What do you do if the behavior issues aren't caused by dementia?

Boy, do I know what you mean. I have had to walk away from certain conversations about my mom.

She too would be better off in senior living, but refuses to go. She also refuses to spend the money on the up keep on her home. She also refuses to go to a doctor closer to home, so when it comes time for her doctor appointments (mandated ones, she hates going) she calls and begs one of us to take time off of work and drive her the 50 miles. I bow out. She knows not to call me. I let it go and don't butt in. My siblings can say no too. Then she would have to change doctors or spend a lot of money on cab fare.

Her front yard is so overgrown but she does not like the 2 quotes she has gotten on yard service. My brother came over to mow and weed, but she ended up talking him in to going out to eat with her. She had the money for that. So I wait and see if the city will fine her or her neighbors complain.

It is so hard to step back, but it has restored a measure of my sanity. I hope that helped.

People are jerks all their lives...we tend to assume on this forum that our parents WERE nice, now dementia has caused behavior problems. The prisons are full of young people, middle age people...old folks. These personalities get old too. Sounds like you have your hands fulll over there, and have had problems for years. I pray peace comes to your household one way or another.

OGT,

I hear ya. I'm in a similar situation with my mom - who is paranoid, agressive, violent, and very inventive in her fabrications. She's told doctors that I'm the reason she's severely depressed, because I have subjected her to "extreme verbal abuse" ... this supposedly happened when she refused to talk to me for over 11 months. I had absolutely no contact with her - but of course, the doctors think she's totally rational.

Since the problems with my mom have escalated in the past six months, I have had to remove myself from her life permanently - my sanity and health were at stake. However, it took me a good part of that time to realize that - I didn't want to give up.

You can contact Adult Protective Services and request a form online that you can fill out stating that you think the person is unable to care for themselves, or is harming themselves. I have found that this tends to back fire - as Adult Protective Services is overwhelmed with cases, and they really want someone to blame. Those who need treatment are very capable of pointing the finger at you!

You can contact the local police/sherrif office and see if you can request a 51/50 (72 hr psychological evaluation) the next time they are "called out." But if the problem isn't dementia - what is?

It's not a perfect solution, but whatever you do, remember that you are not responsible for their problems - I'm considering just sticking my fingers in my ears and singing, "LA LA LA ...." it just might work. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but at least I feel your pain, and can offer a commiserative hug. Good luck!
-FyreFly

Hi FyreFly,
If you read up on my past posts you will realize I am NOT trying to take control of my parents lives. They are trying to take control over my (and my siblings lives). There is no way anything I say or do would influence them in any way, never in a million years. They have been dysfunctional FOREVER. Now the law and social services are involved, though it is a first offense for my Dad so he should get off with a fine. All we can do is watch as the atom bomb gets ready to explode!!! Sounds like I am callous but let me tell you I, as well as my sibs, am falling apart watching this wreck. I hate to see my brother and sisters suffer this way. You think once you grow up and get out of the house your parents fights will not harm you but let me tell you their dysfunction is killing us! No way out, just waiting for the bomb to drop.........

You may feel what is happening to your parents is something you need to resolve, but look at it from their point of view. If this were you, would you want someone to be able to come in and make decisions about your LIFE that you didn't want? It's possible that they only knows the horror stories of nursing homes, and have never seen what assisted living is like. There are possibilities, but unless they are willing ... OR ... and this is the turning point for most of us ... OR she (your mom) reaches a crisis event where someone else can intervene, you simply don't have the right to make that decision. If they have the money, perhaps hiring a "housekeeper" or a "companion" would be a better fit for the time being? There are lots of people who will come in on a weekly basis to visit, take them to medical appointments, go grocery shopping for them, or even help to pay bills. This is a great way to allow them to remain independent once they realize that they need "some" help. I would be very angry if someone took away all of my independence - so I can understand the frustration and resistance.

We see the deterioration and the behavioral changes from the outside - we want to fix it and keep them safe. I know many people have been able to step in with only minimal resistance, but if your mom is anything like mine ... well, good luck to you, ogt! You can always come here to vent ...
~FyreFly

They expect you to meet all their needs for free?
Will you allow yourself to be taken advantage of?
The rest of your question/post isn't there so we don't know the whole story.....