I am depressed and emotionally disturbed at having to oversee and take care of my 86-year-old husband and I am only 60. How do I overcome?

Thank you, lcs. Thank you very much for your kind thoughts.
I can't seem to shake the devastation that is mine now to bear. To say that I miss my husband is an understatement. I think about him everyday and remember that awful last day. I walk the floor at night and wonder when will it be my turn ? I hope that it won't be too long.

When your husband died, he'd had nine years of living that you hadn't yet had, N1K2R3. I imagine your husband would want you to make the most of those years. It is my hope that you can. I am sorry that you are finding it quite hard to be the one left behind.

"Of course, I'll go before you do", said my husband.... 9 years my senior." "I was already in Third Grade and riding my bike when you were born", he said. We talked about this many times.
Now that he has gone, I must finish out those nine years, more or less, although I'd love to be with him, my turn has not yet come.. These should be the thoughts of those in a May-December marriage. We must all face reality. Sometimes I think that it is harder for the one left behind.

N1K2R3, I think you were just calling a spade a spade and didn't mean to be very cold. I imagine what you said is the first thought that came to many minds. This is why I asked how long the two had been married (remembering what one caregiver in our group went through when her elderly father married a gold digger) and said that when the two married, they both must have realized (with such an age difference between them) that the much younger wife would more than likely end up having to care for her much older husband. This just makes sense. I think this is what you were saying N1K2R3. The person who originally wrote in hasn't told us anything about her situation: how long she has been married to this older man; what illnesses her husband has; how well the husband is handling the illnesses etc. etc. I think good responses to her question have been written, especially since not much information was given concerning the circumstances.

N1k2r3 You know, that was my first thought. I mean when you marry someone so much older it's gotta be a factor. But then I was thinking, how many of us think things like Alzheimers will happen to our spouses, even when they're closer in age to ourselves? The fact is, most old people don't have that problem at all, BUT everyone will have physical problems sooner or later as we age. I'm 58 now and my husband and I are in good health. But what about 10 years from now? What if either of us get this terrible disease? Those things you do NOT think of when you marry someone. Maybe it should have been a little further into Bkay's thinking then mine, but still probably not at the forefront. Having said that, now that I've spent some time on this website and read of the heartbreak that comes with Alzheimers, AND I was thinking about marrying a man 25 years older than myself, can't say as I'd take the chance. Not now.

n1k2r3 that was a very cold and unneccessary comment. This is a support site and not one where you should be putting people down at such a difficult time of their lives. you should apologize.

You knew this when you married the guy.

My first question would be - how long have you two been married? I presume when you married a man old enough to be your father that you both foresaw that in time probably you would be looking after him in his old age. Right now you are in the same position as daughters who are looking after their sick fathers. So I would suggest that you do as all the other caregivers in this same position are trying to do and has been suggested by others previously answering your question. Do what you can to look after your husband, get help from outside for the rest of the care, and do things to look after yourself. Being a caregiver is exhausting work and from what I have read, many (most?) end up feeling as you do. A thought that has just popped into my head -" Are you worried about your future when your husband is gone?"

Wow, a 26 year age difference is quite a spread of time and energy. His health just may have reached the point where he is beyond your taking care of him at home even with help coming in the home. Has his doctor evaluated him lately? There is a 35 year old wife with a 60 year old husband who started a thread here about how tough it is with him basically gone taking care of his 80 year old widowed mom who live an hour away and whose state of mind is not all that good. Yes, you must take care of you or there will not be any you left.

Living with guilt and dispair as you watch an elderly loved one fall apart and as you watch the real them disappear to be replaced with a lost mind in a very alive body is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. End of life decisions are heartbreaking to make and to hear the doctors and nurses make comments about how it doesn't matter because their quality of life is so poor. Who are these people in the medical field who can make such callous statements and treat our loved ones like a science project. I literally had one home tell me I had two choices a feeding tube or hospice because they don' thave the time to feed a loved one with advanced alzheimers or that they might choke. I'm 55 and I might choke too, is that any reason to withhold food. How do people deal with the depression and mental anguish the caregivers and loved ones face. Our society has turned their heads away from the elderly and our legal system has created a tool whereby they can have their lives and assets stolen from them in broad daylight. Please call your legislators and insist that we have laws that protect and help the elderly and their families.

a suggestion, do the hands on care yourself, bathing, meds., any treatments , , you will be satisfied thats its done correct. then hire sitters and go out and do what you want.or ask any violenteers to sit, and go for a walk, get hair done, take a bubblebath, visit friends, just do something for yourself. firstgirl

sorry the helpline number is (800) 272-3900

GOOD LUCJ|K!

Hi--I would totally understand your emotionally disturbed feelings, and think they are rather normal. May I suggest you contact your nearest chapter of the Alzheimer's Association--for their unique support-and or call the helpline number at (800) 421-0008. A great website that deals in spousal care is 'the alzheime'es spouce'....Check it out. I am sure you do NOT want to go thru burnout--so check these suggestions for support..And finally this great forum as well.
Best to you on your caregivers journey~
Hap

Adult day care for a physically or mentally impaired individual can offer you some time for yourself. For an elderly person who is in tune with his surroundings and enjoys socializing, a senior activity center may provide stimulating activities ...
perhaps for both of you. Even leisurely time in the library can give you & him some quiet time. Your local hospital might offer caregiver seminars or support groups where you can meet people dealing with similar obligations.

Cultivate your own friendships and creative outlets. In some instances, your husband might accompany you even if he does not participate.

First thing that crossed my mind, whoa big age difference... Having said that, I think you need some outside activities of your own. There must be someone that you could ask/hire whatever, to come in and sit with him while you go out with your girlfriends and just hang out. I almost 60 and the thought of never having 'my own thing' to do outside of my husband, would drive me around the bend, and he's healthy! Everyone needs an outlet of some sort, find yours and please don't feel guilty. That's one emotion that many people lay on themselves for no reason.