i have known her for 35 years and had a wonderful relationship with her i love her dearly we have never had a cross word until now. my husband upset her but she is taking it out on me and accusing me of being a liar and trouble maker. she is being very spiteful and nasty. I cannot seem to reason with her she shouts me down and calls me names. She seems the complete opposite with other family members crying and saying how ill she is and generating their sympathy. As she is so sweet and frail with them they are finding it hard to believe it when i tell them how aggressive she is with me. She is 76 years old and does suffer with arthritis and is constantly in pain. I have always been there for her but I am finding it increasingly difficult to be with her. What can I do?
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You say it is increasingly difficult for you to be with your MIL. If I were you, I would probably start to limit the time I needed to spend with her( if this is possible). It doesn't sound like this is going to get better, and it may become worse. A doctor's evaluation is always a good idea, because he/she can spot cognitive conditions which might respond well to medication of some kind.
It's hard to see these changes happen in our loved ones, I know. I'm sorry you're seeing and experiencing this. It feels like a "loss" and it is and it needs to be grieved, I believe. Then you can begin to adapt to the loved one's "new" personality and relate to her in a loving, productive way. Because they still need us and need our love.
There is one thing I learned about all this, it isn't what we say or what THEY say, it's how we make them FEEL that can turn a situation around. Even if they are being unreasonable, if we make them feel that what they say matters, it can often make things better.
I do hope that Snookens posts an update and let's us all know how things are going.
It really made me stop and think and review her past, and sure enough, she DID repress so much anger from things she has been through, the death of her first two daughters as infants, the loss of her Mom at an early age, etc. There are so many things in this unfair life that can cause repressed hurt and anger and eventually, it will boil over and the outcome is usually not a pretty one.
My mother and I had the best relationship all our lives, and yet towards the end of her life she would 'pick on me' all the time! At first I didn't know how to react, and it hurt me, and then I realized that she was 'trying' to act normal around everyone else, but with me she could just say what was on her mind (and she did)
As her moods got meaner, there were times when I would walk away, and sit and just 'cry it out' and inevitably she would come up behind me and ask me "WHO is making you so sad?" Ironic huh? I NEVER told her SHE was responsible.
But, it showed me that she was not intentionally trying to upset me, she was just lost, upset and confused, and needed to lash out in an effort to gain back control. Pain, confusion and aging can be a powerful combination and perhaps a visit to her doctor and a review of medication, and her general well being and mental state is in order. Identifying problems EARLY ON, provide the best means for dealing with any health issues.
Don't take it personal, as difficult as it may be, and try to remember all the years that you DID have a wonderful relationship and let that sustain you. This same situation happened to my sister in law, and all I heard from her was how MEAN my mother was to her (in her declining days) and I had to remind her of how much Mom actually did to help all of us over the years, and that so much of her anger was repressed for decades!
Everyone has a bad day, even the nicest of people. When Mom would cuss me out, I would gently remind her that GOD was listening, and at first saying a prayer out LOUD seem to stop her, but then when she was unable to understand, I just calmly asked that she "Get it all out here on earth, because those in heaven don't speak that way!"
God bless you, stay strong.
My extended family has no idea what Mom can be like - she has always been sweet and loving and smiles when she sees people, especially when she thinks they are family. My siblings all know her differently than I do - they say they can't win if they try to stand their ground with her so they don't try and therefore she doesn't get mad at them. I think they are just afraid to confront the issues with her. I have no problem doing it when necessary, although she gets nasty with me. My sister stayed with her last weekend and I asked her to make sure Mom bathed on Friday (the normal day) but she didn't because Mom got mean. My sister left thinking Mom hated her.
First and most important, try not to take it personally. I don't know your mother-in-law's personality but that plays alot into how they treat the people around them. And also, as with me, if the others don't tackle any issues, they will never see the "mean" side.
Best to you and your family.
Hap