naheaton, about the money thing, not necessarily. My Mom has a great deal of money. My brother is in control of all her financial affairs. I have been left out because she thinks I want money (I have never asked for anything, ever). So my brother says "we will not have secrets in our family", however, keeps me in the dark. She has lied about me to keep me in the dark because she is so paranoid. I feel my brother has dropped the ball here. But when she gets ill or needs help he will turn to me to come do the dirty work, that is how he is. So sometimes it is about feelings. The bigger person would just do what they have to do, but that is very hard when you have years of hurt and anger behind you,
Maybe the dead-beat siblings didn't have a good relationship with the parent and therefore want nothing to do with them. It just so happens that we are taking care of one parent and the in-law sibs want assistance with their parent. What then?
you can chose your friends but you cant chose your family. They know they are not being their for them or you. Keep up with what you are doing and do the right things for your reward will come and they will have to answer to God our heavenly father for their actions. Love comes only if they truly mean it. Forgive them for they are being self centered and what goes around comes around.
You know what I say after going thru this for three years with Mom so far? I say "GOOD!" Believe me, you are better off without them, all they do is flap their mouths at how we are taking care of Our own mother, and they do nothing, From a close family over 25 years to shambles, it happens. One note tho...You get a caregivers contract and you get paid for this now or when the time comes beause all your siblings suddenly have time to come visit--for money! You can then your Moms money for giving yourself a break, and if she doesnt have any, apply for medicaid. Good luck and believe me, you're better off w/o them, I so wish mine never called again, sick of listening to them and their excuses , just go away!!! Mom and I are happy without them! lol
It is very sad what our siblings do and don't do. My family all live within 15min of each other. Mom who has alzheimers lived with my husband and me for 3months while my stepdad was in a nursing home for rehab. My three brothers and one sister all visited my dad at least once, some a few times. Not one of them came to see mom, or offered to take her to see her husband, even if they drove past my house to go see him. One brother did start taking her one night a week to his house for dinner and thankfully he takes dinner to them one night a week now. (they are back in their home with 24hr care between myself, and two friends) At first I was angry at them, but soon I just felt sorry for them. I will have so many more memories (good and bad, funny and sad) then any of them will. I don't ask anything of any of them and believe me, with the exception of the weekly visit and dinner they don't offer. When my wonderful (new sisters) and I need a break, my step brother comes from 1000 miles away and stays with his dad and my mother. I have learned that there is "Family" out there that do appreciate and care what I (and all of you) do, we are just not related by blood. This site is the only place I have to go to talk, Thanks for being here!
Out of five and a half years my brother, because of the embarrassment of an extensive coercive effort by my sister finally took Mom for one week. Again, out of five and a half years. My sister though, however grateful to her I am for her effort, only took Mom for two weeks during the same time frame.
From my inner perspective however, they are not the shame of this whole thing. I was far en-route toward doing more damage to myself with bitterness, et al, than they could have ever done. As sad as it is, I am at least grateful that I learned to a far better degree the lack of integrity and character my brother maintains within. Though I am intentionally going to structure little dealings with him in the future, my now better understanding of his character will shield me from expecting anything of him when I do have involvement. My sister though, has never really used the brains God gave her, so as egregious as it sounds, her actions were kind of a step up.
Look out for yourself FIRST through this... and that begins with learning to accept the fact you should not expect anything of them. But at the same time, you will still do yourself great damage if you do not learn to forgive them. With me, the first step in learning to forgive was structuring my life toward keeping them at arms length... that helps because I don't have to worry about becoming even more disappointed in their character. (It may not sound like the road toward becoming better able to forgive them, but with me, it is a start.)
I am one of 4 sisters; only two of us care for our mom at home (the two youngest ones). The other two live just minutes away. I often find myself wondering if the "older two" think my sister and I were actually just BORN and brought into this world to be the caregivers of ALL of our mother. I truly understand your anger, frustration, bitterness, etc. Not bitterness towards taking care of your parent, but the bitterness towards your numerous siblings. Totally understandable and justified. HOWEVER, I agree with all comments above. The only way for you to COPE and keep yourself functional is to...let it go. If you're anything like me, you're under enough stress as it is, and having to also deal with the neglecting siblings will just sap every bit of strength that you may have left. You need to save that strength for yourself and your parent. As a side note, in the past, I did attempt to speak with one of my other sister's indicating we could really use some help, that I didn't know how much longer I could keep doing what I had been doing, and it went over like a bomb! How DARE me!!! That if I couldn't keep doing it, mom would end up in a nursing home and it would all be because of ME! Well, thanks dear sister. That was the end of our relationship and haven't spoken to her for a year and a half now. In my book, she is no longer my sister. So, take it from me, you have to let it go. It'll eat you alive if you don't. How unfortunate. Just thank goodness YOU also won't be having to deal with the subsequent GUILT that I know the "other siblings" will feel...one day. That's on them. Hang in there. Keep coming to this site; you'll realize you aren't alone. God bless and (gently) pinch your parent on the cheek for me!
They will be involved when the Funeral Expenses arrive. if they are already paid, then send them any outstanding bills mom has. Or change your phone NUMBER and RETURN all their cards. Keep a record of all contacts. AND if mom has any assets , get them in your name. Good luck, been there done that.
I am also going thru this as well. Just try your best to let it go! They will be the ones who will suffer guilt later not you!! You are doing the right thing being there for you parent. Be strong and hang in there. You not alone. I have found many caregivers here in the same situtation. I has really helped me cope!! Good luck!!
I agree there is really nothing you can do if they don't want to help.I have siblings that live 15 minutes away and have only come to see Mom once since she moved in with me 2 years ago. I went through the begging, pleading, hating and finaly acceptance phase. It is very difficult to understand how my 9 brothers and sisters find it so easy to walk away from Mom. I finally realized that I was changing as a person, becoming bitter, angry and resentful daily that I knew I had to stop. Now I just rely on Karma, what goes around comes around. I am sorry you have to go through this alone, but it helps to vent here. Good luck
I don't know. Same situation. Some days I can block out all the negatives thoughts I have about my deadbeat siblings. Some days I can't. If you can GET them to participate, great. If you can't, go on with your life because YOU are doing the right thing.
What can you do? You can't control anyone's actions except your own. If you don't go in for guilt or begging then you're just gonna have to let it go. It is what it is. Not fair & really a bummer, but you'll drive yourself around the bend if you can't put it aside and do what you have to do. But I DO NOT think you ought to kill yourself off by doing everything. Put someone on notice that you don't mind doing their share, but when you NEED a break, someone had better step up and fill in, or you'll be dropping mom off at their house. Good luck with that last one. ha.
13 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
From my inner perspective however, they are not the shame of this whole thing. I was far en-route toward doing more damage to myself with bitterness, et al, than they could have ever done. As sad as it is, I am at least grateful that I learned to a far better degree the lack of integrity and character my brother maintains within. Though I am intentionally going to structure little dealings with him in the future, my now better understanding of his character will shield me from expecting anything of him when I do have involvement. My sister though, has never really used the brains God gave her, so as egregious as it sounds, her actions were kind of a step up.
Look out for yourself FIRST through this... and that begins with learning to accept the fact you should not expect anything of them. But at the same time, you will still do yourself great damage if you do not learn to forgive them. With me, the first step in learning to forgive was structuring my life toward keeping them at arms length... that helps because I don't have to worry about becoming even more disappointed in their character. (It may not sound like the road toward becoming better able to forgive them, but with me, it is a start.)
Keep looking up,
V
Good luck!!
-SS