I have been the sole caregiver for my Mom who has alzheimers and has had a stroke. She lives with me and I am her POA. I have a Sister that lives out of town that hasn't as much as called her in about 6mths. My brother lives around the corner and only comes by to pick up his mail, or wants money ( that will stop now because the last time my Mom wrote him a check the bank called me because she wrote it on a check book I stopped payment on because she said it was lost) he even Ushers in Church and doesn't even acknowlegde her presence half the time.(luckly my Church Family is aware of who cares for her) He won't even answer his phone when I call for fear I will ask him to watch Mom. I have given up my life to care for her. I can't work and I have exhausted my savings and working on killing my 401K to survive. Mom does have a savings which leaves money for the three of us at her death. I have been paying her bills, buying her medicine and a new wardrode (due to excessive weight loss). My siblings have just accussed me of spending her money-I have records of my expenses so I am not worrried about that. My question is can I legally bill them from there inheritance for my care, considering they wanted to put her in a nursing home and she made it clear she would rather die, and if she was in a nursing home they really wouldn't get nothing they would take it all.. I do everything for her, take her to her several Dr. appointments, Church EVERY Sunday and even take her to my friends house when I need to get out. Hopefully someone can give me some direction.
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car and set right next to my sister they didnt scare me with their legal stuff cuz i know and my parents knew i took care of them so as long as i did what i was suppose to do i did no wrong...and they found out at the end that i was the wrong person they went after....GOD IS GOOD
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I think we are twins! I agree with, and live every thought you are thinking. Especially the thought of how we can be related to these selfish, none caring siblings. I asked my mother just a few days ago how could I possiblilty be related to them. But she gives them excuses, because..... they are her children too. I'm meeting with an estate lawyer tomorrow cause I know my bi-polar sister will come knocking when they're gone, and I've done all the work, all the appointments, all the shopping. Lilliput, we both need to get past the anger to move on. It's the only way.
I swear that I knew things would be like this from a young age. My sib always threw tantrums, always got his way, and was selfish to the core from day one. How do people get this way? We grew up in the same family.
As I write this, I am throughly exhausted...spent the entire day with Mom going to all her doc.s appts, getting her lunch, and doing errands. Then for the icing on the cake she calls me when I get home with a complaint about a doc that "charged her too much." (this is the same guy who usually does not charge her for most office visits.) I am so mad I can't see straight. I often think of shipping her back to my errant sib. But, that would be signing her death sentence because he would just neglect her.
So here we all sit...between a rock and a hard place. Wowww.....our rewards better be in heaven because on Earth, it is just work and more work.
As everyone said above, take care of yourself, document where you can, then tell the sibs to take a short walk off a long cliff. (a PG-rated version of what I am REALLY thinking)
I am just too no-nonsense today......
Lilli
But you are all correct, I need to arm myself against the onslaught that I know is coming. It isn't like mom has any money, and she and i have always, even before she started with the strokes, just threw whatever money was needed for whatever into the mix and didn't keep track. if I had it in my pocket, I paid the bill, if she had it she did. no problem.
But now that I can't leave the house for the hours I would have to to work, and I sitter would cost more than I would make, things are all on mom's dime, and since my sister has stolen my third of dad's estate, things are Very Tight.
I will go to a local family atty for a basic contract though, and I'm making sure that her Dr., and CNA and anybody else I can find know exactly what's going on.
TENNESSEE, what type of legal contract are you referring to? I also have a deadbeat sibling. I would like to have my ducks in a row the day she comes around expecting what she feels is her rightful share. So many weeks, even months can go by before she shows her face. And when she does, the first thing you'll hear are her excuses of why she hasn't been there.....blah blah blah. She pops in for a short time, and then you don't see her for a long long time...I guess she feels as if she's done her good deed. It's a shame because she lives less than 10 minutes away. I have asked her to help me help dad and just ended up with her being a no show with a lot of excuses. I have learned not to expect anything from her. And I'm ok with that....After my mother died unexpectedly in the hospital last year, I had to make a choice. 4 years prior to my moms death, I had been running myself ragged trying to work and help dad take care of mom, who had dementia. His health was also failing due to COPD. During that time, she was
never around to help. Dad is now 84 and in the last stages. He has been hospitalized twice already in the last 9 months. Since July, he has been an in-home hospice patient. Even after she was shocked to see him in that state of health, she still does not come by to see if he needs any type of assistance. Not even a phone call. In her mind I guess a magic fairy comes in and cleans the house, does the grocery shopping, cooks his meals, pays his bills, pick up and gives him his meds, washes his clothes, changes his linen, helps him to the bathroom and makes sure his home is safe and comfortable. In March of this year, I made the choice to leave my full time job, so I could provide care for my father, because it was so difficult to find a caregiver that is affordable and able to provide the care needed not only for his health, but also his well being. Anyway, needless to say, I have no income coming in, I am not building retirement or SS for my later years,and I have to battle depression because I have no outside social world.. Thank God for this site! I know the services I provide have monetary value. And when it's all said in done, I seriously doubt I will hear the words..."Please take a portion of my share for all the work you did to keep mom and dad happy and comfortable during their last days". I WANNA BE READY!
My sib was helping himself to "loans" which he never paid back. I pleaded with my Mom to not continue to lend him money, so he made her sign up for a credit card and take an advance which he never paid back. I finally had her financial advisor set up a trust fund for her. I consider all her assets her own...not and inheritance for any of us. I use her funds for her care only. Keep records, but, as Ted said, do not go crazy with it...we get criticized no matter what. I do not charge Mom for my time...although, some on this site do...nothing wrong with that, but I would set up a contract.
You are not helping your Mom if you are suffering yourself. Caregivers are heavy on the "giving" but tend to neglect ourselves. Please think about your future too...your sibs should not benefit from all your work. Spend your Mom's money on her care....that's what it is there for.
I have stop communiticated with both of them for the time-being. If they want to talk to mom they can know her seperate number, but they don't call. When all is said and done, I will look at the legalities of what my sister has done, but for now I must focus on trying to make this time as comfortable as possible for mom. And for myself.