I was told that if we have to put grandma in a home any money she gave us to help in her care we have to pay back ..is this true?

Her daughter does have DPOA and between her and grandma they have givin me medical in case of emergency. Her daughter controls all her money and pays for her medications. And between the two of them decided what she wanted to give us to help care for her. We spend that money on her and some goes to the bills to help pay for her share. This is what they both wanted. I had asked for nothing when we took her in. We had asked the rest of the family to just take her out from time to time. Call her and include her as they would have before she came here. And since she has been here they don't bother to call and not very often pick her up. Same goes with her daughter, We asked that she at least take her mother out or to her home twice a week. But even that is like pulling teeth. All we hear is she drives me nuts asking the same thing over and over. Would just once like to let them see what its like on our end when we have to hear her over and over ask why nobody calls her and why nobody comes see her. And then cries that nobody cares!! I do believe nobody dose!! They all have known for years that she was diabetic and they let her eat or they would get her junk food that they new she shouldn't have. But they would say she can eat whatever she wants. The woman has 99% blockage in both arteries and they still fed her foods high in salt, fat and sugar. Wonder why she ended up with such blocked arteries!! I never liked they way they would treat her, I wasn't brought up that way. We had respect for our elders and we took care of our own when they were in need. I helped home care my mother with terminal cancer. I watched her mother take care of my mother. And I watched that same person care for her mother and I helped my grandmother home care my grandfather with Alz. We as a family took turns to give my grandmother breaks. Nothing like my husbands side that just want her money and the hell with the person who is still here and in need of her family. Grandma would probably be a lot easier to care for is we didn't have to deal with her getting depressed because her own daughter doesn't want her. Her daughter was more then happy to giver her to us. And even at one point want me to take guardianship of her. But I felt like that would just let her off the hook of having to help take care of her own mother. And I also didn't want nothing to do with knowing her finances. Its not my place she has a daughter and that is her place. Since day one of grandma being here she has said to me that she wants all of her money to go to us for taking care of her and I've told her since day one that it belongs to her daughter. I wanted her hear to care for her health. I want her to still be able to go and do the things she loves to do like go play bingo and go shopping. And when she shops she gets things for herself not us. And that is the way it should be. She dose ask to go out to eat from time to time and she insists on paying. We take what she gives us ( It has never been enough to cover the bill but we don't tell her). Because she has this thing about paying her own way. Telling us all the time that she never has owed anyone she has always paid her own way. Were not like her other grand kids that will invite her out to eat and then have her pay the whole bill!! And when she comes back she has no money left on her! So her daughter has us keep her spending money from her when the other grand kids take her out. Her daughter has had control of her finances for over 5 years. And her daughter has said she don't want nor need her mothers money. So I do feel every thing I've done is for her benefit. By being here she see her grand kids on a daily basis and has all her own furniture and belongings in her own room. She has people that will not giver her that box of donuts that she wants but will give her one and say that if you eat any more you will feel sick. And will answer those same questions over and over and over! Will clean up her bathroom messes without yelling at her ( like she can help it). And give her that hug when she's feeling down. This woman has done lots for all the people in her live that now have turned there backs on her. I offered my home and no one stood up and said NO...i'll take her! Not one said a word, just my mother in law..her daughter...she was 100% for us taking her in and wanting us to take guardianship. I just want for what little time this poor woman has left here is to be happy and feel loved. And not be alone when that time comes! You see im talking about people that tell me when they are going out of town that is something happens don't call them but have the funeral home put her on ice till they get back! And if I can help it she will leave here with a face she is used to seeing, smile at her and tell her its ok to go.

Debbo64
Taking in your your grandmother who isn't as young as she used to be and who is in a latter stage of alzheimers is admirable. Copious record keeping is critical. Do you have DPOA and medical POA? If you don't, and no one else does, it is too late but for a Court to determine who has authority. There is the thing about money that you say she gave you. There may be an issue because, she is not able to give in her present condition. Can you get some documentation that would illustrate what her expenses were prior to coming to live with you? It would serve if you are questioned. You do have her daughter out there who might be adversarial. You, the granddaughter, took your grandmother with alzheimers in to live with you while her daughter would not. Sounds like a lot of love. No document created by your grandmother is likely binding post alzheimers diagnosis. Per chance, is there something prior to the diagnosis where she requests that you take care of her and use her funds for that purpose and/or that she does not want to be placed in a nursing home? Her needs will not decrease and you and your husband will be challenged. You seem to be doing something very special. Ask yourself, is this expense for the benefit of my grandma?

Debbo64,

First thing I'd do if I were you is I would call your area aging agency--in Cincinnati, OH--it's Council on Aging. (google or dogpile it) if you don't find them at your church. I would talk to an eldercare attorney, but if you need to--at first, any lawyer would do--but eldercare attorney would be best b/c they specialize in that area. My DPOA SIL wouldn't hear of o/n help to monitor why my MIL was falling and she ended up going to a nursing home b/c I just couldn't take care of her during the day and continue into the night. Yes, I had help. MIL went to Elder Day Care Facility during the workday 2-3 times/wk., had 5 children helping me (well, 4, Child #3 didn't come around but OCCASIONALLY). I realize that's more help than some people get, but when MIL gets to be a handful and a half--it's not enough. I sure as heck was not going to be blamed for the unexplained bruises, so that's why I asked for o/n help. Instead she went to the NH for good--not just for rehab. ...and since the 4 daughters made that decision w/o asking my husband (their brother, her only son)--we just let them waddle in it. I know they don't have to ask my opinion--b/c I'm not blood-related, but I was taking care of her Primarily.

Thanks..I'll get that together just in case. So far we can keep her here, but was thinking ahead and was told that we would have to give it all back! Didn't know where we would come up with it since we used it for her and household bills that are now larger then when she didn't live here. And her needs are now getting to be more costly. And we get no help from her daughter or other family members. She is nearing the advanced stage of Alzheimers and medicare and her doctor are not much help with this. I try to tell her daughter we need more help but it goes on deaf ears and we (my husband and I) are left to deal with it alone. And her daughter just tells us, "well if you can't take care of her you will have to come up with all the money she gave you!" I was sick over this!! Here we take her in out of the goodness of our hearts and take better care of her then any home could. And the thought that when things are beyond our capabilities we would be made to come up with that kind of money!! She has been with us for over a year and 5 months and thanks to us her blood pressure is normal and so is her sugar, something her doctor hasn't seen in over 20 years!! Grandma is 98 and in the 26 years that I have known her she has had sugar and blood pressure problems. They whole family knew of this and would still let her eat what and how much she wanted!! And then when eating all that made her feel sick they would say she was faking for the attention!! So when she was hospitalized and told that she could no longer live on her own we took her in and stuck to a good diet and she is in great health despite the alz.. We never asked her or anyone for money, she wanted to pay her own way and insisted on giving us money each month to help. And it was a big help considering all our utility bills have gone up with her here and the diabetic foods and drinks and diapers and her personal stuff. I also have an aid that comes to help with baths so I have a little break, and that she takes care of too out of what she gives us. The lady is far from rich and so are we! And the rest of the family are well off and don't lift a finger or offer a dime to help!! Just makes me sick but they all want what little this poor thing has left and even went so far as to take it from her while she is still here and needs it!!

Relax, based upon what you have said, there would be no give back. If however, you were given significant gifts, they would be subject to some scrutiny. Calculate the costs of your household and divide by the number of occupants plus incidentals within reason and if the amount used is in that range, there would be no reasonable questions asked. Given your grandma is living, certain costs are assumed.

She has been on medicare for years...and she has lived with us for the past year and a half. She is slowly getting worse and there could be a day that we just can't take care of her. And we were told that all the money she had givin us for help with her part of the bills and her diabetic food and any personal items she needed. Its not like we took the money and spent it on our self's! This woman hasn't had a home of her own in a long time and before she came here she was in an apartment. But after the last hospital stay they said she could no longer be alone. So we took her in so she wouldn't have to go in a home. She didn't want to go there and I know she would have just died there because what family she dose have have little or no contact with her. She has very little in the bank and is on a very tight fixed income. She has Alzheimer and is diabetic and has blood pressure problems. And she also has a pace maker.

When I started the medicaide application over a ayear and a half ago any money withdrawn from my account over a certain amount had to be accounted for. You need to go to an elder lawyer in your area he will know the rules about the look back period in your state and county-my husband died 3 weeks after I started the processes but I have heard that the look back period may be increased to 7 years-it might be a good idea to start the medicaide because depending where you live she might be able to get home care paid for by medicaide it is a lot easier for a parent than a spouse because you are not responsible for her debts and you might want to write down any of her money you spend on food and care items you buy for her now, My elder lawyer asked for a retainer of 5 hrs. which means he probably could have done it in a few houres-I was stupid and tried to do it on my own except once with a social worker at the nursing home he was in for rehab-I had a meltdown and started crying so she helped me a lot and she was able to get through to the people she needed to while I would have been playing phone tag for days so let them help you-in my case I had to get bank statements for 3 yrs. which the bank did for me in about a week, they are trying to make sure the people who get medacaide really need it because in the past people gave their assests away to family to get on medaice so the ones who really need it have to jump through hoops,