LynnPO, Yes, we've sang a similar song with my dad. We sold our house across town and bought the house Dad build that I grew up in so that "his" home would be maintained to a degree. We do bring him home for day visits, as you do with your mom. Over the 4th of July he wanted to stay the whole weekend and I told him that we would have to hire a nurse round the clock in case something came up. He seemed to accept that that would not be reasonable. I guess my specific question is what to say regarding the physical therapy situation. He wants to stay with the people who are actively working him...not the maintanence folks. He recognized that the "real" physical therpists...not the aids...are the ones who will help him come home. If it was $50 or $100 a month, we would pay for it ourselves just to keep him happy. But it's $1000 and that is simply impossible. Any ideas?
Kathy - Lie.. It's okay at this point. I do the same thing with my mom. She asks who's paying for her nursing home and I tell her half the truth - that she contributes her monthly income and medicare does the rest. I tell her that she still has $25,000 in savings in case of an emergency - it was all used up for assisted living. My brother lives in her home to pay utilities and keep it up some what. She's comforted to know "home" is there and when she's "strong enough" she may go home. I still take her home for family functions there but it's getting really hard for her to leave. The house it small and not built for wheelchair access so thats our rationale for taking her back to the nursing home. "You can't go to the toilet by yourself here, you could not get into the kitchen or out of your bedroom. When she asks about going home, I tell her it's up to the doctor and that I'll ask him, then I change the subject. As far as she's concerned - her rose garden, nice lawn, comfy bed - are all there waiting for her as she left it. I don't tell her it gets no water, no fertlizer and that we swapped her bed for another so brother could have a bigger bedroom. I think that deep inside Mom knows the truth but denial makes it easier to cope. His state of mind is more important than the truth now so lie and don't feel bad. Your intent is kind and loving so it's not a bad thing.
Thanks for your kind words and support. My dad is thankfully still really "with it" mentally, which is another reason why this is so difficult. I appreciate any ideas from this forum!
My heart aches for you! I can't imagine the trauma you're dealing with!
Retrospect doesn't help now. I believe you did the the right thing at the time. You protected him! His honor! His ability to provide! His Life!
Your last 4 years really weren't full of lies! You were protecting him! Much like youd do for a child. He needs to feel cared for now. Not in charge. He is too frail to be in charge now! He is fotunate to have you!
So what are we going to do for funding to maintain his comfort?
I'm not good at seeking help, but if there are others on this site, we need to find assistance for our friend & her father.
Dad is 80 and living in a nearby Veteran's Home. He had a stroke 5 years ago. He did rehab for a bit and was able to come home, where my mom tried to take care of him. She was diagnosed with throat cancer a few months later and he voluntarily went to the Veteran's Home thinking he could get more physical therapy and get his life back. My mom died within a year, leaving me to try to sort out their finances.
I have an older brother who lives 4 hours away. He is very helpful and supportive. After being self-pay at the VH for 4 years, we ran out of money. Dad went on Medicare in December. Since then, we have paid for many things out of our own pockets in order to avoid telling him that he is "broke". Mom had sold an old tractor, a camper and some other things before she died. He still thinks those things are being stored for when he comes back home.
The issue is that he has been taking PT at the VH and is very happy that they have been working him so hard. However, they will only keep him on active PT as long as he is showing improvement. That has now stopped, so he must either pay for PT or move to the "maintenance" program. Of course, he wants to keep the physical therapists who are working him because he thinks he is close to coming back home with their help. (This is NOT a real possibility.) Private pay for PT will be $1000 per month, which we cannot afford.
We have played along with his dreams to return home because it keeps him occupied and working toward something. I think that he would just give up if he knew that coming home will never happen AND, on top of that, he doesn't have any money! But, we need to address this situation someway and are looking for ideas on how to break the news to him.
In retrospect, we should have come clean long ago. I am just fearful of hurting him by telling him that these last 4 years have been full of lies...lies that were meant to protect him, true, but still lies and half truths.
I've been there! Dad worked his whole life supporting his family. Always a hero! Paid cash for everything.
Then the Baby Boomers were born 60 years ago, who needed money for college, etc. He had the funds. He & Mom scrimped & saved to make it possible. They all have college degrees & decent jobs. Not around to hlep with eldercare!
I chose working over education & have always been available for my folks.
Anyway - you question hits me so hard! How old is you father? My Dad live on SS & pitiful retirement from Boeing. He always had money in the bank! Last week he asked me to buy him a package of cigarettes (yeah, we know). Told me to put it on his credit card.
How could I tell him I have been paying for his needs on my credit cards? His money ran out years ago except for the crappy SS & retirement. He is worth $1,900 a month & was living in a senior apt. for $3,500 a month.
He can't understand why the money he worked so hard for, saved so carefully ... is now gone.
How can your tell your Dad? I don't know. I've tried.
My brothers travel freely, renting luxury cars when they visit, finest restaurants, yet we live on Mac & Cheese. They are busy with their lifestyles. Hope you don't have that problem.
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Yes, we've sang a similar song with my dad. We sold our house across town and bought the house Dad build that I grew up in so that "his" home would be maintained to a degree.
We do bring him home for day visits, as you do with your mom. Over the 4th of July he wanted to stay the whole weekend and I told him that we would have to hire a nurse round the clock in case something came up. He seemed to accept that that would not be reasonable.
I guess my specific question is what to say regarding the physical therapy situation. He wants to stay with the people who are actively working him...not the maintanence folks. He recognized that the "real" physical therpists...not the aids...are the ones who will help him come home. If it was $50 or $100 a month, we would pay for it ourselves just to keep him happy. But it's $1000 and that is simply impossible.
Any ideas?
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Sometimes I think my dad (90) is brighter than me!
We are lucky to have coherent men in our lives ... until it comes to finances.
I hope other's here have suggestions.
I know how much it hurts.
I can't imagine the trauma you're dealing with!
Retrospect doesn't help now. I believe you did the the right thing at the time.
You protected him! His honor! His ability to provide! His Life!
Your last 4 years really weren't full of lies! You were protecting him! Much like youd do for a child.
He needs to feel cared for now. Not in charge. He is too frail to be in charge now! He is fotunate to have you!
So what are we going to do for funding to maintain his comfort?
I'm not good at seeking help, but if there are others on this site, we need to find assistance for our friend & her father.
I have an older brother who lives 4 hours away. He is very helpful and supportive. After being self-pay at the VH for 4 years, we ran out of money. Dad went on Medicare in December. Since then, we have paid for many things out of our own pockets in order to avoid telling him that he is "broke". Mom had sold an old tractor, a camper and some other things before she died. He still thinks those things are being stored for when he comes back home.
The issue is that he has been taking PT at the VH and is very happy that they have been working him so hard. However, they will only keep him on active PT as long as he is showing improvement. That has now stopped, so he must either pay for PT or move to the "maintenance" program. Of course, he wants to keep the physical therapists who are working him because he thinks he is close to coming back home with their help. (This is NOT a real possibility.) Private pay for PT will be $1000 per month, which we cannot afford.
We have played along with his dreams to return home because it keeps him occupied and working toward something. I think that he would just give up if he knew that coming home will never happen AND, on top of that, he doesn't have any money! But, we need to address this situation someway and are looking for ideas on how to break the news to him.
In retrospect, we should have come clean long ago. I am just fearful of hurting him by telling him that these last 4 years have been full of lies...lies that were meant to protect him, true, but still lies and half truths.
I've been there! Dad worked his whole life supporting his family. Always a hero! Paid cash for everything.
Then the Baby Boomers were born 60 years ago, who needed money for college, etc. He had the funds. He & Mom scrimped & saved to make it possible.
They all have college degrees & decent jobs. Not around to hlep with eldercare!
I chose working over education & have always been available for my folks.
Anyway - you question hits me so hard!
How old is you father?
My Dad live on SS & pitiful retirement from Boeing. He always had money in the bank!
Last week he asked me to buy him a package of cigarettes (yeah, we know). Told me to put it on his credit card.
How could I tell him I have been paying for his needs on my credit cards? His money ran out years ago except for the crappy SS & retirement. He is worth $1,900 a month & was living in a senior apt. for $3,500 a month.
He can't understand why the money he worked so hard for, saved so carefully ... is now gone.
How can your tell your Dad?
I don't know. I've tried.
My brothers travel freely, renting luxury cars when they visit, finest restaurants, yet we live on Mac & Cheese. They are busy with their lifestyles.
Hope you don't have that problem.
Write more ... please!
Please stay in touch.