In your heart you do care but you are tired. I saw this with my father-n-law and other friends as caregivers. Give yourself a mental break and know you are normal and human. When I need to regroup I listen to my christian music. I get a new hearth then I can go on as I have to
Yep, set your sights, draw your lines and stick to it. I have chosen to become Houdeani(sp?) when she wants to fight. We have also choosen which battles to fight. Some are just not worth it...for anyone.
Am working on standing up daily and boy does it bug her...It is so sad. But I can see crazy making a block away and she does it any way. Just want this to end one way or the other, who knows my neck and head pain may kill me, just as over!
While it would be nice if you could continue to help your overworked mother, she needs to realize what this situation is doing to you. If she doesn't understand this .. then make sure you seek professional help. I believe that not seeking out your own life could have serious consequences for you. It is one thing to help and another to be used. I am 62 like your mom and I have an 85 year old mother who made me feel responsible for every crisis in her life and alwyas let my siblings off the hook. Now that she is 85 ... they do not want anything to do with her and here I am, very very angry and hoping to find a conclusion to something that I should have resolved a long time ago. While we may love our families, they are not alwayst perfect. Sometimes you need to just stand up for yourself. I hope you can work it out.
hey hey...guess what, that doofy bus paratransit packet?........well, it is a go, but A: They spelled his name wrong and B: They included some other ladies pass as well!!!
We called em they will send out anew one and we have to shred the others. OK but still moving forward !Thank you golfbhard, am making an effort, and I do journal, constantly like some people smoke almost, I think I'd feel edgy if I couldn't, have em going back to 1984> scary<
You keep posting here and we will try to prop you up. I really want to see you have a "LIFE" of your own. Keep on keeping on....keep reaching out and ask for help. You sould extremely intelligent and are good with words. Maybe you should journal every day. That is good therapy in itself. Hugs!
I read over your profile and noticed you mention your husband. Frankly, I'm surprised that he has not taken the children and left by now in order to save them and save himself from that living hell. So, what is your husband's view on all of this? Does your mother qualify for medicaid?
Never been to Maine...but I hear it is beautiful. One step at a time..just keep moving forward...you will get there. Keep pressin' on. Just start somewhere...anywhere..then at least you are moving toward your goal and it will come together. Reach down and grab those boot straps baby! Just remember you can do this!!!
First of all your mother is a danger to herself and please call 911 and have the authorities deal with her for she needs psychological evaluation.
Second, get yourself and those children out of there or you will become just like your mother and be abusive to your own children which I'm certain that you don't want to happen. They've already been exposed to abuse and probably traumatized by it.
Third, for sure you have some sort of options. Have you asked your brothers to help get you out of there? Have you talked with anyone at social services? Also, why did you ever come home with a mother like that?
Thank you everybody: Guess what came in the mail today?...The busing info packet about paratranist. It is a thick packet so that is good news right? Tuesdays and Fridays then, and I have referrals for local MSW and some other therapists, one Psychiatrist, but that isn't sliding fee scale, unless you consider $100 to $155 sliding fee. Moving forward! "Out" won't be fast but forward is easy, just one step than another...............
Thank you shnasta for understanding on an unfortunate level as in knowing it and living it. It is an extremely unpleasant if not impossible bind to be in. I am sorry you also have the pain of your children having to go through what you are going through. I know I couldn't handle that too. My story is beyond sad it is pathetic. I am now 39. I have never been close to anyone, I have never even kissed anyone. It is embarrassing, but in my life, every stupid messy thing makes sense.
Children, I wonder, but I don't think I could ever handle that.
stuck: You are right on about that, no one else knows I am here really and even one has lives of there own to sort out, this is my problem to fix.
golfbhard, I think I am moving in the right way, reaching out. I hope so, nothing ever seems to come to much for me, I just always end up back on my astibula.
lach61: On it. I think laying on her bed crying and saying "Do you think YOU could take care of your father while I try to have myself committed?" did the trick, though I can feel the undercurrent of her just wanting this to stop and go back to nothing wrong here syndrome, I mean you can physically feel the desire for denial to take over again. Like it is its own life force, or death force if you will. Life sucking soul destroying bleak feeling-less substance that surrounds stagnant miserable family situations like a palpable shield against any intrusion of common sense or questioning or change. They only way out is to cut through it in such a way it can't re-seal itself to suffocate you again.
Too figurative? Oh well, It feels like that. I am looking for sharp tools now. figuratively, lets soo how far I can get this time. Maine would be nice. Literally.
I can tell you I am in the same boat only with 2 young children to listen to her abuse me verbaly and talk about killing herself. I am losing it. I am starting to scream back at her in my defence. My children sit and watch t.v. all day while I wait on my mom. She is in competition with my kids. She gets angry if I wait on them first and I mean angry. Once I was serving my kids corn on the cobb and she asked for some and I said, yes in just a minute I'm giving the kids some and she would NOT eat any. She tells me almost every day infront of my kids 3 and 6 We have to get out of the house. MOVE OUT! Infront of two young kids. I do not have any other options....what can I do? You are NOT alone at all. My mom has always treated me like dirt! I have two brothers 10 and 16 years older....where are they? Smart boys,,,,they stay away! I'm the only one she has that even takls to her.She hates me. I took care of her mom and my father. She keeps going on about how she was my fathers primary care taker....HUH?.....I was here 12 hours a day and her friend was here the other twelve hours!. Her friend doesn't come around anymore. Now I am here with her and my family and stuck! Stuck in a crazy house with a crazy lady and I'm getting crazy myself. You are not alone...I feel your pain,frustrationsand needs!
Save yourself! No one else will...the advice from golfbhard is right! Get some help to get on your feet and get out of there....staying there is a self perpetuating circle of negative bad thoughts tearing your down...to their level. My best to you!
I urge you to get some help to get out of your situation. I know it will be frightening, but you are living in a sick and twisted enviorment and it is not healthy for you. Please reach out to places that will help you. I think therapy would help since you have lived through a life that is not the norm. Contact welfare, womens shelter any place you can think of. Just start and "ask" for help. Keep asking until find the peace you deserve.
I work at the level of avoidance, the thought of bringing up anything of a sexual nature in this household, I may as well tell my mom I think her sicko father is flirting with me. I mean she has seen it. She must know. I almost think she is terrified I will say something. Denial in a house where there was incest is thick. I told her the truth about my life once and she has not listened to a thing I have said since. I mean literally she will just tune me out like I am not there. I should go with that. When I am not here, everybody will be happy...
My recommendation to you is to, as far as respite care goes, tell your mother that you are doing her a favor by taking care of your grandfather. It has gotten to you, at times, and you NEED a break. It's probably not fair to ask your mother to help out with respite if she is having health issues of her own, so I would just say to her: "Mom (or whatever you call her), I NEED some respite time away from taking care of grandfather (or whatever you call him). Look in the yellow pages for area agencies (such as Council on Aging, here in Cincinnati, OH) and talk to them. I am sure they can help you. Maybe your mom doesn't want to go outside of the family because of the sexual tension created by your gfather.
I got them to pay for a Home Health Aide to come out for 6 hours/week. When my MIL wasn't needing HHA's at home, and she went to an elderly day care center (they paid for the day care center, but that meant giving up them paying for HHA's in the home). We got HHA's if we absolutely needed them, but had to give at least 24 hours notice (which is fair).
As for your mother not liking it when you have to take off for doctor appointments, ask her, "If I don't take care of myself, how am I going to be able to take care of grandfather?"
You are doing her a favor by taking care of her father, so she shouldn't be so judgemental in how you do things. You do them to the best of your ability--I mean things get done; everyone has their own way of doing things.
The other thing, if family members ask how he is doing and they shut down or snap at you, ask them to come over and spend some time taking care of him and maybe they'll stop snapping at you and realize what you have to go through to make everything go smoothly or somewhat smoothly.
I took on my job as Primary Caregiver to my MIL, but with the stipulation that everyone of the siblings had to help out at least once a week. I got it at first, then it dwindled some that I had to start thinking of myself and my family first. I think my DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney) SIL made the decision to put my MIL into a NH (Nursing Home) because not everyone of the siblings were helping out and she was getting busier (and not going to be available when needed).
Bottom line: Don't let ANYONE (especially your gfather and mom) push you around and tell you what to do. You're doing them the favor. Would they rather see your gfather go into a NH? ...because it sounds like that's what it's coming down to.
Jsome, Some sort of negative reinforcement is in order for your grandfather. You know what he doesn't like. Without being abusive, ther are ways you can use behavior modification. You are an educated and intelligent woman. I'm sure you can come up with something. Repulsive behavior should not be tollerated. You deserve respect and compassion as much as anyone else. You also need to respect yourself! You are worth more than you know.
Squirt gun got another vote...Weeeell I would, but that might count as elder abuse. Usually I just try to avoid him and shower when I know he is asleep.
Personally I like the squit gun idea....I can totally understand having to be in a home and caring for someone you do not respect or even like very much. Leave love out...that is under a different catagory. However...if you could leave and be on your own that would be a very rewarding and uplifting experience. I did that many years ago when I kicked out a husband that I felt that way about. I told myself I would rather live in a box than live like this. I made it myself and never looked back...and it was a relief not to be so angry at my situation and him all the time. I felt much better about myself. You can too!
I think it is personal. We are talking about ourselves our lives and very personal issues, probably more so than we would with someone we might meet on the streets or sometimes, even than we know in our lives. Just because it is through an electronic medium does not remove the person from it. I am responsible for my life, I never said I wasn't and I am too lazy or too much of a coward to change it. I have said that too. If I said to you " I hear you offering yourself excuses at every turn." would you not find that personal?
JSomebody, I am not "blaming the victim," nor trying to reel you into any blame game. Sorry if you may have perceived my comments in that way. What I am about to say is not personal because I don't know you. In following this post and sharing, I hear you offering yourself excuses at every turn. As SoAlone has eloquently said, there is much caring support here at AgingCare.com. Sometimes that caring may not be what one would like to hear, or expect. The sharing is no less caring or genuine just because the message may be unpopular.
I do understand, my life is just pretty stupid. and the robe thing i can't do, I know this sounds is idiotic but I hate bathrobes because they remind me of sexual abuse. But it is my problem doing the towel thing truly. I think I am just one of those people who make other people grateful for what they have. I suppose that is useful...
Waiting for info back from ride transport so I can have two days (afternoons) off a week then I can do some of something.
Jsomebody, We care about you and support you. Please take our comments as caring and not as pushy at times. Hope you can understand why we want you to take a robe into the bath with you.
I completely GET why you feel like you are stuck without the motivation to change. I have that problem myself. I sit around watching too much TV, on the computer all the time, etc... being pretty self indulgent right now actually and I know I should be "out there" "making a difference" but... I just keep putting it off.
I used to have a great job and just gave it up to stay home. I miss the paycheck & I miss feeling important but I lack the desire to get out and get back into it all. We have a lot less money now and actually I do less around the house when I did when I had a job... it is weird. We have just enough money to get by with my husband''s paycheck.
I'm not sure what happened to me but I sure am not the person I used to be. I intended to continue with my career - Infomation System's Manager & programmer - after a long vacation ..... and just never went back.
It is easy to just do nothing about your situation when you don't HAVE to. I know.
I honestly don't know why I do the towel thing, partly I hate putting clothes on a wet body, my own fault I know. I didn't go looking for him, my mother called me into her room and I passed the hall and he was in the living room, he isn't always. Yes I am responsible for my behavior, yes I choose to be here because I am too much of a coward to leave the situation and broke. Yes it is up to me to fix it. Content would be an incorrect assumption though. I don't own any tight revealing clothing and I am not gonna get sucked into blame the victim mode.
Jsomebody, you are going along to get along and seem content doing so. What is happening is something you allow and contribute to. Only you will know when enough is enough.
I agree with the last responder. You are certainly aware of his behavior, and it's true he shouldn't be acting the way he does. But there are things you can do - for instance, take a robe into the bathroom with you, don't wear low cut shirts or tight or revealing clothing. That's just common sense.
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I've been walked on plenty; I know!!!!
We called em they will send out anew one and we have to shred the others. OK but still moving forward !Thank you golfbhard, am making an effort, and I do journal, constantly like some people smoke almost, I think I'd feel edgy if I couldn't, have em going back to 1984> scary<
You keep posting here and we will try to prop you up. I really want to see you have a "LIFE" of your own. Keep on keeping on....keep reaching out and ask for help. You sould extremely intelligent and are good with words. Maybe you should journal every day. That is good therapy in itself. Hugs!
Sorry for calling you by the wrong name earlier.
I read over your profile and noticed you mention your husband. Frankly, I'm surprised that he has not taken the children and left by now in order to save them and save himself from that living hell. So, what is your husband's view on all of this? Does your mother qualify for medicaid?
First of all your mother is a danger to herself and please call 911 and have the authorities deal with her for she needs psychological evaluation.
Second, get yourself and those children out of there or you will become just like your mother and be abusive to your own children which I'm certain that you don't want to happen. They've already been exposed to abuse and probably traumatized by it.
Third, for sure you have some sort of options. Have you asked your brothers to help get you out of there? Have you talked with anyone at social services? Also, why did you ever come home with a mother like that?
Thank you shnasta for understanding on an unfortunate level as in knowing it and living it. It is an extremely unpleasant if not impossible bind to be in. I am sorry you also have the pain of your children having to go through what you are going through. I know I couldn't handle that too. My story is beyond sad it is pathetic. I am now 39. I have never been close to anyone, I have never even kissed anyone. It is embarrassing, but in my life, every stupid messy thing makes sense.
Children, I wonder, but I don't think I could ever handle that.
stuck: You are right on about that, no one else knows I am here really and even one has lives of there own to sort out, this is my problem to fix.
golfbhard, I think I am moving in the right way, reaching out. I hope so, nothing ever seems to come to much for me, I just always end up back on my astibula.
lach61: On it. I think laying on her bed crying and saying "Do you think YOU could take care of your father while I try to have myself committed?" did the trick, though I can feel the undercurrent of her just wanting this to stop and go back to nothing wrong here syndrome, I mean you can physically feel the desire for denial to take over again. Like it is its own life force, or death force if you will. Life sucking soul destroying bleak feeling-less substance that surrounds stagnant miserable family situations like a palpable shield against any intrusion of common sense or questioning or change. They only way out is to cut through it in such a way it can't re-seal itself to suffocate you again.
Too figurative? Oh well, It feels like that. I am looking for sharp tools now. figuratively, lets soo how far I can get this time. Maine would be nice. Literally.
Contact welfare, womens shelter any place you can think of. Just start and "ask" for help. Keep asking until find the peace you deserve.
It has gotten to you, at times, and you NEED a break. It's probably not fair to ask your mother to help out with respite if she is having health issues of her own, so I would just say to her: "Mom (or whatever you call her),
I NEED some respite time away from taking care of grandfather (or whatever you call him). Look in the yellow pages for area agencies (such as Council on Aging, here in Cincinnati, OH) and talk to them. I am sure they can help you. Maybe your mom doesn't want to go outside of the family because of the sexual tension created by your gfather.
I got them to pay for a Home Health Aide to come out for 6 hours/week. When my MIL wasn't needing HHA's at home, and she went to an elderly day care center (they paid for the day care center, but that meant giving up
them paying for HHA's in the home). We got HHA's if we absolutely needed them, but had to give at least 24 hours notice (which is fair).
As for your mother not liking it when you have to take off for doctor appointments, ask her, "If I don't take care of myself, how am I going to be able to take care of grandfather?"
You are doing her a favor by taking care of her father, so she shouldn't be
so judgemental in how you do things. You do them to the best of your ability--I mean things get done; everyone has their own way of doing things.
The other thing, if family members ask how he is doing and they shut down or snap at you, ask them to come over and spend some time taking care of him and maybe they'll stop snapping at you and realize what you have to go through to make everything go smoothly or somewhat smoothly.
I took on my job as Primary Caregiver to my MIL, but with the stipulation that everyone of the siblings had to help out at least once a week. I got it at first, then it dwindled some that I had to start thinking of myself and my family first. I think my DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney) SIL made the decision to put my MIL into a NH (Nursing Home) because not everyone of the siblings were helping out and she was getting busier (and not going to be available when needed).
Bottom line: Don't let ANYONE (especially your gfather and mom) push you around and tell you what to do. You're doing them the favor. Would they rather see your gfather go into a NH? ...because it sounds like that's what it's coming down to.
Some sort of negative reinforcement is in order for your grandfather.
You know what he doesn't like. Without being abusive, ther are ways you can use behavior modification. You are an educated and intelligent woman. I'm sure you can come up with something. Repulsive behavior should not be tollerated. You deserve respect and compassion as much as anyone else. You also need to respect yourself!
You are worth more than you know.
I am responsible for my life, I never said I wasn't and I am too lazy or too much of a coward to change it. I have said that too. If I said to you " I hear you offering yourself excuses at every turn." would you not find that personal?
Waiting for info back from ride transport so I can have two days (afternoons) off a week then I can do some of something.
We care about you and support you. Please take our comments as caring and not as pushy at times. Hope you can understand why we want you to take a robe into the bath with you.
I completely GET why you feel like you are stuck without the motivation to change. I have that problem myself. I sit around watching too much TV, on the computer all the time, etc... being pretty self indulgent right now actually and I know I should be "out there" "making a difference" but... I just keep putting it off.
I used to have a great job and just gave it up to stay home. I miss the paycheck & I miss feeling important but I lack the desire to get out and get back into it all. We have a lot less money now and actually I do less around the house when I did when I had a job... it is weird.
We have just enough money to get by with my husband''s paycheck.
I'm not sure what happened to me but I sure am not the person I used to be. I intended to continue with my career - Infomation System's Manager & programmer - after a long vacation ..... and just never went back.
It is easy to just do nothing about your situation when you don't HAVE to.
I know.