As a trustee and decision maker when it coems to medical care, do I need my mother's consent to put her in as assisted care facility?

This is in response to Sylvester's post.

1. She wasn't dumped. She lives in a manageable IL apt about 600 sq ft with a balcony with a full range of services from daily meals, activities, weekly shopping excursions, on-site hair salon; emergency pull in bathroom & bedroom which is actually paid attention to; nursing & social workers on staff and most importantly the ability to socialize. She could have a pet if she wanted too, but doesn't. The ladies and the 5 men who are there are nice and act as if they enjoy being there. This week they are doing spooky cards for Halloween. She gets to play a mean set of Mexican Train domino's.

She would never do these things if she were solo at home.

The apt is part of a tiered senior care system so as her needs change (which will happen sooner than later as she's in her 90's) she can go from IL, to AL or NH or hospice. Her place was chosen because of that so there would be limited transfer trauma.

At her home she was constantly leaving the gas on the stove; unable to do laundry or clean; couldn't drive to store or get Rx's or medical appts; re-occuring g.i. problems from spoiled food;weight loss; unable to open windows or doors. She was always very, very anxious and paranoid.

Now she still gets anxious and paranoid, but they make sure
she takes her meds and that helps out tremendously. She can talk over her paranoia and false beliefs with the other residents and she feels more secure.

She has Lewy Body dementia, so she needs to be somewhere
where she can be as she active as this type of dementia enables them to be very normal (even though they are elderly) the vast majority of the time until they have an episode.

We did home-health care - she didn't like any of the 3 companies we used. It got to the point she would not open the door for them. So that option was out. Did a graduate student living in her garage apt in the 80's - she really hated that too.

2. She's a drama queen. True story - 1980's @ funeral home for rosary for a BIL. She did full-on black outfit with hat with veil.
She went into the nearest room all sobbing and carrying on
but IT WAS THE WRONG ROOM. When she realized it, she turned her heels, all normal and no tears, looked around and
asked where he was. We're in the back motioning her to exit.
In the hallway, she is totally OK no tears, applies some powder and goes into the right rosary and into full tears and emotion.
That for me is a real memory of my mom.

3. I feel fine that she is where she is. No regrets.

Both my husband & I have done what we can now (trusts, lc care insurance, etc) so that we can avoid being a issue for our children to deal with.

I don't think we have the right to pass judgement on the decisions we make for our families and certainly should not make people feel guilty about the choices they have made. This is supposed to be a support forum, not a place to point fingers and put people on guilt trips. While I don't think I could do that either, I understand why it was done. There is no easy choice when it comes to caring for aging family members. If you can't find a way to convey something postive or helpful then please don't post a reply.

WOW, I would hate to have that memory of my Mom crying and wringing her hands and making her leave her own place against her will. Did you discard her into a "nursing" home on top of that? How often do you visit? Do you check in unexpectedly to see if she is being properly cared for at ALL times? Do you go and spend time during events to see how she is adjusting? How do you feel when you go home knowing she is being cared for by a bunch of strangers who DO NOT take care of the elders like a family member would? Good luck.

You have to do what's best in the overall spectrum of care.
Being at home in her 90's with health conditions that would require immediate professional attention is not that.

I moved my mom in her 90's against her choice. It wasn't fun and she was wringing her hands,crying as the movers were in shrink wrapping her furniture to her new apt. It had to be done for her own health, safety and security. That should be your mantra when dealing with her, other family members or anyone else. It may seem that she is mentally sound but in reality that is not the case, e.g. blood in stool for days and not saying anything about it.

Take a deep breathe and go thru what she requires from the start of the day on. Make a list and whether or not she can do/take/walk/ whatever is needed to complete the task totally on her own. For example, if she has a med that she needs to take 1 hr before a meal can she do that. Is she aware of date/time/weather. If it's cold, does she dress appropriately.If not she needs to go to a facility who has the experience and staff to do whatever is needed for her day-to-day existence.

There is a HUGE difference in being cognitive and cognizant.

Oh, the movers (who do senior moving alot) said they see this
all the time, no problem, just keep her from grabbing onto
the rear lift when they leave........
good luck

You cant make her do anything really. She has to decide unless she has been declared unfit to make the decision. It sounds like that has not happened. Is there any way that she will consent to have someone live with her? Maybe a renter who agrees to help her? Maybe she will consent to have someone come in once a day to check on her. The home care teams might require a minumum # of hours per week but they can come in and help her bath or just talk to her for a while. It might be something for her to look forward to. I had the same problem with my parents. I quit my job and am now living on my retirement at 56. It was and is not easy.

She is mentally sound, but her medical conditions require around the clock care which is proving to not be affordable to have in the home. Also, because of all of the emergency situations that have come up over the last several months I am now at risk of loosing my job because of the time taken off to attend to her needs. I am the only one around to care for her.and it is just not feasible anymore. She will not tell anyone when she is not well, or in the most recent instance when she has had black stools for days and has internal bleeding. She is 90 and can have an emergency at any moment. The stress of the situation has given worsened my own heart condition and caused a need for me to be on additional medication. She does not want to leave the house and I understand that, but I can't take care of her on my own anymore. It has been going on like this for years now. She will not consent to leave which leave me with no options but to deal with it, risk my job, my health and my marriage as a result. If the situation were reversed I might want something better for my daughter.

If your mother is mentally sound and can make rational decisions, why wouldn't you want her input concerning her own living arrangements? What would you want if the situation were reversed?

I have guardianship of my mother and I have to get the court's permission to move her anywhere unless it is an emergency like her getting kicked out of the hospital with no where to go. I dont think being a trustee has anything to do with medical care. I was the decision maker for my mom for 3 years before I became guardian and really I could not legally do anything with out her say so. She was the one that signed the papers. Usually even a poa does not go into effect unless she has been declared incompetent. That is my understanding. I am not a lawyer so I am a little hazy. I know but i dont know if you know what I mean.

Is she coherent and can answer for herself?

I would like to know the answer to this question also.