I need Power of Attorney, but my mother can't even sign her name and she will never agree to signing her life over to me. What's the best way to deal with this?

She does NOT want the POA, so you either let the state declare her incompetent (if she is) and they take over, or you hire a Lawyer and spend about $5000 to petition the court and have the JUDGE appoint you her guardian.

Oo, now, there are ways round that one, Rayth - I suggest you download the appropriate forms and read the guidance notes. I think his representative has to sign on his behalf stating why he's doing so, and that has to be witnessed too; but it's a while since I read the guidelines. But I'm sure it's been thought of - it shouldn't be hard to check.

It sucks being an only child. I'm feeling it now more than any other time of my life. I am left with a narcissistic, abusive father. He's 80, has no short-term memory which he denies, has been a victim of bank fraud and has lost 10s of thousands of dollars to exploitation by a 25 yr old drug addict, and refuses to sign a POA. I'm kinda of relieved because I don't want to be legally responsible for him any way. We've basically been estranged since my mother died 14 yrs ago. I wonder but try not to worry about what is gong to happen to him. He has no one else in his life, but he seems to prefer it that way. He is toxic to me. I suffer from depression and physical problems after I've interacted with him. My husband tells me that our family is suffering because of what it does to me to try to help him. I don't know what the solution is, but for now, I'm taking a long break from him.

How does a person give power of attorney if he is paralyzed and can't sign his name, but still has good mental faculties?

Dear NiN2R3 I did not even know that a lien was placed on my mom's house until the day of the closing by the nursing home up North. When we all were in the lawyers office in New York that's when we all found out. A check had to be made payable to the nursing home and then I had to continue paying until I was able to get mom to Flodia with me. The nursing home only told me the house had to sold and my unclse must leave his place of living of over 26 years. (mom had a two family home, he did help out a lot) each state has it's laws. But if the house can be put in your name have it don, to save grief. My mom had the illness a long time.

denise55,

Sometimes you do find the will plus other papers. My mother is 79 and has a copy of her late mother's will in her safety deposit box in which there was also a letter saying something about my mother's will which led me to consult with her brother who said he had mailed it back to her after it had been in a lock box for several years. I had already searched my mother's room well, but I searched it one more time and I found it. Earlier, I had gone to the clerk of court to see if it was on file there because some people do that. I even went to the family lawyer who was semi retired and sad to say did not remember writing it in 1979. If you know the county in which your mother was married, you should be able to go to the register of deeds to find a copy of the marriage license. Only by accident was mom's living will discovered because she put it in a very strange and random place. Her, husband, my step-dad, was completely in the dark about all of this.

Good luck.

N1K2R3:
Medicaid will help pay for a nursing home if your parent neds skilled care, but not for assisted living. I don't know if this varies from state to state, but I suspect it doesn't matter b/c Medicaid is a Federal program. One of Medicaids rules is that if a spouse or children are still living in the house, it can't be sold. BUT, if your parent is the sole occupant, Medicaid can require the sale of the house before qualifying for Medicaid assistance.
Hope this helps.

I'm learning something......I didn't know that a nursing home could put a lien on one's house while they were in the nursing home. It does make sense however ( for them ). If one does not have a Long-Term Care Insurance Policy, and the family is paying privately, then the nursing home has to be protected against a family whose loved one dies and abandons the payments. I assume that the lien will be removed as soon as the nursing home is paid.

I lived in Florida and was abkle to get a will/ durable power of attorney and legal health epoxy done through the company I worked. its wass through a employee assistnace program. My mother did have a small problem, was able to sign her name but the lawyers helped her out. Lucky I did it back in 1999, because in 2000 she fell and then again in 2001. The company charge to me was only $100.00they picked up the differnce, I also made my self legal rep over mom. I saw things going wrong. But don't get upsate get with your states local elder care and also the alzheimers hot line association. Their may be a way paper work can be done. A elder care lawyer can help but you will pay for it dearly. The only thing my mom did not listen to the lawyer about was the house. She though it was her house and wouldf would die in it and and it would be mine. wELL THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN WHEN THE DOCTOR PUT YOUR LOVED ONE IN A NURSING NURSE. a LEIN WAS PLACE. It took from 2005 ubntil 2007 to sell the house and get mom down to Florida. Also if your mom was married to a veternans and you do have his miltary paper work and she did not remarried there are benefits aslo due for her care. it takes time. check out this things and hang in .I know i do not want any one to go through what I went through. I had all the legal paper work and still receiving bills that were submitted to medicare a year after her death.

You don't choose doctors and lawyers from the phone book - and epoxy is glue - not something you need for a sick parent. DNR was your mothers decision - not the decision of some idiot who can't spell and gives you their personal advice. DIscuss your dedicisons with your doctor and attorney - don't take the advice of some unknown person

First get in touch with her docotor and also your local elder care rep in the telephone book. and they may give you a goood elder care attorney. before you sign any thing. If you do have certain paper work you can become her legal rep on her banking account.with the social security office. You will need a durable power of attorney/ and legal health epoxy. This also will help you out latter on. good luck hope everything works out well for you. I made sure there were DNR orders, because the hospitals will do everything in there power to force feed and try anytype of producers. Some docotors have them in there office. remeber a lgeal DNR needs to be on (YELLOW PAPER)

Your Mother doesn't need to sign her name just make some kind of mark on the signature line with a Notary present who can and will verify that she signed the Power Of Attorney document. I was having the same problem with my husband but once he found out that all his money would be used up by the government if he didn't have a power of attorney document to protect his assets he agreed to sign. The best thing to do is get an attorney that is up on elder law in your state, the cost is worth it. Good luck, PK

My mother had dementia. We never had to get conservatorship, guardianship or even Health Care POA for her. It was actually her attorney who sensed she had a problem. She went to him for something, and since she was insistent about what she wanted, he thought there could be a problem. He convinced her to have me be her POA for finances, with POD priveleges upon death. No problem. When I had to buy her home on land contract for Medicaid purposes, it took some doing, but he convinced her to sign. When the land contract became a resource for Medicaid purposes, we went to him to sign for me to pay it off. If she would have been in the nursing home at that time, he would not have permitted for her to sign, but she was living in her own home. I told her I had to borrow money from the bank to pay for her short term stay in a nursing home after a mini-stroke. I told her she had to sign papers, and she said "I suppose". Since she was living at home at that time, and still able to make decisions, she was permitted to sign. We did not need the attorney for anything else. She never had Health Care POA. Nature always its course, and there was never an issue of what to do next. She had caregivers at home (I lived there but had to work, etc. She had caregivers for two shifts per day). When the money ran out to the point where she was Medicaid eligible, she was admitted to the nursing home. Her doctor insisted on her having a feeding tube installed later on that month, so she would no longer have been able to stay at home anyway. Later on when the doctor thought she should have a trach tube installed and I did not want her to have one, I never had to make the decision, because she died about 14 hours later.

if they have dementia, and hopefully someone was paying close attention!, POA can be done early depending on how it is approached. We who have to deal with a parent knows it is voluntary and Lord knows thats the hardest part, After death we would all hope what we did was not in vain, since most of us gave up our personal lives for a time. We usually never ask why do we want it, all we are concerned with is making sure they are ok, it is not until we start the caregiving that we find out it is harder than we thought! As far as, does she want it? Well if we just tried to decide that they would be in their home suffering and still wondering if someone is coming or calling, and getting broken promises. As far as where is the will? well if anyone is going through what I am you will never find one, most people age 80 up did not even try to consider doing that, I cant even find my moms marriage license for VA support or insurance papers. And after they get to a certain point in dementia they dont even know what you are talking about! All you can do is keep searching papers in the house or watching in the mail for past due bill or late notices. I dont even know how I will bury my mom when she dies! Trust me, it is not point A to point B dealing with someone with dementia or Ad disease. I had to finally say one day, I cant worry about the past but start fromm now and hope it all comes to past. She is too old to get an insurance policy( at least here in Md).

Keep in mind that a POA is a voluntary procedure. It ceases with the death of the DONOR. The word "donor" appears in the law text. So don't push it.
Ask yourself these q's:
Why do you want it? Does SHE want it? ( I guess not)_
Is there another person with whom she would feel more comfortable giving her Power to?
How incapacitated is she? Last but not not least: Where is her will, Ha!

Hi Denise, I am glad if I help someone even if it is a little. Yes I am lucky that I am still employed...you are right about that. Many folks here have been let go and on top of their caregiving which makes it oh so terrible. I know I have bitched about my workplace a lot but I guess I better shelve that...many would love my job. So I shut up now at work and just trudge through it. I almost near retirement too so I am going to finish it and I tell my mom I cannot quit my job. They never once spoke to me about any of these things to happen in the future such as old age. My father has been gone now almost 12 years and have been the caregiver to my mom all those years. It started out with me spending a lot of time with her but then I started to get sick not knowing it was her Narcisstic attitude that was sucking me dry and getting sick. Once I figured it out I slacked off and only catered to her on Sundays to take her to whatever stores/banks she wanted. Took care of writing bills out and any car needs. It only came to last year when she finally needed more help and the more heavy duty caregiving really began. But I tell you that woman would not let anyone else take her to the stores on Sundays in all those years. So basically for the past 12 years I could never go anywhere..no vacations or anything no weekend getaways nothing. It's hard when you see friends and co-workers travelling and going places and you are in frozen muck and can't go anywhere. When I tell that to my mom she acknowledges it but then she says this farce...what can I do now? Yeah right.

Hey Pirate dont be so sure!! You right about 1 thing parents from the old did treat their kids like object do this do that, dont do this dont do that and never no in between. The thing now Pirate young people are not working so when i retire or whatever happens to me there will be no ss. Now maybe folks our age has planned more carefully, I know I have (dont want to depend on either one of my children). But the ones from 35 under are in trouble!! I know how you feel about the crying in the morning but you know what stop crying, I had to and at least you can afford to get up and go to work! I havent worked in almost 2 months. I have FMLA but thats not paid Ive used up all my paid leave. You may not know this but you help people like me on this website a few times. Like when you said you would not quit your job. I was gonna quit mine to care for my mom, but you right that would be a big mistake! I cant give up all my 401K, Im 55 and incase no one knows it, every 5 years a womans body goes through changes. You keep going at it girl and keep helpin people like me(that may keep your mind off some of your stress) HAHA

Hi Denise...oh boy I have to tell myself to hang in there plenty of mornings when I find myself crying in front of the bathroom mirror trying to get ready for work. I think back of how my parents related to me....hmmm it makes me sad...especially when I see young parents in stores or restaurants with their children and how much respect they give their children. My parents never respected me as an individual..more like a material thing...and that is the problem. Folks from the old country or older days are more inclined to be this way. I think young parents today probably have Long Term Care, Life Insurance, Living Trusts done nowadays to make sure their kids don't have to suffer so badly.

Wow Pirate, that is unusual for you to have been an only child! Well you must have gotten your good heart from somewhere else because in the end sounds like your parents only had YOU! I dont think our parents trust us because they still trying to hold on to what indepence they can even though they know somewhere inside something is wrong. I got my mom to sign PA early too,( well manager at her bank did) and good thing I did because my sisters would have ripped her off for her money and not pay her bills, she is living with me now and I know she hates it, sisiters have not been here to see her and one of them has not even called and I can see the misery in my moms face, nothing I can do about it, those 2 siblings of mine will have to answer their own concience when the time comes, Im stressed but refuse to let them be one of the reasons. You hang in there Pirate, you one strong gal!!!

Isn't this a b!tch when parents do not have their affairs in order ahead of time with all of this already settled. Yeah my parents didn't do squat either. Thank god for my parents tax man cause he told my dad to get me on as Joint tenant on the house and POA. But they never did a living trust or will or anything. After my dad died my mom put me joint on every monetary thing there was so she was at least smart enough to do that. Last year I got the POH (power of health) form (she can't sign her name well either then but still got her to scribble it - glad I did because she probably can't scribble anything now). I read her all the statement and had her answer her answer and had a couple of folks witness it. Yeah my mom doesn't trust me either...will trust her lame sister or a stranger over me as well. My parents always treated me as a foe...don't know why...was only child...it was always them against me....nice relationship. Then when they get old they don't realize they made an enemy of you....geezus...but we still do right by them even though they were crappy to us.

Little more to my previous answer. If you do not find a cheap lawyer...you should have some sort of legal aid in your city or hers, wherever you would be filing. God Be With You.

Do you have brothers/sisters. If not, and you should be able to appoint yourself to a guardianship on her behalf. She is not aware from what I read that she would know or be able to confront you. Not that you are doing wrong. Just as a minor emanicpates him or herself, you get guardianship or poa as she sounds incapicitated, and would not be able to handle her future plans at this point. Also, and I am no attorney, if you have family attorney, he may be able to add a codicil or addenda to the will, overriding your mom as sole decision maker, if she is so. You are are not alone, other have had to do similar. Best Wishes.....

The concept of guardianship is new to me--I just learned something worthwhile to know!
As for POA, you mom needs to be fully mentally competent so that she knows what she is agreeing to. I got POA for my mom b/c I could see her going downhill quickly. The document that I used was an online form, which was pretty good but when I had an attorney look at it, he pointed out a weakness in the form. The General Power of Attorney stated that I had the right to handle mom's financial affairs and sell her house, but my attorney said that in order to sell her house without problems, I needed a POA specifically for Real Estate, which listed the plot of land, the specifics to her property, etc. He said that this document would be required at settlement of her house to insure that the buyers know that the house and property are owned by my mother and that I have the power to negotiate the sale.
The third POA, the medical power of attorney, is still not done b/c I have a brother and sister who will fight me on this one. (They already gave me a really hard time about getting the General POA, even though I have been paying mom's bills, etc for the last couple of years, with no offer of help from them!)
Good Luck!

We are in the same position. Have consulted 2 attorneys. They say we have to prove to the court that she is incompetant and this is takes many doctors reports basically saying she is not of mind to care for herself- it's a tough thing becuase she still has many of her faculties and is living in her home at the age of 90 with assistance from us and part time care. Good luck.

if money is a problem, you can call the Bar Association in your area and get a cheap consult...

I know its tough because you dont want to feel or dont want anyone else to feel you are taking advantage of your mom. Dont know how far gone she is, but if she has dementia you really should have started earlier trying to get poa, everyone was correct in saying get an elder attorney but if you are broke like me and cant even afford bus fare half the time (smile) find someone else she would listen to, ie; her doctor, a social worker, friend another relative(if they are even involved), you would be surprised who our parents will listen to other than the actual caregiver. My mom listened to the person at her bank who convinced her I was only there to help her, and trust me parents know when something is wrong they just try hard not to have to give up their independence. I got my forms from staples, went to a notary ho was really nice and talked to mom to make she understood what she was signing. She explained to her almost everything that was on the form. I did not have money to pay an attorney. Good luck to you, it would be a shame if you had to get an attorney or go to court for your own parent

Is your mother competent? If she is competent then she will have to agree to the POA. You can ease here reluctance by having the POA only come into effect if and when she becomes incapacitated or incompetent. You can petition the court for conservatorship. I would suggest getting expert legal advice. Get a consult with an attorney who specializes in legal care. As an aside, choose your words carefully. Your question says you NEED to get POA, the best way to say this is that your mother needs someone she can trust to handle her personal and financial affairs and as her daughter make your case as to why you are the best choice.. A POA is needed by someone who cannot handle their affairs and requires that whoever is granted POA to serve their best interest. Good Luck...it won't get easier...

Oh, if you say your mother is not going to agree to it, then forget the X and the two witnesses. They will witness that she does NOT want to agree to it. Probably having her declared demented by her doctor and going the conservatorship route is the way to go. Be aware that you might have to post a bond to act as her estate conservator. Here in CA the bond is a year's of the subject's earnings.

hmmm, has your mother been officially declared with dementia. Once that happened, my mother was not allowed to sign nuttin. it got into a real tangle when the county sued for conservatorship, my mother herself was not able to sign over POA for health from thieving sister to myself. If she had, then I would haver retained POA for health decisions, the county would have stepped in to protect the estate. Lots of court days, a real mess.

My mother initially refused to sign a POA, until I explained to her that if she did not - Medicaid would get all her money, and her apartment. She than realized it was better for me to have POA than for Medicaid to have her money.