Do other caregivers have the same thoughts and feelings as me?

Holly my mother's NH is the same. They call if there's a problem, i.e. a cold or a fall, but they pretty much have total control over her meds and treatments, which perhaps is as it should be because I', no nurse/doctor. All I can do is add things to make it easier for her. I'm sure the drinking is documented in the caregiving records but there's really nothing you can do about it.

Part of what I do not understand is that HIPPA and other agencies do not respect my POA and Med. POA documents to engage me in constructive conversation about what can be done to help. I've asked for counseling for years for her. If she has upsets, then let them out with someone who can help. I only get calls to tell me "your mother has been drinking and this happened." They respect her demands to "don't tell about the alcohol" but isn't that the wrong thing to do? Don't they have to document it somewhere? Won't some agency step in and be willing to listen to my side of things? Is there a specialist on this site who can offer a suggestion?

There's just never been any respite. I was her caregiver since I was a child, in my own way. And, there's never been a time she was not dependent on me in one way or another. I'm in my 50's and I'm tired, so tired already. Going into military service gave me a reason to travel and live other places, but she or someone who calls about her latest outburst are always there. The "weekly calls" were suggested by a counselor, to try and put the schedule of dealing with her on my terms. She's starting to abuse that schedule and call when she feels like it. If I don't call within a few hours it's one rant after another on the answering machine.

Thank you Ashlynne, for you note. There is not enough money for an Assisted Living. It was tried years ago and it basically was a waste of money and effort. She did not utilize the amenities and treated the staff like servants. When she got drunk or just mean they called me to deal with it. I suggested mental health counselors, but they would not do it. The money got too tight to continue and it was in a moment of discussion about the "bottom line" and saying that it is a business, and like any business, it will ask you to move if you cannot pay rent. She agreed to move to a regular apartment and have a caregiver agency with more moderate fees. It's not too far into the future that those funds are going to run out too. I'm worried and scared. I appreciate your honesty in telling me how things were for you. I'm so sorry for your bad times, yet rejoice for you for the good things that have come your way. ** Hug**

at least an alcoholic parent is easy to choose gifts for.

Holly my mother was exactly how yours is, including the Queen/hermit thing. I spent 4 hellish years caring for her 24/7, daily planned my escape, wished she would die and, in my darkest times, even contemplated suicide. She's been in a NH just over a year now (Parkinsons & dementia). Another stroke a couple of months ago knocked the stuffing out of her and she's getting easier to deal with, though she still reverts occasionally. Right now she's actually quite pleasant.

It's taken me the past year to recover from a lifetime of mommie dearest and the past few days I'm actually feeling quite good. I now live on 2 acres in the country, just me and my dogs, and it's heaven. It's New Year's eve and I'm looking forward to rebuilding my life in the year ahead.

If your mother needs help she should enter an assisted living facility. Whatever you do DO NOT become her caregiver. You will be stepping into hell and she will destroy you.

I'm just shaking and in tears right now. I make a call once a week to my parent who lives elsewhere by her choice. I dread the "Tuesday call" I wake up on Tuesday mornings knowing I promised to and it's so hard to do. This is the end of the holiday season. I have not really been happy this year but put on a good face. Too much bad news about those I don't know and those I do know.
My mother got drunk on Christmas eve to the point she couldn't even tell the Life Alert what the problem was. I get a call, had to handle that and almost missed the Christmas eve service I look forward to all year. Now, she's got all these persons showing up at her door making "poor you" comments and it just encourages her to be more self-absorbed. BTW, she is a Borderline Queen/Hermit personality. So, for a whole week it's been "poor her" and why, a zillion years before, she was not treated well-enough as a child so she had to have a drink. Me, only child had the "mommy dearest" childhood and I cannot even speak of it. She asked about my children and I purposely said that one just received the Nobel Prize and the other is a CEO of a company. Complete BS, just to see if she was listening. Obviously not because she said "oh nice" and she should know better - one child is still in school and the other has handicaps. She pumps me for news about anyone that she can compare me to and I said a good friend just got laid off because of the horrible economy right now. I was genuinely concerned for my friend and wanted to pour my heart out a little. In mid-sentence, it was "Oh, someone is at the door" and she's going to hang up. I can't even pour my heart out about anything and yet I listen to her list of woes every week. Constructive suggestions fall on "deaf ears" or "selective ears" or whatever. People there are a welcome distraction for her until she just all of a sudden gets tired of the attention and wants them to all go away. Then, she drinks and says that's because they "make her nervous." There's a Home Care agency that does all the work to make her life wonderful and easy. She preaches things she hears on the tv but does not practice what she preaches. I have to listen to it, deal with it, pour my sweat and blood into it, and I'm terrified that I will have to deal with things like so many of the rest of you when the money runs out and it will. I love life but fear I will do something desperate if I cannot ever validate my feelings, hurts, and be acknowledged by her if I have to take care of her in my home. This is venting. But, I'm shaking and in tears and dread the thought of the next week Tuesday call, or the calls that come randomly and routinely from Life Alert.

Got grandpa us for Adult Day Health...taking him longer again the Dilantin is building up....I scarfed some oranges...Man I love orange season...he had a pants fit last night deciding he could wear his week old dirty cords to ADH mom nixed it I said just let me wash em problem solved...Next problem.....

I need to whine..........mil on a roll already this morning....going to be a long day. The friend doing her bathroom fix-up arrives and her tv is usually blaring 24/7..it's off and I see she has fixed her hair and plastered black mascara on. she's sitting there oblivious to what anyone is saying so i ask if she has her "ears" in....no, ok I will get them for you....but no she practically runs me over to get to the bedroom. puts them in but still won't pay any attention to a damn thing i'm saying and then all of a sudden looks at me and says "would you just lower your voice". I am normally in yell mode around her because tv is so loud, ear batteries are dead, or she only has one of them in. Visions again of my hands around her throat....:) So i need to talk to her again about doggie's potty outside, not inside the house all over the carpet, shut out again. She is not on my good list today.

I wish I had located this friendship while I was stressed to the max in the throws of care giving. Now that I have located it, this forum has become a form of therapy and or outlet for my passion to help others. I feel like taking care of the seniors should not be "rocket science", and yet it seems like it is or was for me. Once my mother was killed in a facility, my passion and anger grew and thus I am in the HC field and going to make a change. I agree it is so nice to know that you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts; I always thought I was alone. I have enjoyed my journey on this forum and plan to continue to grow from the reading on here.
Blessings, Bridget

Yeah, it just gets to the day by day stage and then you need sounding boards.....or in my case grousing and whining boards...

J you can say that again! I have noticed such a tremendous difference in mil in just the past yr. when we moved her here, could still drive although we worried about letting her out in unfamiliar territory; after 2 trips to the grocery store the driving ended. Her memory span has gone from 10 min to about 5 now in the past month. She has no concept of time. Physically she is healthy, mentally not so much, so I feel like I have a long road ahead of me and THANK YOU all so much for being my sounding board...........

Been there doing that...It is a growing issue in the US really. An aging population and one that wants to stay home at all costs. Some one has to deal with the inevitable facts of "You guys really are not OK on your own..." to "I don't think this is working out..." Then it is day by day from then on..........And no set expiration date on tasks or needs, except that they will most likely increase over time as the person loses abilities and competencies (and denies this just as stridently as possible)...

APRIL:

... and the more you share with us, the smaller your problems seem. We circulate, commiserate, collectively vociferate, act up, act out, and even throw a tantrum or two. ... Just when you're beginning to apologize for that "temporary loss of control the other day" someone will come out and say "Been there, done that too." Welcome to the family.

-- ED

April, when I joined this group I was so relieved to find out that others go through exactly what I have been and they feel the same feelings.......it was almost a sense of freedom. I care for my mother-in-law and when I whine and moan and belly-ache about something she has done, the others here have "been there, done that" and it helps a lot. So no, you are not alone.