As Power of Attorney for our mother, should I feel obligated to discuss plans for her care with my siblings who don't help?

Kara you seem to have a heart of gold and steel. Apparently your Mom knew this that's why your POA and your siblings know this that's why they treat you the way they do. I suggest the next time they make you livid.... you say you want the job be my guest or shut it!

Thank you wuvsicecream! Actually I have come to feel that there are more families that have problems while caring for parents rather than get along well during this time. Old sibling rivalries and jealousies rear their ugly heads. And there are days when paybacks come along. Mom had a stroke and following it, Kara was one of the few words she said for months. Boy did that make waves! I just smiled to myself thinking "Thanks Mom!" I imagine if the others were around more she'd have come up with their names sooner too. I had to go out of town and I understand she sat and cried a lot at the nursing home. My sister visited and upset called me to say all Mom did was cry for Kara during her visit. You reap what you sow! Mom depends on me and I have become her "Mom" - her security, I am the one caring for her needs. I didn't envision this, it's been difficult on me and my family to adjust our lives around her needs but we have done it out of love.
Anyway, you are right there is Karma - and I always say that what goes around comes around, we are showing our children that caring for parents is something you just do, my siblings are modeling turning their backs. What will happen to them after their children learn the lesson they are teaching? I never want to be a burden on my kids, but who else do you have when you are blessed with long life and need a hand?

One thing I hear that I guess is meant as a compliment that just irks me is that several sibs have mentioned, "Good thing we have Kara!" You know often at a time of crisis. I say, "you don't have Kara, Mom has Kara, and why doesn't Mom have you???" Oh yes, they all seem to have so many more things to juggle than I, and one sister just actually says, "we just don't have the type of lifestyle that allows us to help out with Mom!" They have a social life that can't be compromised. So anyway, I do what I do because I want to anyway, and I am happy to spend time with my Mom. She is so sweet and I think the thing that irks me the most is seeing her being hurt by the absence of the others in her life. The funny thing is that she did model this behavior to us. She was the "nurse" of the family, caring for her own parents and sibs in their hour of need. So go figure! Anyway, I know there are others out there with stories similar to mine, and that makes it easier, not feeling so alone. Hugs to all the "Karas" out there.

kara24 your original question strikes a very damaged nerve that makes me stronger every day or everytime I have to discuss any issues with family. I am finding out that focusing on my Mom was mistaken for some alternate route for my own personal gain. Some people mistrust good deeds!!! When you have a pure heart it's hard to understand why other's do not understand "a pure heart" way of thinking, and it's quite irritating and energy sucking, when your on the good side. I'd love to vent my story in detail it's a really unbelievable one but I'd need to write a book. Bottom line is I know what I did to help Mom and I know she's well and safe. I I live in peace knowing that. Karma has a way of pay-back for good and evil doings. I informed as needed and did what I had to, but, I learned not to get upset if others where not happy with the outcome.
P.S. My sister got upset because my Mom's bra wasn't tightened enough. I was just glad she was clean and dressed and smiling and I was on time for work, because Mom didn't run away from me for a change that day. As sis showed up 2 hours late then complaining because she had to keep Mom company for a few hours while I worked. Take her to lunch and a movie Gee that's tuff when I had her every hour of every day when I wasn't working and 10 hours while I was working. Yet!!!! my sister gave ME the attitude and had the nerve to ask me why I was angry.... when she complained about Mom's bra???? Now she's lying about when she visits Mom at the NH.

I'm sorry you have had such lack of support. You reap what you sow, so you are sowing to someone being merciful and loving to you when you are old, and I sincerely hope that happens to you, as well as some support coming to you now.

I'm sorry if my email sounded harsh, but I am dealing with such greed and hypocrisy and evil right now. I just wanted to bring it up because I think a mom with millions of dollars vs. One on Medicare are two totally separate issues, yet MY sisters act as though they are playing the role of someone like you---true sacrifice and love--- when really it is nothing like what people like you go through. Nonetheless, they would have still written something like what you did, so I was just wondering.

God bless you and your mother! I wouldn't bother burdening yourself sharing info with your siblings unless they specifically ask for it.

Jujubee: Heavens no! My Mother has no money! She's on Medicaid and I am paying for anything she needs that isn't covered in any other way. While my finances are limited, I am always there to provide or figure out a way for my Mom to get what she needs. There is no one being a martyr here, I am happy to care for my Mother and love every day I have with her. I am just out of energy doing it all and making calls, emailing, texting, etc trying to keep people who otherwise don't call or visit informed. Since the original post, I only update the others on a major issue or change in her health and leave it at that. I am only one person, and if they want to be involved they need to make their own effort.

There is one issue that affects this question and answer: does your mom have a lot of money?

I have sisters who could have written this question, and wear the martyr badge of "the others don't help, aren't involved,'" etc.

What has really happened is that a few sisters took control of my mother's estate, turned my mother against others in an effort to maintain their control, alienated everyone else through betrayel and emotional trauma, and then have the audacity to say, "my siblings criticize but don't get involved in helping," all while they still hold tightly to having full control over my mother's mind, and, of course, her money.

Quite a deal: they get to be the "good guys" AND have all the control.

I say HECK NO!!!! Especially if they are not helping to care for her willingly! They probably want to know what's going on to see if they're able to get something out of it - when it's all said and done! Sounds cruel, but if they are not concerned enough to help care for your mom then they shouldn't be concerned about knowing her business! That's just my 2 cents! Good luck and keep doing what you're doing! Pay absolutely NO attention to the distractions. S/N - 'family meetings' are useless in some families. I know it is in mine.

I want all of you to know that I went through this POA situation with my family when my mother died and it wasn't pleasant since I was the caretaker and not the POA.

Now, I am the caretaker of my widowed 92 year old father. I am still not the POA, but I live here and have lived near my parents for 30 while my siblings have lived in distant states, so I am the CARETAKER.

I am the caretaker because, no matter what, they took care of me and now I feel that I needed and need to take care of them. I still truly value my dad's opinion and advice and would miss her him everyday as I miss my mom everyday. She was my best friend.

The money thing sure got in the way with one of my siblings when my mom was sick and then, worse, when she died. I didn't want any of you to have to go through that scenario.

Good Luck to all of you with your own particuliar situations.

I am in a very similar situation where siblings do not help in any way shape or form, call mom MAYBE twice a year for a few minutes, and then harrass and literally verbally abuse me for my efforts as sole caregiver and POA. I am going to take a chance and simply cut them out of MY life, I will not make reports on mom and will not concern myself with thier occasional false concern for her. If they feel need to know something, they should call her more (or maybe VISIT?!? It's been twenty years since they have seen her or me) or stop being abusive to the one person (Me) who can satisfy thier curiousity. My life as sole caregiver is stressful and difficult enough without thier misguided nonsense, and hateful animosity.

I tried keeping everyone in the loop early on but soon grew tired of doing everything by myself AND answering and listening to disparaging remarks. I invited a few key family members to "visit" on that visit I ran them every where I went, had them on the phone, internet researching etc. When they left, they left me alone! Now they don't ask and I don't tell, it's all left up to me anyway so I don't feel obligated to tell more than the baiscs.

JKS: I'm sure you know what is going on will create a malestorm of emotions (for all of us). And I am sure that we all have very strong emotions concerning this subject, due to our own personal situations and in reaction to others that are in the middle of a situation.

I for one appreciate ALL the input here (some of it offends me too) but I know that when you are dealing with aging care for anyone, there is going to be all kinds of situations, personalities and input from a variety of people.

Don't leave the group. Your input is valuable, and informative and actually you are quite right about having to give an 'account' for all that was (or wasn't) done!

I suggested a website, you suggested another solution, and yet another suggested 'accountability on a .....basis' As you can see the solutions are as varied as our situations!

Everyone here (I believe) is truly trying to help. Let's continue to do so, or "I" too should leave the group, since my mother passed and I no longer have to 'deal' with any aging issues but my own! :)

God bless us all that have weathered a storm, I trust it will make us wiser for the next one (oh and there will be one) and more tolerant of the issues we will face.

LIlliput, you are so right on! This is why I hope people have a caregivers contract in place for themselves. Otherwise, all will reep the benefits of any estate, small or large equally with you when you deserve more. You are not taking your Moms money if you create one, you are earning it and taking your siblings money, look at it that way if you have to. You will end up spending thousands in lawyer fees and courts if you want your fair share in the end. Took me a long time, a year, to realize these truths. Oh yes, I believe they will all be there with their hands out in the end, but NOT when its hard work.

I am sorry I offended anyone with suggesting that money was your prime interest in caring for your loved ones.

It has been my experience, as stated in my earlier post (if you read it... and please do) that your siblings do come back later and do an accounting of what you spent on your parents while caring for them and meantime, criticize what you should be doing for them now.

It sounds like you are totally worn out and angry. I know the feeling and it hurts.

Again, sorry, that I offended anyone and I will quit posting on this site. I lost my mother to cancer 6 years ago this past September.

When I was growing up, my neighbor was the one who cared for her Mom in her home. She worked full time, raised two children, and cared for a disabled husband as well. She practically twisted the arms of her 6 siblings to come and see their Mom but they rarely showed up. She made frequent calls to them but they had no interest.
When all was said and done and her mother passed the sibs immediately swooped down and demanded an accounting and their "fair share" of the estate.
I say no matter how hard you try as the primary caregiver, you can lead the horsespatoots to water, but you cannot make them drink. By not being involved with your Mom, they are showing their true colors.
Let them know that you are available to share with them your Mom's progress (however, end the conversation when the criticism starts) and gently suggest that it would be nice if they were more involved. But by no means would I take time to call all of them, create a website, email them, or all the other things that take up your precious time.
It is okay to mourn the loss of sibling relationships...perhaps they were not that strong to begin with.
We as careGIVERS should not be giving our time to self-centered family members. Frankly, I do not have the energy.
good luck and please take care of yourself

KA2: Do you best to keep them informed, but do NOT make it your main concern. Please consider setting up a 'website' like I did on LotsaHelpingHands . com I was my mothers main caregiver until the last few months of her life, but when it came time for her to be in a nursing home (rehab) it was 90 miles from me. I didn't have POA but I STILL went down there and stayed for four days a time to see that she was getting the care, therapy and attention she deserved.

I didn't have POA for my mother OR medical POA but I was still expected to do what you are doing, without ANY of the authority to do so.

Having POA doesn't mean you are responsible to anyone else, except the welfare of person. But keeping others infored in a method you find appropriate is what you should do.

If you have POA why not move her closer to you? have you considered this? Would this help your situation? I know what a hassle it is doing ANYTHING long distance. And I know what it is like to have anything and everything you do critiqued. I just stopped listening to the 'flack' and did what I felt was best. When my mother passed away, I knew I did all I could. If you can feel that way yourself, all will not be in vain. God bless.

Addressing JKS: How dare you! YOU are the one mentioning MONEY! I never once mentioned money in my inquiry. That must be what is on YOUR MIND not mine! Is that what POA translates to you?? My mother hasn't got money, and yet there will be something she will leave us, BILLS! That's right, and I will HAPPILY pay every single one and do it with a smile on my face!!! My inquiry was when I am exhausted caring for my mother and have no time or energy for my own husband and child, let alone think of myself, must I continue to put energy into keeping siblings, who are "Do Nothings!" and find it some sort of sport to make waves, in the loop. I live the farthest away and do the most. I am on my own on so much, and get no support when I am in a bind. My god! This is our mother! So my question is, when I agreed to be POA, who am I obligated to? Am I to feel obligated to siblings who otherwise don't care to keep themselves in the loop and who offer nothing supportive or constructive to me or our mother? I am drained! Am I expected to care for her and them too? Those who have offered their opinions and advice come from a lot of situations they are offering their advice based on their experience and warning of issues which may or may not develop! Not all apply to my situation, but all are helpful and thought provoking and I am thankful that so many have felt drawn to comment on my inquiry!

We all care about the welfare of our parents or we wouldnt be here! But, its also about the welfare of us, as caretakers, isnt this what this site is for???? Who's talking about money, we are talking about communication and venting to eachother for support and ideas, I keep my laptop on and can come back and forth to it as I caretake, its not hindering my parents care, but is sure is helping me. You dont have to read these if you dont want to, just ignore us ,because the ones who want to be here, are here for eachother.

You know... 29 people have answered this question for seven days. Maybe it's time for all of us to quit thinking about money and start thinking about the welfare of our parents.

It might be helpful to keep a diary on the care and expenses you provide for your parent so that you won't have just your memory to rely on, I know this is hard, we just put my mom into assisting living and it's only been a week and at three times she's wanted last rights, I had a priest come and visit her Saturday and she was pleased as punch last night when I got home the home had called saying she's asking to go to the ER, when I called back she was sleeping in the chair. It's very overwhelmingly, take care of your own health as well. I took the added expense into stride and signed up for a five week massage therapy, my whole body is weary, I think I'm seeing more doctors than she is. lol. good luck. Margaret

The POA gives the holder certain rights and there is no requirement to communicate. All families are different with unique dynamics both positive and negative. It is still a good thing to periodically communicate. Not a big deal and not much effort is required. As the caregiver, communication is a part of normal care. You would likely want to be informed if you did not have the responsibility. As far as criticism is concerned, take it in stride and in context. Who knows, perhaps you might to be able to translate the criticism constructively into something good for the family unit. The key is for you to do the right thing for the person who is receiving the care. Arguably, I bet that person, really would be appreciative of better communication within the family that was constructed by the person receiving the good care that you are giving. I understand your frustration but "some" communication delivered positively and with a good heart just might result in improved sibling relationships and respect. You were selected as POA for a reason..... .

I used Losta Helping Hands to setup a website (secure and private) for Mother's 'goings-on' and then if anyone had a 'comment' they could add it to the website. They could also post pictures,comments, concerns, and even volunteer to signup for something that needed being done!!

Setting up a 'community' online with limited access (for family and friends) helped me a great deal. It was more difficult for family to shrug 'doing something' when they see how much everyone else is doing.

Take a look at this free resource! It really helped me. (p.s. I don't get any money for suggesting this site, just the satisfaction of helping another family in need). God Bless

True, but its the siblings NOT helping or visiting that;s emotional abuse , not the caregiver, so if THEY dont come over to take her out or help, you tell them NOTHING. The person doing the caring is earning their pride and no one can say we emotional abused them.
Only a person who doesnt help out would accuse you of something, its always the way, believe me. You need to talk to your lawyer on this, or your accountant, they WILL tell you that the courts side with the caretakers every time. (unless of course you were using parents money for yourself without a caregivers contract)

You may be in charge but it is best to keep your family involved and informed to a degree. There are issues involved in elder care that can in some cases involve elder abuse. Elder abuse can be financial, psychological, etc., and, the POA has at times been the perpetrator. Maintain open communications, not perceived secrecy. Keep it simple.

Sounds like my situation. If you want to a email after a decision is made, you need to take care of yourself so you can handle such a large situation. You do what's best for mom's health and well being and the hell with the rest. After all you're the one in charge.

I have 5 sisters 2 brothers . I was chosen to have power of attorny over mom. In the last year she has come to live with me not one of them have called. Never fell guilty for being given the power to care for her. She choose you because she trusted you and only you to do what was right. Trust your feelings and don't trust their opinions.

ka24, I don't know if 'legally' you have to inform them, but in order to keep the peace you probably should. BUT I would just send out a form letter once a month, telling them what decisions you had to make, and how much money it cost. Be sure and keep a copy for yourself.

I used Losta Helping Hands to setup a website (secure and private) for Mother's 'goings-on' and then if anyone had a 'comment' they could add it to the website. They could also post pictures,comments, concerns, and even volunteer to signup for something that needed being done!!

Setting up a 'community' online with limited access (for family and friends) helped me a great deal. It was more difficult for family to shrug 'doing something' when they see how much everyone else is doing.

Take a look at this free resource! It really helped me. (p.s. I don't get any money for suggesting this site, just the satisfaction of helping another family in need). God Bless

If your siblings truly behave poorly, I would still recommend doing something simple to keep them informed. Send an email periodically and keep a copy to illustrate that you seek to do the right thing. Respond to constructive and sincere sibling comments and ignore the rest.

Find a very easy way -- email, preferably -- to give a brief REPORT of the actions you've taken. Here's why: I've seen it happen in too many families that the non-PoA's accuse the PoA of overspending or other such misbehaviors. It's awful: the non-PoA's don't help and leave the PoA doing everything; then the PoA does everything and the non-PoA's don't even know what that means; then out of their ignorance they make an accusation that adds both insult and injury. "Who cares" is naive -- accusations can turn into costly, toxic lawsuits. Dividing the estate becomes a cesspool of bitterness that affects the family for the rest of their lives, so that the PoA gets no relief even when the elder has finally passed. A brief report is a way to prevent the sheer ignorance that triggers these horrors later. It creates a trail of information. It is very powerful against people making stuff up. It reminds people just how much there is to do and how many big and little expenses there are, and so on. It can help and it can't hurt. Notice that it is a REPORT. It's not a dialogue unless the response the others offer is helpful.

You are welcome MsTexas!

Let's ask "management" for a chatroom. Its easy enough to do, and then we would all have a place to gather and discuss the remains of the day.