that they are good hearted people. Often elders are crabby because they can't do much for themselves, very little things that the rest of us take for granted becomes REALLY important to them. They are stiff and in pain so nothing makes them comfortable. And, they become really self-centered because of the pain and worry. If your kids are old enough to understand the situation, provide this explanation. If possible it might also be helpful if you spoke with grandma and tell her to say thanks now and then. Good luck to you all!