Is it wrong to feel mad about having to stay home every day to care for my mom?

Neco , I know how you feel too. can you try daycare? Even with daycare, I work when Moms there and still have the evenings and weekends without being able to go out. I feel sometimes like a prisioner in my own home, but then, my Mom will look so confused and I sing her a song and seeing her smile or laugh makes it ALL worth while. Imagine being so helpless and confused and afraid. I tell my Mom everynight that I am staying her "all night long so she is safe" she says it makes her feel so good. I cant imagine anyone else taking care of my Mom, its hard, yes, but hey, shes my Mom and soooo worth it. I would do it for my husband or children too, in a heartbeat, but never my sibling who never help, I hope they get what they deserve.
Big Hugs
Luvmom

I'd say let yourself have the feelings accept they are feeling as long as they don't mess with your care giving and they will pass, sometimes the harder you try to shut something off the stronger it will be. It is a very hard and complex situation to be in for anyone, give yourself credit you took it an and are able to care for another so well, allow your self to feel angry and resentful; and remember that this too shall pass, even when it feels it never will...

It's so hard not to have those feelings, I am in the same situation and sometime my mind is my own worse enemy..I begin to think of the things I have given up, career,relationships, etc...I begin to feel that trapped in feeling, What I do when this begins is talk to a friend that understands as well as do some deep breathing and change my thinking..instead of saying I'm trapped in, I tell myself that this is yet another journey in life, I have taken so many (emotional,mental wise I mean) that this is just another one and something good will come out of this. It doesn't change anything or make anything better but it helps me press on. If anything I have learned through this is that you will discover who your true friends are and you will be suprised, Im hoping that this forum will also help me get through the toufh times...hang in there.

I am only a year in to this, but I definitely feel your pain. What I was FINALLY able to do was find a "babysitter" to give me some respite. That has been a Godsend. I strongly recommend you seek this kind of assistance. I have a sister that is phenomenally helpful and three bothers that really only want to contribute financially - which works just fine in regards to the caretaker.
Oh yeah, and I take a lot of xanax....... LOL

No it is not wrong to feel mad -- what you are doing is absolutely wonderful and hopefully you have some way to vent to someone who shares your feelings --
Try to get some relief -- do something for yourself --
Even cleanig out a drawer may help -- something

There is no shame in feeling like you do. As humans, we all have our limits, and you have reached yours. You need to get some of your life back, even if it's just a little. We all have bad days. Even those of us who say they feel blessed to be caring for a loved one. No one can stay patient and kind and loving all of the time.
We get stressed, tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated. Chances are we will eventually act out or just get nasty to relieve the stress. It's all a part of caregiving. I hope you find a solution to help both of you. Good luck. We're all here for you.

Have you thought about getting a caregiver to come in from an agency?
I worked as a caregiver for a gentlemen that lived with his daughter, and son in law. They were able to get out, and do whatever they wanted.
I took care of my Mother. I know what you're feeling. Hang in there, and try to make good memories.

Olsenc

Lilli has a point about not abandoning parents out of inconvenience or selfish disregard for anyone else needs but one's own...too many people never even think to help another family member in trouble, but some of this is beyond a "matter of convenience", people are swamped over-whelmed and in some cases the older person would truly be better off in a Nursing Home facility. Not everyone is up to the task nor should they have to feel obligated to it out of guilty as crowe says...even with genuine love and all the best intentions you may not be qualified to give the care your loved one needs.
Granted, there are a lot of selfish, thoughtless people out there, many of us know them in our own families; the ones who take and never give or make offers they do not come through on. Never the less in reality, not being able to be a 24/7 caregiver for an aging relative is not necessarily a selfish act.
I have asked my mother, she would rather be in a home, than have any of us having to look after her when she needs care. She plans to go from retirement to assisted living to nursing care. If at all possible that is. I would look after her myself...I think it depends a lot on the family as well. Throw in family history and paying strangers really may be the best option for nursing care, for many of us.

mommag is correct here: it is not kind to tell people to suck it up or stop complaining or this doesn't bother me what is your problem or how dare you say you are not over the moon to have this special time with a loved one, especially when they need you so much...

This is the first generation that has taking in the care of elderly relative en-masse in history. People just used to pass on before the miracle of modern medicine made our lives extended into the beyond twilight years. We may be living longer and to greater ages now but what of the quality of life? Not only for the older person suffering many pains and humiliations and physical disabilities and emotional stresses of just oozing through there last of their lives, but the pain of the families who love them (or don't) Who have given up significant sections of their own lives to take on stressful draining duties that are upsetting both for seeing the losses the loved one endures but the losses in there own lives of free time, energy to give to other family members, financial stability and sleep even? Maybe they did "Take care of you? But you were the child they choose to have small, and growing and with an expiration date of the duration of care as well as the support of schools and family and society at large in many ways.
Some of the more painful aspects of elder care are the isolation and lack of assistance from other family members who don't want to see a loved pone go down hill in their faces, as well as sheer physical toll of caring for a demanding, irascible one time authority figure who may be bigger than you, increasingly disabled and with no end in sight for how long this may last.
Aging Care Giving is hard hard work, whether you love it and wouldn't have it any other way, or must drag yourself to give them the care they need and deserve, it does not change the dimensions and facts and very real frustrations and yes, even irritation and anger of caring for an older adult who is no longer able to look after themselves.

I agree with Denise55. It is always easy to say place your needs above all else and put the old folks "away." My personal barometer is to ask myself: 1) is there a good placement for my parent that is better than or equal to the care they are getting at home?; and 2) what would I want for myself if the situation were reversed? I doubt any of us would say, "put me in a run-down nursing home." Forget for a moment that they are our parents. What is the humane thing to do? Even the nicest facilities require diligence by a family member or the patient will be neglected and poorly treated. Many placement alterantives frighten the hell out of me.
It is entirely normal to feel overwhelmed and angry about having to care for an elderly person who needs so much of our time. Many of us do this without the involvement of our siblings. And most of the time the job is thankless. Then why do we do it? Because we have a conscience. As much as I would love my "old life" back, I could never turn my back on my Mom. I have had two family members who placed their parents in a NH that was no where near where their children live. It breaks my heart. These once vibrant members of the "greatest generation" will now just wither away in some facility. It is NOT what they deserved.
I do not think caregiving should be equivilant of martyrdom. But it does take creativity and patience to help someone in need while preserving one's own sanity. It is all about balance and being tenacious about finding the best services in your area. It has taken me 3 years to gather good medical people and affordable in-home care for a few days a month.
I wish peace and tranquility to all here who are direct caregivers and struggle with this issue.
Lilli

My mother has lived with me for 8 years. To the folks who say, "They took care of you"; Please don't say that. You have no idea about the particular situations of the people who express hardship here on this blog. We are venting and it is healthy to share our feelings. It's like someone saying "Been there, done that" after you poured your troubles out to them. It is a stupid statement and it is not helpful. Also, taking care of your spouse is different than your mother. When you have a child and raise it, you aren't saying "I'm doing this so you can take care of me when I am old". You are usually young and can handle the task of caring for a child or children. I am 50 years old. I have a 21, 17 and 10 year old daughters who have missed out on a lot of their mother's time and attention. Time and attention that cannot be made up for. I am resentful and I am sharing my story with others who may have similar feelings. My mother is a woman who was a housewife and an artist (a selfish artist)..never learned to drive or swim. I rode my bike everywhere when I was small, around 8 years old; taking myself to school, piano lessons, girl scouts, friend's houses, bowling...you name it, I took myself there. My mother didn't have to take care of her own mother while raising her children, she never kept my grandmother more than a couple of weeks at a time and not very often. I feel sad that I am stuck doing this job of caring for my mother especially since I have three older brothers who seem to think it is impossible to have their own mother come to stay with them for even a week or two; perhaps it would disrupt their life or their wife and kids. What about my marriage and kids? What about me going back to work once my youngest was off to school? I continue to care for my mom because she is my mom but I don't have to be all happy and dripping with sweetness about it. A lot of days I am Mother Theresa but a lot of days I am not.

well Crowe what do you suggest we 50 something year old people do? I happen to be one who is caring for my mom with dementia whom I had to move fher from her home to mine. I dont have and never had a lot of money or savings,just paycheck to paycheck, presently not working (do have FMLA, not much good with no money!), My mom gets a small pension and ss, but does not qualify for any state help. So we are both living off her $2,100 monthly check until I can get her placed in an adult day care that is affordable and gives me enough time to get to and from work. (oh did I mention I dont have a car?) What Im trying to say Crowe, I do agree we will almost wind up as poor as our parents, but I have no choice unless I sit back and say she will just have to go somewhere where her money can afford and I will visit as often as I can. My mom is not so far in her dementia that I can just place her anywhere, have you seen the conditons and treatment not so wealthy but not so poor seniors get? No help from my siblings, or her only brother and sister-in-law who at one time before she moved with me lived a lot closer than me, and hardly called or visited! If you can tell someone who has no savings, no retirement or assests what can help I will try anything. All I have is my belief in God, and a great friend in Tacoma, Wa who is trying to help me relocate and start over with my mom. I have nothing left here in MD to even consider!! Please send me a comment

Taking care of an elderly parent at home is not the same as a parent taking care of a sick child at home. For one thing, usually, the child got better. The elderly parent will continue to get worse an die. And no mommy did not stay home and take care of me when I was sick because she did not have that choice as a single mom. I've read far too many stories here of people 50 some and younger quitting their jobs, spending all of their retirement and moving home to become just as poor as mom is but then develop bad health problems from all of the stress.

No, its not wrong to stay home ane take care of your mom.
do not forget the time when you were a little boy, and your
mommy took care of you when you were sick. Did she had a
choice? I retire at 62, so i could take care of my wife, She has
"ALS" I love fishing a lot, But for 3 years i could not go fishing.
But, after i take care for my wife, i do what i love to do most read. go on the internet., woodwoking.
So if you keep busy doing things you love,you will notice is not that bad. invite friends over to play cards or dominos.
how about going out wih your mom to the park or movies.

I am in a situation where I work and am not at home for at least 11 hrs per day. My mother recently had a heart attack and is now in a rehab facility. Her doctor and the nurse at the hospital told me she can no longer live alone. The only choice is an assisted living facility. However, my mother, who also had alzheimers disease, does not want to discuss an assisted living facility. For me, this is the only option that I have now.
I finally realized that I need to do what is best for her and for me and that means that she will go into an assisted living facility. This transition will not be easy!

I have been taking care of my father for 2 years and still going. It is a lot of hard work and can be very sufficating. But I was told by a professional that you have to learn to say no. I can not leave him alone. He has started 3 fires and we can not afford to loose our home or his life. The last one he suffered third degree burns all over his face and chest. So I take breaks during the day, read a book, and on saturday for a few hours I have a friend watch him so that I can buy groceries and eat one meal out. You have to find time for your self and make sure that your loved one is taken care of.

NECO:

To begin with, gives us a "Neco 101" and tell us about yourself. Then some details about your situation so we can be of assistance now and in the future. The idea of moving somewhere else gives her the willies, but your living arrangements must change if you're to prevent turning into a basket case.

The bottom line is that you need to get on with the rest of your life, and she knows it. ... And your life, mental health included, shouldn't have to be negotiated with anyone ... especially one that's draining it out of you day by day.

This kind of stress is never an option. It doesn't matter when, it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter whom.

-- ED

I don't want to be difficult or anything, but am I the only who feels that the whole "THEY DID IT FOR YOU" arguement is silly when you consider that having children is a choice but having parents isn't?

It's possible that your mom had some of the same feelings when she was caring for you. It's part of life.

Thanks Crowe,
It's been very rough lately, Can't do it alone anymore. Hopefully the counselor will help me work out how to handle everything without cursing myself with lifelong guilt.

Ted,

Have not seen you around lately. I'm so glad to hear you are seeing a family counselor today and hope it starts you on a healthier path.

I also have siblings who do nothing, not even call, wait, I take that back, one sibling, the executor of my father's estate has lied to me and told me that my inheretance doesn't exist, Now I have to scrape together the retainer to get a lawyer to show her the paperwork the court sent me that shows that at the time of his death it did...
Anyway, I'm struggling with this same question now. It has gotten to the point that I ask "Is it wrong that I am even attempting this?"
I have an appt with a family counselor in the morning. Wish me luck.

No, I feel pissed too! I am angry that I have three other siblings who do NOTHING.

Neco--I would say that it is NOT WRONG to feel mad about the situation you are in, as it does sound as though you are very much overwhelmed or even feeling trapped.
To begin with, you probably need an alternative plan-so you can break away, while your parent is being taken care of. Can you call a family meeting-to see what others have to say, or possibly offer?
Another alternative-is perhaps day care....your parent will be watched, while you have some ME TIME--to run errands or whatnot. Most important to clear your head of the stress you have been under.
Caregiving is not an easy task, I have been there, but on the upside, the rewards are great.
Best to you and your family~and do get back to us in this forum.
Hap

No dear its not wrong, I am going thru the same thing, I havent been to work in over a month! Its becoming financially hard but I wake up each day with a different agenda. Today I decided an adult day care 2 days a week will help both of us, and I will take it from there. Each day will bring on a different emotion, but I have 2 siblings who does nothing to help me so its just me, and I cant afford an assisted living ome and dont trust all the smallers ones I found. So look into adult day care. They are are pretty high, but you may find a less expensive one in your area. Contact the Alzhemier Assoc, they are a great help!

neco, No it's not bad to feel mad or trapped or guilty but those feelings won't get you anywhere in the long run. You need to find a solution. Not everyone is cut out to care for their loved one at home, and those who can should be honored. Study your options and I'm sure you'll find the answer soon. Your health and mental well being are just as important as your mom's.

No it is not wrong. It sounds like she has you chained to her for your false guilt over feeling mad about being the 24/7 slave.

Tell us some more about your mother's health and more about yourself. Like are you an only child or do you have any siblings? Does your mother have any retirement or a long term health care insurance that would help pay for her going to assisted living if she qualifies?

Do you have medical and durable POA for her or does anyone have it?

Has her doctor seen her lately and would it be possible for home health care to come to you and do an evaluation of your mother's health and her continuing to live at home?

No one likes to hear that they can't live at home anymore, but that news is often received better, but not always from a professional like a doctor.

Keep coming back here to vent, to let us know what is going on and to let us know how you are doing?

No, it is not wrong to feel resentful, but stay aware of your feelings so they do not interfere with the quality of care you give, start looking for alternatives, can anyone else stay with her to give you some time off, or if it is time to look for a home talk to her doctor about how to make the move as pain free as possible for both of you...Good Luck.