How can I make the transition into an assisted living facility easier for my Mom?

jclint, glad to see you made your question as a new question https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Moving-my-parent-from-my-home-to-assisted-living-memory-care-204724.htm

My mom has lived with me for over a year now, she moved from another state to live with me due to Dementia. The disease has progressed over the last couple of months and it has caused my husband and I to consider Assisted Living - Memory Care. I am a little hesitate to bring up the conversation with her as I know she does not want to move from our home, but the time has come for her to get the professional help she needs with Dementia. I am, also, just mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted now and feel I have taken her as far as I can. I hope I am not being selfish but I really would like to have my life back. I'm not sure how to let her know that moving to an assisted living memory care community is the next step, or how to handle it if she refuses?

Karen4mom, the pictures do make a big difference as far as helping your mother to feel more comfortable in her new home----just try to fit them in as best you can while allowing for the other lady to put up her pictures too. To help your mother adjust socially to her new environment, you can accompany her to a few meals and her break the ice with other residents. A lot of these places will make an effort to seat residents with one another to help them get acquainted. It also helps for you to keep an upbeat attitude about the move. If you keep seeing things in a positive light, your mother will pick up on it and hopefully adopt a similar frame of mind.

My mother isn't there yet, but is going this Tuesday. I am worried that she won't try and make any friends and just sit in her room and pity herself. She wants to bring all the pictures on her walls and tables but just dosen't have room. I am trying to figure out something that will work for her. I am hoping she can have her own bedspread. She is sharing a room with another lady, whom I hope will be compatable with her. Mom is very nervous about this and the sharing the bathroom part. She had had bowel cancer and has a short colen so has to go often. She can't wait if her roommate is long in the bathroom. I have read the previous posts and see a lot of great ideas though for helping her feel more comfortable.

I agree, what's with that? I've never heard of a family member being 'banned' at all. I can understand if they were to tell you to maybe keep it down to a dull roar, but being banned? I don't think so. And I also agree with anne, time to back off now and let your mother make her own friends. You've really done all you can, it's up to her. My mother-in-law lives in asst living with not many people, but she, like your mother was really a loner. She does talk, but only when she's talked to for the most part. With her it's family only, and always has been even when she worked in an office for 30+ years, she never really made any friends to speak of. That's her choice. Not what I would choose for myself, but for her it works.

Keithsmom, you've certainly done a lot to try and help your mother to be happy in her new home. And as my parents always said to me as I was growing up: "You can only do so much...." You said you visited your mother every day this week.... That was good for helping her start out , but now I think I would cut back on the number of visits actually---to help her to gain her own strength to manage on her own. Every case is individual, but perhaps a call every day, and a personal visit about twice a week might work out better for both of you. It's about striking a balance between showing your mother your love and care, and yet allowing her to manage as independently as she can at this point, all the while preserving your own physical and mental health. Great idea about arranging for her to get Communion on a regular basis.

By the way, I don't understand why they would "ban" you from the dining room due to one incident where one of the residents over-reacted to something you said. That doesn't sound very understanding or compassionate to me. Why don't you talk to the administrator and tell him what happened and ask if you can please be allowed to join your mother for a meal occasionally. Good luck---you're doing a great job setting your mother up there.

I've done these, she's 90 years old and I think prying for attention. I've been there every day this week and my schedule won't allow me to go as often next week. I made arrangements for her to get Communion on a regular basis so that ought to help. I got banned from the dinning room for being too loud or inquistive I'm not sure which I was asking questions to one of the men there and he got annoyed. I wanted Mom to know about the people she sits with. I know if the yankees were playing she'd be socially some but she's a stay in the room person. I bought her a red walker with a seat which ought to help with her long walk to the dinning room. I keep telling her that she's allowed to ask for anything 24 hours a day. It's a quaint place with only 22 people there. I just don't know how else to make her happy.

I would also add, that you can help her break the ice by playing bingo with the other residents along with your mom, having lunch at her table and visiting with her table mates till she gets comfortable on her own, whatever activities they have for her, join in for a few times.

I would be sure to take her a visit(s) to the assisted care facility before she moves in. Also take her to lunch or dinner there. When helping her to move in. be sure to set up her room/apartment there with plenty of cozy reminders of her former home. And once she's moved in, visit and call when you can and pay loving attention to her. It also helps to let her know that you feel like an "extended" part of the community there too.