It’s time for our mom to move in one of our homes. How disruptive would it be if she lived with one of us for 3 weeks and the other for 1 week a month?

How would you and your sibling feel if YOU had to live with mom on that same basis? If that would work for you then it might work out for your mom. Otherwise, I would look for a solution that lets your mom stay put for at least a year at a time and much longer if possible. For example, suppose the one week/month sibling contributes toward a professional home-care provider/companion who could stay with mom for one week a month to give you a break...It is much easier for mom to stay put and adjust to changing caregivers than it would be to move twice a month.

I completele understand and everyone does need a break, its ideal in the healthy world and if it works, great. But, even if my Mom goes OUT for a day with someone different, she is a bear to live with for days. Routine is so important at some stages of dementia/alz, depends on her really. Best of luck to you.

My 90 year old mother in law lives with her 3 daughters.
Two daughters live in NJ and the other daughter lives NC?
Everyone takes a turn usually 2-6 months depending on weather, family vacation plans, and "tolerance levels".
So your question...It is disruptive to move? Weekly yes, monthly probably not, yearly definitely not..my god everyone needs a break!
So moving less frequently is better. But everyone needs a break.

I think you really need to ask her doctor about this.

I also say its a big NO. My doctor told us that ONE FACE-ONE PLACE is best, moving around will confuse them terribly. How does your Mom feel about it because mine didnt even want to leave her own house, but finally had to. She in no way wanted to go from house to house and told us so. Your Mom might be okay now but it will certainly not last. If not a good idea, I wouldnt ever do it either, routine is very important because it makes a confused person feel safer. Anything you read will tell you the same I am sure because I researched it before I asked the hospital and doctor and they all told me the same, one face/one place is best.

Having personal experience with this when I was younger and my Great-grandmother did this for the last three years of her life. It was incredibly difficult on all those involved and she never felt quite wanted anywhere really. How about if she lived in one home and all the others contributed dollars towards non-medical home care hours to be used by the full time family as they see fit?

I think how she handles it will be influenced by how it's presented to her. If she sees her home as being with your brother and she gets to go visit you for a week each month, she will probably look forward to it as a little trip or vacation. Since she is probably forgetful, call several days before you are coming to get her to remind her that you want her to come for a visit and how much you are looking forward to seeing her. It stead of the change confusing her it may provide extra stimuli. Wish you the best!

Well I won't lie, there are times I wish my Mom was in a nursing home, just to get my life back, but then she will tell me "thank you" she is my mother and I will keep her with me as long as possible. It's not always possible to keep them home, but if you can I would. Has taught me alot about patience, love and how to enjoy the little moments. Has also beed good for my sons, a little bit of reality in their video game world. Good luck

Keep her with family. I am sure that there are a few nursing homes that are good but family especially a loving caring family like yours is the best medicine for her. She will learn the routine and be exicited for each change. Giver her this time with you.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I'm saddened to hear how many families have siblings who aren't helping. My brother, sister and mother live 100 miles away in the same town. I go down every other weekend to help. She has care-givers coming in during the day but we need coverage when she sleeps. The options are 3 weeks/month with bro and 1 week/month me or a nursing home. I keep thinking the love but confusion she'll experience with her family is better than the stability she'll have in a nursing home but I'm not sure.

Do you live close to each other? It is hard to make the decision and then how to handle it. I am the youngest of three and I never married so it seemed to me to be the best way to go. My siblings do not live in the same town as we do and so my mom only sees them when they have time for us. Your way may just work because she will know that she is loved.

When my grandmother died, my grandfather was 79, and the four children decided to let him live three months with each of the four children. My mother, the only girl, lived in the same town as my grandfather and he really wanted to stay with her. But, my step-dad said no. So, for the rest of his life, 10 more years, he stayed three months with each of his kids. But he didn't have alzheimer's or dementia and it was still difficult for him to have to pack up and move so often. But, that's how they did it and it did work out pretty well for the children. Granddaddy was very amiable and layed back and did what everyone told him to do. Everyone said how easy he was to deal with. Oh, and when granddaddy stayed with my mother, he could go back to his old homeplace anytime and stay the day and tinker around and that made him so happy. But, at night, he'd want to come back to mother's to spend the night. But with someone with alzheimer's or dementia, it will be a challenge for them to move around and difficult on the children, too. Change is so hard on them and that in turn will make it more difficult for the children.

Whatever you decide, it isn't going to be easy at all. But, please call on your siblings or hire a sitter so you and your spouse can get away sometimes. I'm always amazed at how often I'm hearing that siblings don't want to help out. I have one that doesn't help us, either. So, get that help. Your life will depend on it.

God bless you in your decisions.

It would be a pleasant break for both of you, I can't get my siblings to take my Mama even for one night!
I'm sure your Mom would enjoy a change of atmosphere and trust me you will need the time to yourself.

LG:

Crowe made a great point. Lisa, imagine someone ping-ponging you from one home to another. Eventually you'd flip your lid, wouldn't you?

The Mayo Clinic recently published an article online titled "Alzheimer's: Smoothing the Transition on Moving Day." Read it for pointers. In this forum, moderators will modify any post considered advertising, so I won't give you the website. But you can look it up on Google or any other search engine. In fact, you'll get links to very useful information. As you embark on a long and stressful "career" as a caregiver, the most useful tool at your fingertips is the Internet. Make a habit of it, and while you're at it, take a little time to hobnob with us. We are also your family. Wish you the best.

-- ED

Hi---Since there is a dementia involved, I have been told that change is NOT a good thing, and would most likely be confusing to you Mom---Having said this, As Crowemagnum also alluetd to..I would not do this. Stability- routine-is very important. For further info, contact your nearest chapter of the Alzheimer's Association---or call the helpline # (800)272-3900.
Best to you and your family,
Hap

Well I wish my sisters and brothers would be so kind. I can't get them to take mom for dinner most of the time. But I do have one sister who retired to Florida who takes Mom twice a year for a week. While I really need the break, just to relax and enjoy the freedom whenever my mother comes back it is like starting from scratch. It is true that dementia makes changes difficult, but maybe becase you are going to start it from the beginning it will work. I found the best thing is a strict schedule, it helps Mom remember what is expected when, and helps to keep her calm. Good luck its not easy, but can't imagine not doing it for her.:)

I think sharing the caregiving is so great it is too much for one person that is why I have gone out to stay with my Mom to give my sister a break even though Mom thinks she is independent and she is not nice to me at all. If this works it would be much better than a nursing home because many of them shift the staff every month or so anyway, if other families would do this it would help so much, let us know how things go and am very proud of your family.

People such as your mom with Alzheimer's / Dementia do not fare well with constant change of location and surroundings which I think might speed up her decline. We have not heard how declined she is so that's a hard one to really asses. What do her doctors say? How come one of you is going to keep her only one week and the other three? That does not sound fair and balanced. What does she have to have to come home to be cared for. So many live with that assumption which is repeated here so often with unbelievable collateral damage and fallout. Like I read of someone today having to leave their husband and MIL in order to protect themselves and their children from their MIL's abuse that her husband would not stand up to and resolve for everyone's benefit and care.

it could be the best thing you could do for the caregivers, i wish i had someone to take my grandmother for one week a month, at this point i feel it would give me some freedom, and space for myself. if you start off like that she would get use to it, because she know no other way. being a caregiver for the last 5years. i think i would be a good thing. the best thing for the both of you.
What's a girl too do?