My father is a very controlling person. We are moving him to an assisted living facility soon and I have a feeling this isn’t going to go well. How, can I make this move go as smoothly as possible?

Thought I'd add my "2 cents" and give an attaboy/attagirl to AlwaysLearning for the insightful comment. Being direct is one of those hidden powers most adult children miss when caring for an aging family member.

Implicit in the suggestion is that the adult child understand the risks of the parent's circumstances and the next best step to take. "Next best step" because we can never know all the steps that will be necessary.

I love the "Oh, it's raining again.I need an umbrella" approach to keeping actions in perspective. A similar approach is to view your parents actions as if it's a total stranger. How would you act then?

Keeping your emotions in check is difficult. But when you can, you'll make decisions faster, more clearly and generally more accurately than you will when your emotions trip you up.

What I want to say is hard to get across in words, but it's true not only with elders but also children and peers and everyone: If you go into a situation apologetically or hesitantly or guiltily or worrying about resistance, the other person picks that up. And the other person -- even unconsciously -- feels, well, if you're acting guilty or hesitant or vulnerable, then there's something for you to be guilty or hesitant or vulnerable ABOUT. So get a grip on your own ambivalent feelings and be totally straightforward: this has to happen, such-and-such is going to happen next and then so-and-so. Act like your dad's negative reactions are just like the weather -- possibly unpleasant but not your doing and simply something to be worked with. Think "oh, it's raining again, I need and umbrella" and keep on keeping on. Good luck.

what did people do BEFORE there were assisted living/ nursing homes? You may ask yourself this first. Then afterwords if you still desire to get him out of the house and your daily routine, pack his bags, take him inside (after you have enrolled him) and then leave "quickly and quietly" as you would leaving a child at a day care. STAY away for a couple of weeks until he has time to adjust to the change. Good luck and keep us informed.

Dear jossuttle It is hard we are telling him we are sending him to a resort that's he has been asking to go to. It works and we are not telling him he cant come home. It is safer and a lot less stress on me and I need to be selfish unfortunately he is a very angry person always has been. Thanks for the support and I wish you all the luck with your Mom.... :)

My heart goes out to you. My brother and I had my Mom at home with home care companions during the day. She refused to have someone at night and was very upset when we tried. We had her dominating everything we tried to do to help her. She refused help. Then she broke her toe and had to go to the hospital. From there the hospital recommended rehab at a nursing home. We kept her there as a resident since there were four of her friends there. She is 90 years old. She did suffer from the change, but is getting better and used to it. She has swallowing problems as well and sometimes reverts to her childhood looking for her parents. She asks to come home occasionally and we just say that the doctor wants her to get better. We are not bringing her home. She is much safer there and we keep continued communications with her and the staff. She doesn't realize that she isn't coming home. We divert her attention. It may sound unreal to someone who has not experienced this. It is heartbreaking but we are at peace that she is well cared for and is not alone at night. Hang in there. We all need lots of prayers.

Thanks anne123 I had no idea an association like that existed and I'm pretty good at research thanks :)

Also wanted to mention that there is the National Association of Senior Move Managers (NASMM) which assists seniors with the physical challenges and tasks involved in a move, for a fee (which some facilities will pay for). They are on the Internet.

Thanks Mr Eldercare for your advise and to answer your question yes my Father was verbally abusive before his dementia I've been taking care of him for three years and had to deal with a lot of "stuff" from him but I got through it. Right now hes just doesn't know or thinks he can walk and do anything he did in his healthy years and nothing and noone can tell him differently and that's the scary part he will not listen to me anymore and that is dangerous for him and myself. So I think its time for assisted living it'll be hard at first but I think he will be happy when he settles in....Keeping my fingers crossed :)

Yes, I think this will be a good move for your father. My father lives in assisted living, and I continue to notice the kind and empathetic way the residents have with each other. They demonstrate a patience, tolerance, and understanding with each other that is inspiring to see. There is something that really "works" about this "peer group" of sorts that is living together, forming a supportive community. My father has adjusted well and has made some good friends. Hopefully your father will too.

Hi.

Yes you are doing the right thing by changing your dad's housing situation. You're also very smart to think about making the transition go smoothly before the move.

Most folks don't.

Given you dad's mental condition, having your ducks in a row will help both of you. It will still be hard on you emotionally.

Sunrise has a good reputation across the country and they focus on Alzheimer's/Dementia residents.

Whenever you move an elderly person from one home to another they will suffer from a little known issue called "Relocation Stress Syndrome". The disorientation and loss suffered when they move from familiar surroundings often leads to hospitalizations within the first 6 months of relocating. A women named Tracey Greene-Mintz is an expert on RLSS. She's very approachable and would be worth consulting.

Was your father verbally abusive when he "was in his right mind"? It's so disheartening when a caring daughter tries to care for a parent and gets disrespected and demeaned in the bargain. This is the point where you need to get some professional folks on your team. A good geriatric care manager can prepare you for the journey you're about to take. So can the folks at Sunrise.

No matter what happens, realize you can only do what you can do.
I know this is a difficult decision for you. Just realize you are doing the best you can for both of you, get some good advice, make your decision and run with it.

Your dad is lucky to have a daughter like you to watching out for him.