My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

The Serenity Prayer is your best, least stressful option here. Just my opinion...and it's free!
~Cindy

This same similar thing happened to my bio dad with Alzheimer's, a gold digger moved in with him, too! Since you have a better advantage than I did, you really need to do something like speak with an eldercare lawyer and put some protections in place to guard his money and assets since he has dementia. Had this been later that you found out after his death you would've had to contact your state bar association and get a lawyer who handles these types of cases and you would've had to have spent a little money to open an estate for your dad like I had to. I'm currently still dealing with the aftermath of the gold digger and we are now in the inventory part of the probate process as this is a very long process. A part of me wishes I would have known about my dad long before I did because I could have at very least done something to protect him but I didn't know until after his death. You have an advantage I didn't and you can certainly do something. It's OK if you don't have a whole lot of money, just make that known when you make that call to your state bar association, especially if you're on Social Security. They can direct you to a lawyer who works on contingency for low income people. The lawyer will guide you as necessary through the process or they may just take care of it for you, and call you as necessary. You're right to be concerned and you're talking to someone whose his dad was also victimized by a gold digger. Act now or you'll in the same predicament I'm in now and have to claw back that money from the gold digger like I'm having to do right now from my dad's situation. Your case is much stronger if you have a winnable case that can actually be proven. Gather all the records you possibly can when contacting even the APS to report the incident 

Oh I am sooo sorry.........My dad at age 96 did the same thing. She moved in, she talked dad into changing two bank accounts, she walked in with him to withdraw 150,000 "in cash" and all he could say was "I want my bonnie".......so horrible. He was scheduled for a mental capacity check and his attorney and the sweetheart cancelled it......I cry and even though my mom is dead I ask her for forgiveness that I could not "protect my dad". The other siblings wont get much if she continues to do her thing. Truly a sweetheart swindle (good to google that word). I guess that guys have their mind between their legs "no matter what age"
In terms of an answer, see wheat you can do about moving out of civil into criminal.......they operate differently. A forensic accountant could help track the money. The paper trail is important and follow the money. Attorneys have specialties and this should be criminal, not just civil. The key is to prove that she is taking his money. I worked through an elder law attorney but that was not enough. The white collar crime division of your city police can help. I was able to get a photo of her telling day to withdraw 150,000. End result is that she ran off and married him......so basically she was more sneaker than I though.......Adult protection in your city is ok, but they are way too busy to care. Try to go criminal. Good luck....so sad. She could transfer the money anywhere - even out of the country and then there is no chance at all.....best of luck.....Oregon 2017

Yes, definitely call ice right away and report the illegal. I would also go as far as telling them what else you also told us. Yes, yes, yes, call it in, call ice right away! It's those kinds of people who are draining our money from our economy and programs, taking all of our jobs, housing and other resources away from the rightful Americans who were born and raised here. If you ever wonder why you see homeless people around, specifically veterans among them, this is partly why and you can blame it on the illegals who don't even belong here nor do some of the immigrants out there who may also be taking advantage of us, so definitely report, report, report!

Now in dealing with your dad, I would start by having a very serious talk with him privately one-on-one. I would then have him evaluated for competency and if he's not competent, I would take over his financial matters through at very least a conservatorship. Besides calling your mobile APS, lock up the checkbooks, valuables and debit cards as well as all deeds and titles. Alert the bank and get a safety deposit box to put all of the vulnerable items in including a copy of his will and other important legal documents. I would do this anyway even if he is competent because you never know what this golddigger will do, it happens more often than we realize. She'll just clean him out and move on to the next unsuspecting victim, leaving the victims family to sort it all out after that victim dies and needs to open an estate and hire a lawyer. Another thing you want to do is monitor his bank account and if I were you I would just go digital and not let him carry cash, write checks money orders or any other form of paper. Just do all transactions online and swipe the plastic at the checkout. What I would do is have a savings account attached to this man's checking account and sweep all of his money into the savings and set him up where he can't overdraft. If the money is not there at the checkout when you swipe the plastic, the card will be declined until you add more money. I went digital years ago and I've got the hang of it and it's so much easier than carrying cash, writing checks or any other form of paper, just swipe and go and put only enough money on your card that you need for that particular trip, don't have no extra money on that card. Make it impossible for the gold digger to get anything from your dad. I can tell you from experience that no one's taking advantage of me because I already took steps to protect myself. No one can take advantage of me because I just don't leave no opportunities open, and the more loopholes you can close in your case, the closer you'll come to making it impossible for the gold digger to get anything, and she'll eventually move on. I don't know where this problem is, but if it's in Ohio, specifically with in Lorain County,  I don't know where this problem is, but if it's in Ohio, specifically with in Lorain County, be very wary. There is a lady in that area who has been seen as a person of interest in a possible elder fraud matter and has also been in trouble for past taxes and lost property over it. If the problem happens to be in this particular area, go to the local authorities right away and report the matter to the APS at very least. Elder financial abuse is more common than we realize and it's up to us to be able to spot it, recognize it and stop it. It's up to us to watch over our elders just like we would our children because many times elders minds become as children, making them vulnerable to vultures. In a matter of days, our town will be starting a new group to encourage our town to become more like an actual community.  It's very similar to a neighborhood watch program but better because people with resources network with other people to bring help where it's really needed and we will be encouraged to watch over each other. Our group will be called the voices network which will start in a church backed by the pastor. You may do this and your area, we need groups like this so that we can not only watch out for each other but also reach out and help those who most need it. Networking will encourage people to pull together and watch out for each other. Having no social life, network, or other protections puts the most vulnerable in a position of opportunity to be taken advantage of, and it's usually people who are alone for most vulnerable, especially if they're elderly or disabled. The best way to stamp out elder abuse is to pull together as a community so that way, we can all watch out for each other. The final thing to remember is there is power in numbers, so the more people watching out for everyone the better

Must be my dad..............he was always soo logical, but now there is no question that he will answer without asking her. She is a predator and 25 years younger. Why would he get married at 96. I am afraid that is what will happen to you - they will then be a "spouse" and this might just be the last tray for kissing the inheritance good by (the siblings are minor compared to this). There are community property states that are different and also if there is a trust. I am facing (yes emotionally and financially) her walking out the door with everything. My mother was a true partner and had some money, but that will be gone. The marriage was the last thing she did. Financially because I spent 15,000 on an attorney, but like the other folks mentioned, he is a good actor (despite the primary care doc referring him to a geriatric psychiatrist and giving him Aricept). He doesn't know the name of where he lives, he doesn't know one grandchild, but yet when interviewed he just mumbles that "he wants his lady friend). A true golddigger after only one month.................nothing I can do since the wellness people listened to him. The marriage part is your research in my opinion - does he have a trust, will, etc. It would be good to know in advance of probate because she will probably go for the whole bundle or skip to another country.
If there was forgery then it would roll to a criminal court which is much easier than the civil court.....Good luck. Oregib2017

My dad is 97 and met a lady and she moved in with him and then 2 months later she removed money from his trust account, two months later she coached him to remove 150,000 from the bank account, she is from Mississippi and 25 years younger. She changed the trust and now the attorney gets a fee. I worked sooo hard and my dad liked me all my life and she fed him stories. My only suggestion is to find the massage lady "forging signatures" or something criminal - she might be too smart for this. - get it out of civil court since they have no teeth. I am suffering with the betrayal of my father. She and the attorney are smirking. Unless he is tested for dementia he can do what he wants according to the court.....absolutely horrible.
APS said he was happy......and did nothing.

I wonder about his mental stability - what does the doctor say? The siblings should get involved because if they don't, this gold digger will get ALL the money. This is a tough one. I saw this happen with an old friend years ago but I never found out how it all ended.

want2protectdad, see an attorney about getting guardianship for him. In the meantime, make peace with Dad before he asks you to leave.

I have an 80yo dad with cancer,i have been his livein caregiver 5 years.He met a lady who is 80 online and now she says she is his caregiver.She has taken over his meds,finances and more.She is very controlling and wont leave his side.i still live here and now my dad says I am not his caregiver.They are not married and I am wondering what rights I have.My dad has cancer is very stubborn and independent and I want to make sure he is not taken advantage of by this girlfriend,who has pushed me aside and very verbally abusive to me.Does anyone have any advice? I truly believe my dad has diminished capacity but it has not been officially diagnosed.He has lots of confusion,cant pay his bills without help and many many other signs.When I try and talk to him he thinks I am trying to take his control,when the whole reason I moved into to care for him was so he could remain in his home the rest of his years.HELP,being pushed out by dads 80 yo disrespectful and controlling girlfriend

it's not illegal for him to date even a gold digger. unless you can prove he's mentally incompetent

Cheyenne, it is good you are taking these stories to heart. Yes, do anything at all in your power to stop this, realizing that if Dad is legally competent and determined to do these things, you may not be able to, and he could well be prosecuted if he knows what he is doing. There are a lot of sad stories on here. Even King Solomon's story did not end so well though...this is "nothing new under the sun." Do what you can.

I am just horrified that this is so common, Found out my dad who is 80 yrs. old has done Car accident Insurance Fraud for a Pole Dancer at Popes Bar in Palm Springs, and now is doing Fraud with Immigration for the Second Time for the second pole dancer at Popes Bar in Palm Springs. First one was Russian and now this one is a Illegal Immigrant from Monterey Mexico!!! Do I call INS??? Signed worried Cheye

I am now dealing with the aftermath of my father's poor decisions and helping him to get the care he needs. He too allowed a woman 25 years younger - he was in his late 80's - to move in and lied about their relationship. She was just there to help him, right?. She had been married 6 times. She isolated him and alienated him from his own family. With his stubborness and his need to be in control, he failed to see that this woman had total control over him. After he disinheirited all of his own children, revoked POA from a sibling, re-wrote his will leaving her everything, cut off all communication with us, we let him be.
They married soon after all that. And that's when she went to work on him. She stole tens of thousands of $$ from him, perhaps, no quite sure, drugged him, began a deliberate plan to drive him crazy and paranoid, and when he kept on living she got tired of it all and went to the local dept of aging and said she was leaving him and initiated guardianship by the state. He's legally blind so he could not be left alone. He only knew what she told him.
He was removed from his own home and placed in a nursing home under temporary guardianship. What was left of his assets was frozen and they had POA and control of his bank account. She must have thought she was home free. However, she didn't have any plans in place to leave and even her own children wouldn't take her in. As desperate as she was to just walk away and take at least half of his estate, she didn't count on any of what was to happen.
He contacted me just before he was removed from his home. We had had no contact at all for 3 years. I was so angry and hurt with him I went into therapy. I learned to live my own life and was fine during that time. The first time he called he was incoherent, somewhat understandable, and I wasn't going to interfere. But he is a human being and my father. So while he is in the nursing home I continued to talk with him once a week. He became more & more coherent and began to understand that his so-called wife was the source of all his problems. He started to cooperate with the dept of aging, they got him a lawyer and he was in court a few days ago. He had gone through 2 days of a psyche exam and found to be competent. He is still sharp at 94 but I think he's still restoring his health.
I went to his hearing to determine whether he would be under permanent guardianship or if the court would rescind the guardianship.First time I'd seen him in 3 years. Wow, he had really gone downhill. He was declared competent and was free to do as he pleased. Unfortunately, the wife is still living in the home and he will be spending more time at the nursing home until he can regain sole possession of his home and get her out, arrangements made for in-home care and a divorce filed.
I say all this to let you know that there is hope for elderly folk who made terrible and deeply hurtful decisions to "come to their senses". It does come with a hefty price to pay - and I mean that not just financially but rebuilding trust with what is left of his family.
I just couldn't not help though my efforts are more geared to getting him the help he'll need than just accepting that we will welcome him back into our lives as though nothing has happened. He hurt all of us deeply. The woman he married did such damage to us all, I simply want her out of our lives so there's the possibility of rebuilding the trust and love we once had. Without going into to detail, this outcome is quite probable and will happen soon. Too soon to tell how long it will take, if ever, that we can be a family but I am glad to be helping the old man.
We're all vulnerable at some point but I believe that no matter how hurt and angry we are, extending some kindness to folks who were foolish is a good thing. We've all been foolish at some point. Try to remember this as you go through the very difficult times.
And lastly, I am an atheist so this has nothing to do with the forgive and forget crap. It has everything to do with being a human being and being kind to yourself and others. When a foolish person is in the throes of foolishness and it gets ugly, be good to yourself, live your life, and let the ugly go. If you are lucky, the fool will come around. If it doesn't happen, you will be ok and go on with your own life. You can't make someone change, they have to want it themselves. Honestly, I did not think in all these years my father would change his mind. I am glad he has for his own peace of mind. The "Serenity Prayer" is quite quite appropriate in these situations. Just be good to yourself.

REMIND HIM YOU ARE HIS SON!!!!! AND WHEN SHE HURTS HIM DOES HE EXPECT YOU TO BE THERE? ASK HIM KINDLY TO VIEW HIS PAST! DAD I LOVE YOU! DOES THIS MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

A man who was caring for my mother wiped her out. Does anyone know if there is a statute of limitations on going after someone like this?

You hit the nail on the head. I predicted she would take him for as much as she could possibly get, then walk and or kill him-to get more. The later has not happened yet and I hope that is not the final chapter. He actually registered in his name and gave her a gun to protect herself against drug dealers bothering her grown son that lives with her in HER house. Genious wasn't that.

Thank you for thinking of me and your love and support. I will keep you all up-to-date.

gmbyacht - I have often wondered what was happening in your father's life and in yours. Thanks for the update. I am SURE you aren't surprised at what has happened with the marriage. It is said that there is no fool like an old fool and I'm afraid your dad proved the saying. I am glad you have already gone on with YOUR life (just like he did with his) and I hope you are happy with the results of how you have gone on. It will be so hard for you now though to maintain your boundaries with your dad now that he has come crying back to you but I wish you all the luck in the world in doing so. May you be granted strength and wisdom. Much love.

Hello dear supporters.
Wanted to finish the saga-but this may not be the last chapter..
Fast forward from my original posting. Father is divorcing gold digger-he left message on my answering machine & has come crying back to me.. Marriage did not last more than 1 1/2 yrs. No property, money, cars, gifts, benefits left that she can get her grimey paws on. Apparently, she threatened to kill him as well over money, a neighbor told me. I found out he was her 6th marriage & 3 disappeared mysteriously. I got friendly with him for awhile until she called me 4 months ago and told me I was going to have a problem if I contact him again. She also said, "I am not going to let that ugly f-- ing bitch ruin my life" I overheard her screaming in our condo hall. I have no intention of supporting him in any way now that this has all come down. It is called bounderies and I am not going to put myself in a mentally abusive/hopeless relationship family or not. He did not listen to me, neighbors or friends. I have already gone on with MY life.

Ics, no problem. I understand. I want to mention that I have pretty much disconnected/disowned him after he blocked my calls. I feel little to nothing for him.--except that he is and always has been a looser. I am continuing my story in the hopes that others will not fall prey or are at least aware of this kind of a situation - from beginning to end. I have not found the time for al-anon - as I am taking care of myself, children, job and volunteering. Many Thanks, Happy New Year.

ggmbyacht - when I wrote that I wish I could help, I meant I wish I could help YOU - not that I wish I could help inflict pain!! At the moment I clicked "add answer" I realized that what I wrote could be interpreted two ways. My apologies.

I am so sorry, gmbyacht. The pain your father is inflicting on you is still so evident. I wish I could help.

Answering a couple of suggestions. In previous emails, I believe I already mentioned that *He cannot be proven to have dimentia to the point where he is incapable. *He took POA away from my brother a couple or so months ago and put the Gold Digger in charge of his health-i.e. pull the plug when/if you want too. - thinks it's called a living will. (He's fine at the moment, driving around, etc.) She has an unwritten power over him. Dam old fool.

My other siblings moved hundreds of miles away from him years ago and really don't care what he does. As I said before, the response is "he is a big boy". When he kicks the bucket and they all end up with $100, I won't HAVE to say, "I told you so". Hey, it's his life. He appears to know exactly what he is choosing to do. The dam old fool--that I have accepted.

If your father is proved incompetent, by a physician, she can't get POA. Proving it is the deal. It may or may not be easy.

Madge1 made a good point, I think. Gmbyacht, could it be proven that your father is suffering from dementia? He certainly has been behaving like he is demented. I know you may not want to deal with this any longer (it has been going on so long) and that you need to get on with YOUR life. But if there is still "fight" left in you, perhaps you could still get the better of this little scheming gold-digger. Does your brother, who is POA( I believe you said several months back) still not care about what is going on?

Well, I am glad to know You are doing ok his life is his own mes truly. take good care of you and consider that closed.....Hope it stays so. it is his bed and he can lie in it. You just do all you need to and build your life...I know how hard it is, I am still struggling to do so myself...Peace

Also, if your Dad has been diagnosed with dementia, she can't be POA. It is not legal for someone to give POA if they are mentally incompetent.

Hi I live in Florida also, This a prime place for scam artists and abusers of the elderly. There are agency you can contact. My MIL startied dating a "friend" from church (Miami area). He had befriended her for a couple of years in order to get into her life and take her money. He had a long record of scamming people. My BIL, husband and siblings called the Dade County Police, who amazingly were able to get rid of him. The moment she gave him money, everything changed. This for some reason gave the police some leverage. She was however a sweet lady, very churchy who "saw the light". I thought my husband was going to have a heart attack over this.

Good luck

gmbyacht...thanks for giving us an update. I am happy to hear that you have moved on with your life but am wondering if you ever tried Al-Anon?
If not I still urge you to do so. You have been programmed since your childhood to respond in an unhealthy emotional way to your father's dysfunctional behavior. This is still the keystone of your psychological development so even though your brain will always tell you "let it be" your emotions will continually nag you to "try one more time" This is evident in your FYI update. You provided twice as much information about your father's latest venture than about what you are doing with your new found freedom from his manipulation. That is not a good sign. So please get support from people who have walked in your shoes and have overcome.
Peace and happiness to you in the New Year!

Update from original poster: FYI only: Dear Friends, my father just bought a house because SHE-the gold digger wanted a new home for "them" (+her drug addict son + biker girlfriend). It will of course be in both their names & she will get it when he dies. Yes, many of you were correct as well as my suspicions. At this rate, there will be nothing left in his estate when he dies. She's wiping him out pretty quickly bit by bit. She already has her own home in her name, he has his condo within a few miles apart. What the heck is he thinking in getting another home?. He is spending $$ like a drunken sailor. Yes, I have moved on with my life. I wish there was an easy lesson to be learned here. Perhaps, just take care of yourself and stop caring in a case like this knowing how selfish & a drunk he was all of his life, I should not have ever cared. There is nothing I could have done in (his probably grand finale) 9 ongoing month saga even with all your suggestions/help. Thank you.

It seems to me that ezcare has a good idea, gmbyacht. I hope you will join an Al-Anon group - it sounds like it could help you stay strong in your determination to get on with your life and look after yourself. Please keep all of us posted as to the steps you are taking. We all want the best for you.