Between my chronic anxiety and depression I maxed out as a care giver several weeks ago. My husband came home and I looked at him and said "I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I am breaking. I need help. Take me to the mental hospital." He was mad, boy was he mad, but he loved me enough to do it. I spent one week there regulating my meds, working on relaxation techniques and re-evaluating why I wanted to be around in the first place as I was surrounded by attempted suicide patients. For one week everyone had to pick up the tab that I was carrying all along and it scared me to death. I thought I had failed everyone and that my father would be so sick when I got home, but I came home to exactly what I left, a capable family and an able father struggling with dementia. I was more level headed but still clouded. External things haven't gotten easier, but internally I am handling things so much better. You have to do what is right for you. If you don't look out for yourself, who will? I wish you all the luck in the world, caring for the caregiver is nearly impossible and caregiving work is brutal and raw labor. Trust your instincts, you will get it figured out.
mrpjones, it is hard to tell from just the information in your profile, but I wonder if it is time for Father to be placed in a nursing home. I'll bet you could cope with far less stress if you could visit your parents as a daughter, where trained staff in shifts did the day-to-day caregiving.
Do you have a case worker? Are you in counselling? If so, use the case worker or the counselor or even the social worker in your Mother's NH to help you get a plan together and to get in touch with the resources you need.
What agency is supplying the caregiver for your father now? Is it through Social Services? Do get in touch with Social Services and explain the change in Father's situation -- that he can no longer count on your help, due to your own health issues.
There are things that can be done for Father. What if you, only child, were run over by a beer truck tomorrow morning? Or hospitalized in a psych ward? If you were not in the picture, Social Services would pick up the pieces and see to it that your father had adequate care. Make it clear that you CANNOT be in the picture to the extent that you are now. You are struggling to care of yourself with your own disabilities; you cannot be responsible for others as well, no matter how very much you love them.
It is possible that some of your father's dementia symptoms could be helped with medications. I don't think that is your responsibility at this point. Someone else needs to take charge.
Now I know what I should have done gotten on the phone and called social services and said do not tell me what I do not qualify for get me some damn help or I will go all the way up to the Govnour -no way I should have been treated that I was just a slave and should shut up-start with your social service office and office of the aging do not accept that you can not get help yell and ascreem until someone listens-it was 16 years I took care of him 7 of those working full time-if you have to put him in a nursing and declare spousal refusual-I was never told about that when I was a caregiver-of course you are drained and burnt out-you are human-tell them if you do not get help in 2 weeks you are leaving even if it is to a Holliday Inn for a few days.
what doe one do that they are the spouse and the caregiver 24/7 and there is no help uot there and become angry at themselves for acting drained and burnt out after doing this for 10 yrs now i`m totally mentally and physcially give out and very tired already take anti anxiety and depression meds imy husband is 20yrs my sr and blind and congestive heartfailure, we or i feel i just exist as we go nowhere please give advice ilove my husbamd dearly thank you
I have found out that most of the time no one seems to care about the caregiver if they are able to manage somehow that is all that anyone cares about. I took care of my husband years after I should have until I finally spoke up after getting counseling and announced I could no longer takes care of him at home -I had hinted about it for a long time but no one seems to get is I got a lot if I can help let me know-I asked one friend to just call me from time to time but that never happened as long as you are doing an ok job you will be allowed to continue-no one will rescue you until you say hey folks I am dieing here. Write on my wall anytime-been there-and I will give you support and as much help as I can
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Do you have a case worker? Are you in counselling? If so, use the case worker or the counselor or even the social worker in your Mother's NH to help you get a plan together and to get in touch with the resources you need.
What agency is supplying the caregiver for your father now? Is it through Social Services? Do get in touch with Social Services and explain the change in Father's situation -- that he can no longer count on your help, due to your own health issues.
There are things that can be done for Father. What if you, only child, were run over by a beer truck tomorrow morning? Or hospitalized in a psych ward? If you were not in the picture, Social Services would pick up the pieces and see to it that your father had adequate care. Make it clear that you CANNOT be in the picture to the extent that you are now. You are struggling to care of yourself with your own disabilities; you cannot be responsible for others as well, no matter how very much you love them.
It is possible that some of your father's dementia symptoms could be helped with medications. I don't think that is your responsibility at this point. Someone else needs to take charge.
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thank you