My mother asked me to move in with her to help care for her. What do I do now when she is telling me I need to get a job and that she is putting a roof over my head?

When my dad passed away unexpected, he had asked me on his death
bed to take care of mom. Mom was then alert but had been diagnosed with alzeheimers 8 years earlier. I was going to sell my home and move in with her(then the market crashed) and I am 4 years later now getting it on the market. I still work full time but at the begining found daycare serv ices which I called the club. She did not want to go but I gave her no choice. It worked out with that and paying people to assist. Mom had
enough money to be able to have other people come in and help. She went thru a very nasty stage would say all types of mean comments to me bringing back some very bad memories and making me wonder why I chose to do this. I sort out some help from other caregivers and found this was a stage of the disease I did put her on some medication prescribed by her doctor for this combative time and it balanced her and I also made it clear her comments were not acceptable and mean. It is some kind of a last ditch effort for them to attempt to hold on to some type of control in their life it is a very sad and difficult disease to watch your loved one die of.

Hi Germancookie,
This is what I think from what I understand from your post.

If YOU really have decided you do want to take care of your mom and you prefer that job to an outside job then you need to do something to make your mom see that she may lose you as her main caretaker.

Next time she tells you or hints you should get a job,, tell her you have been thinking about it and will be out in a week. Tell her you do not think the way things are working out with her are good for you.

You may find out she really does NOT want you as her main caretaker and you may have to accept that and let her go to a nursing home. At least you tried and were willing.

If you have found you cannot tolerate the situation and you DO NOT want to take care of her as her main caregiver then move out if you can. At least leave and spend a few nights away in a motel to get some relief and to remind her what her life was like without you.

We found with our mother in law that once she accepted one change in her home she just completely let go of everything. All the sudden she wanted everything gone and the house sold. It was quite a switch.

wow again, sounds like you are making the mistake i did, putting my marriage second. although we've been very married for 34 years and my husband and parents had reciprocal love and friendship, it feels like I over did it to help them. my dad and of course my mom did not recognize mom's dementia. I did much to compensate and help. that eventually did not make much difference for my parents, glad i did it, but feel I lost some good time with my great husband.

When Don and I came to our Mom's rescue she tried the same thing. She also does not want anything in "her" house changed or moved. Never mind that she is a depression child and everything has been saved for the last 60 years. The house is jam packed with stuff! The difference for us is that Mom has no choice, she cannot live in her home alone anymore at all. Don gave up his life in SanDiego CA for her and moved back home due to her medical conditions. Then Don found me and here we are, doing this together now. I gave up my life in Grand Junction CO and moved in here to care for Mom so Don could go to work. Mom's income does not cover the bills, if it were not for Don she would be sunk. So when she started in on Don, I started in on her. I have a habit of telling the truth and I did. She backed off slowly. She and I have butted heads several times now, but things are starting to even out. This house was built by Don's dad 60 years ago and is basically falling in on top of itself. So we are slowly remodeling as well. We are throwing many things into the trash and not telling her!

I would not recommend anyone to be as brutally honest as I am, but I would say that you need to sit your mom down and have a very forthright conversation. She did after all ask you to come help her. I would make a list of every concern or question and check it off as the conversation progresses. What exactly are her expectations and she needs to give a lot, you should feel like you are at home too! By the way, you are an independent adult and have the right to be treated like one. There is one word that must be used by everyone together, respect. If she can't give it, then you do not have to be there.

My heart goes out to you. This has not been an easy thing for us either, I know how you are feeling. The unappreciative attitude alone is very painful to take. But if you will lay down some ground rules and make some solid points, you will know exactly where you stand and if you want to stand there.

Pattie

Wow, you have your hands full! don't know why you fell into this heartache, but you sound devoted, but with no reward that your efforts are helping your mom feel happier. Sounds like your Mom grew up through the depression era when parents raised the kids, all relatives lived together and moved around as needed due to family arguments, or financial woes. and then parents lived with kids as they got older. Maybe you had that upbringing like me, irish catholic. life is different now. there are so many better avenues for your mom that were not around in the 40's and 50's. Assisted Living is not a sanitorium like the old days. and it is likely you will find one that pleases you and your mom. check into local, small 15-bed assisted living and the larger ones like sunrise, morningside, brighton manor. you will be able to spend more quality time with your mom as the staff will deal with the head on complaints from her and the everyday care. i hope this helps. i hope you realize that your unhappiness is not good or healthy for either of you. sometimes older folks will just argue because that is all they have in life. unfortunately, my mom developed alz at age 71, her cover-up of her memory loss in conversations was to start an arguement so that we would stop the conversation in which she had no clue on how to respond. My Mom is very smart, started her own real estate biz, etc. I used to hate those arguements, but boy, how I miss them now. At age 74, she knows what i am saying for the most part, but she can't respond sensibly. i ask her if there is something i can do to make her happy. and her words don't come about clearly. but as I was leaving this afternoon, i said "you know I would do anything for you . She said, I dont want you to feel that way. odd to get a full sentence. my dad died 3 months ago after a short terminal illness. i had said the same thing to him. he said you've done so much already. my husband and i always had a great relationship with them, had planned that they could live with us if needed, but they deteriorated so mentally and physically so rapidly. i trust you will make the right decision. you have so many choices. also consider live-in care. that's what mom has. best wishes to you!

Lynn is so very correct....your Mother wants you to know that she is still in charge. There is this fear of giving up independence so many parents get belligerent with the ones who are caring for them...their way of saying, "I really do not need anyone." On top of everything she is treating you like the unpaid help....which you are.
Either set some ground rules and ask that she follow them...or find new digs. By doing this, you are not cutting off your relationship to her completely...you are just asking for the respect you deserve. (btw...what's up with making you sleep on the couch????? you are living in hell's kitchen....get out before you lose yourself in this horrid situation.)
Lilli

This is very common, both you and your mom didn't understand clearly what this situation would mean. She may not be able to understand the changes in her needs and thus believes she's supporting you. Your best bet, to maintain a relationship is to get a job, move out and rebuild your life. Let mom get help by aides coming in or move her to assisted living. At her age things happen in increments - she'll need some sort of help then there will be an event (a fall, an emergency, etc) that signals she needs more help - on and on until she's in a nursing home. I tell the same thing to many, many people - don't give up your long term financial security and immediate loving relationships to take care of your parents! I hope you can easily resume your work and get your life back on track. Good luck

What you did basically is become the teenager again, relying on your mother to take care of you. It would be REALLY easy for her to slip back into the 'while you're living in my house, my rules' just like when you were young. Time for either a sit down with her as the adult you are, or for her to find someone/someplace else to take care of her.