Mother fell and I couldn't get her up because she's heavy. When something like this happens I feel anger and I hate it. How do I cope?

Sometimes incidents like this are needed to get our creative juices flowing. Your situation is not unique or unchangeable. My father had a similar situation with my mother. He installed a toilet with a raised bowel to make it easier for my mother to sit down and get up from the bowel with less effort. Then he had a carpenter install a railing beside the toilet like those used in public facilities for disabled persons.
Let's face it. Being cast into role of caregiver is not something anyone has been prepared for or trained to do well. So we muddle through it to the best of our ability. We should never feel guilty if we are making an honest attempt to do it right. Best to use the energy wasted on a guilt trip for finding a better solution to whatever problem we encounter. And the ability to share our problems and solutions on sites like this makes our caregiver tasks a lot easier than in the past. When there is a will...there's a way!

Helping our parents at the toilet has got to be one of the most important and love-giving moments we share with them, not to mention private. The words "I love you" never sounded as powerful or sincere from my mother as when she said them to me one day after I helped her at the toilet. This was a couple weeks before she died. Fran and others, God bless you as you help your parents with their toilet needs.

There are lifts and transfer equipment to help with it physicially; emoitonally you can't help but be angry with the person for letting themselves get so heavy and weak and then angry at yoruself for being judgemental, Lord knows its hard to stay at a helathy weight and make yourself move in tiday's world. No one plans to become dependent and literallly a heavy burden. It kind of sneaks up on you, and finally pounces like a beast out of the mists of denial, from what I have seen with my own family members. A good in-home rehab eval could be very helpful to all concerned.

It's hard to see our parents who were once strong and sure need our help in such ways. I feel for you. Acknowledging the guilt is good. It's normal to have anger. But it will get better;I look forward to it too. You are doing a priceless service for your Mother and I would bet most parents would rather not have to put their children in a caregiver/nurse situation. If you are not doing it now,start a journal soon. Pray,pray,pray. Blessings to you and your Mother.

Dear Fran, I am a TRAINED RN, I am VERY STRONG,my Mother was light and still there were times when she went down. Sometimes, no matter what we do s--- happens. My frustation, anxiety and fatigue would be off the charts and I would become very angry.I took care of Mom alone for a long time,and all my fear of not being able to handle the situation alone terrified me.My anger at my siblings for not helping would boil over.My own fatigue and pain nawed at me and sometimes unfortunately there were times when she could sense my feelings.I managed to stay calm and explained to her that I wasn't mad at her, but that I was mad because of something like the lousy design of the toilet bowl or the floor being slippery, anything other than her. What I Hated was the Alzheimers. It's the situation that you're angry at, not your Mother. It's completely Normal for you to get angry.It sucks to have to watch your parents age and be ill. That pain is the tradeoff for having them into old age.Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your doing an outstanding job with her there, and it sounds like your Mother is quite understanding too. She knows your scared and struggling. Talk to her and let her know that it's not her you get mad at and that she is not a burden. Let her know you love her and want to care for her as she cared for you. Tell her you will get through this together and deal with each day as it comes. That is the best you can do and your doing it ! Give YOURSELF a break. I strongly suggest that you begin to explore all the different types of assistance out there and start getting some help.Losing your temper is a warning sign that you are approaching overload.It's hard to accept help sometimes.You feel as if you have somehow failed the person or let them down,when in fact you've done the opposite.The wider the circle of care is, the better your Mom's situation will be. Also,you MUST keep a sense of humor. Sometimes you just have to laugh. One last hint. When the person your supporting begins to fall, guide them slowly into the fall until they are safely on the ground,always protecting the head. It is when we try to break a fall that most injuries occur. Hang in there. Good luck and God Bless. D.

Understandable! I always try to think Well she probably didn't always feel like lifting me out of my crib, changing diapers and getting spit up on either. So its just my time to return the care she gave to me. My mom has alzheimers so she can be difficult, but I know that she knows she is loved. And most of the time at the end of the day I know she loves me too.

The times when I get angry are usually when mom starts leaning back and I have to hold her up and it strains my neck and my back. sounds selfish, but I don't want to throw my back out of whack. I guess it's only human.

Fran, I understand the getting mad. Part of you HAS to be frustrated at your mother for letting herself get so big, therefore maybe that's where the 'mad' part is coming in. Because now her weight is affecting you and what you want to do. I think once you identify the 'why' you're angry, then you can put it aside. Let's face it, it is what it is, now you need to make other arrangements how to handle the extra girth she's put on. After all, she's still your mother, you still love her to death right? It all comes with the territory when we love people. We put up with, accept and deal with the crud that comes our way as a result of loving them. Of course I myself am 'perfect' you know. Just don't tell my husband that. ha.

AS A FORMER NURSING ASSISTANT I WAS TAUGHT TO EASE THE PERSON THAT WAS FALLING BY LETTING THEM "SLIDE" CLOSE TO ME AND BY MY LEG. I THEN GRABBED ANYTHING SOFT , PILLOW,OR WHATEVER WAS IN THE WHEEL CHAIR AND PROPPED IT AROUND OR BESIDE THEM SO THEY WOULD BE COMFORTABLE UNTIL I COULD HELP THEM GET UP..

Fran-Good reply's from the others, Jut realize that you did your very best-as your Mom probably has...and move on from there. Whatever you do-Don't play the blame game-or feel guilty, as you at least made an attempt.
Have a peaceful TODAY!
Hap

u are doing better than u think.
we all feel that frustration,anger,and hate-its a terrible disease..
let yourself feel,let it out,
dont let it build up inside-
and then u talk with her,reassure her ,
sounds like its a new way of feeling- but u r doing it well-
u are good and loving, and human.
can u get some help-with caring for your mom?
its so much for one person- this is a great place to get info
and understanding.
forgive yourself-u are a blessing!!!

Completely understandable, Fran. I have felt the same way. We are human! You are sweet to care about your mother so much.

The anger is like someone inside you saying "I wish this were different." If someone else outside you said that, you'd say "I know, I understand." Can you speak that way to the part of you that's angry?

How heavy is she?
Some changes in her diet may help you out and be better for her.
Can you get some part time caregiver help?
Some chair sitting strengthing exercises each day really helps at any age. Look online or have her doctor give you some exercise papers.
Better to do these two things than for her to get hurt and then you suffer from guilt or hate.
. A person being heavy is not your doing. Any person who cannot support themselves is difficult and heavy.
Sounds like you have a wonderful mom and glad you care so much about her.

Welcome to being human! It's impossible to be perfect and not allow anger to show. Your mom realizes you're a real person, and not a robot. As Bridget said; the best thing is that you talked with her later, about it.

Bless your heart!!! I felt the same way in taking care of my mom, we are mad at ourselves not Mom. We just want to do everything perfect and make it as easy as we can for them, somtimes God puts a curve ball in there. Let it go, do not dwell it, you will eat yourself up, life is too short for that. You are so sweet to go and speak to your mother about it, and keep letting her know how you love her and are honored to take care of her, and that sometimes God puts a curve ball in there, then have a laugh. Mom and I used to have some of the best talks in the bathroom, not sure why, but we did.
Happy Holidays,
Blessings,
Bridget