I can’t deal with the hate and anger my mom is showing towards me. She is in rehab and is in denial that she can’t live alone. How do I handle this?

Roz, after church every Sunday, we have my mother-in-law (who comes with us) come back to our house for breakfast. I spend time with her, reading from our book and talking etc. She had had a nice time with us, but as I was pulling into the asst living place she lives in, out of the blue she says 'I hate this place!'. Now 6 months ago that would've thrown me for a loop, because we had spent much time in finding just the right place for her, but not anymore. I finally figured out what she is really saying. It's 'I hate living here because I want to go back in time and live at home with my husband and boys and be happy like I used to be'. Once I figured out what she was really mad at, it has become much easier to hear. You tell your mother that you would like nothing more than turn back the clock to when she was happy and healthy. But since you are not God, this is going to have to do. You are acknowledging her unhappiness without changing anything that you can't change. See if that helps, it has for me.

well the first thing you have to remember is that this is your mother. So this meaning you are still her child.Think about this wouldn't you be afraid .if you were in her place the only peoplethat we take anger out on is the people we love. have you ever noticed that when we take care of the people we love they want listen they listen to friends are stranger first. they vent. to us .and they show us the one that care for anger, sadness,and when they cannot help themselves we are the people they take it out on . i sat ride the strom ,and remember the we only show anger when we are afraid, give her no fighting words remember you can not fight alone. lot oh hugs

Pandoralou, reading your post actually made me chuckle, and it helped me to remember that humor is a big help on this caregiving journey. If there is anyone who sympathizes that we can talk to, sometimes we can laugh about things. By the way, I know what you mean about the UTI's.

There is no easy answer to this one! People of that age do not like being told that they cannot be independent any longer and if they are like my mom, fight it every inch of the way. We told my mother we were moving her to a new home (in assisted living). but her dementia was so bad, she forgot each time from one day to the next. We ended up moving her and then just delivering her to her new home. She hated it. She did not want to stay there. Gradually, she has acclimated and has some friends there now and is doing better. It gave my sisters and I gray hair! One thing I found out is that if a person with Alzheimers gets a UTI, it makes them very aggressive and hard to handle. My mom called my sister a bitch and told her to get the hell out of her house when she had one! Very tough to take. You must realize that it is really not your mom talking now, it is her frustration and maybe her disease. It is a very scary thing to have to lean on someone else after a lifetime. I wish you the best of luck!

My husband and I encountered the same resistance from my mother-in-law. It was the professionals, Doctors, therapists, social workers etc, who told her she could not live alone. This helped us a great deal as the anger was more directed toward them than us. She now lives with us and will never be on her own again. She finally accepted it, but it took almost a year of trying to prove she was independent (to no avail). The anger and sadness are still present at times. I would be the same way. But it is her safety we need to make a priority and we just keep telling her we are in charge now, not her. Humor helps deflect her anger!

I think the first is to tell her how sorry you are that she feels this way and you can help her find another home if she is not happy but you are doing the best you can to keep her safe and comfortable.
Apologies and acknowledgement of her feelings can go a long way

There should be a social worker at the rehab center, I would make an appointment with them to explain your situation. They should have lots of experience with this and be able to help with a solution. Best Wishes!

Roz - it would be very difficult to be so far away when dealing with that situation. Annie's advice was very good, I believe. It was no doubt difficult many times but she handled the situation with calmness and respect for her parents. Of course every situation is different in some respects. Something I have been advised when dealing with our situation here is that no one can make me feel guilty - hence angry and frustrated - except myself. When one is trying to do all that one can to help someone handle their own situation, that's all that can reasonably be expected. Perhaps it might be a good idea to set a time limit for your conversations with your mother, you don't have to state the time to her, but just to yourself, and before you call her outline the things that you will discuss with her. An agenda helps keep the conversation on track, and having a time limit in mind may help you stay calm and stick to the agenda without getting sucked into a blame game.

Thank you for the advice anne. I'm trying to be patient but today I just lost it. It also doesn't help that i'm 400 miles away and making decision. I know she is angry about the situation and not me personally but her angry words really hurt.

Rozs, I experienced the same thing with my mother ( who died a couple years ago). She would get angry at me just because I was trying to help her....but she interpreted it as interfering in her life. She sometimes would cast me as the villain. She prized her independence. After a while as she aged, nature started taking its course----she developed infirmities like COPD and started getting weaker and went on oxygen. Then she fell. But she was still in denial. She still insisted she and my father could make it on their own. You are not the only one in a situation like this.

You asked how to handle it. The way I handled it was I kept the conversation lines open with my parents, as far as how to proceed now that they were getting into their 80's and having trouble taking care of themselves and their house. I would carefully and sensitively discuss the delicate matters with them. I got help from whomever I could....my husband, my doctor, my parents' doctors, friends of my parents who could help talk to them and convince them of things they needed to do. I also prayed, and prayed very hard. God did help by orchestrating a series of events which convinced my parents that certain changes needed to be made, and then willingly decided to do so. Good luck to you in this.