How many of these mean, borderline moms and abusive, narcissistic mother-in-laws that I read about here so often were that way all of their lives?

Thank you all. Right now i cant afford to move. However,my granddaughter lives a couple hundred miles from here,the cost of living is lower, she wants me to move down there. We're working on it.
My mom just had obe of her fits. She thinks i ate some of her cookies!! This is not normal. Its always something crazy that I've done. I don't touch anything that belongs to her. Anyway,i told her as nicely as i could that she needs to ask my sister to go to the dr. With her. My sister has some control oover my moms money. Shes not going to do anything to help her. Shes sees my mom maybe 3hours every couple weeks and doesnt believe anything is wrong with her.

Anyway,thanks everyone you have really helped

Karen, we're all in the same boat. My mom accused me the other day of being on drugs and told me there was something wrong with me. This was her reaction when I very delicately suggested I had noticed changes in her behavior lately. Mainly her lashing out often. My brother can do no wrong and now my mother won't speak to me. She's in her late 70's. I am the most non-drug/non-drinker kind of guy and it hurts that she's turning into someone who was once so loving into being this combative person. I am accepting the fact that she wants distance and maybe Karen, for your own situation and well-being you could consider taking some time out for yourself too. This is a long and bumpy road but we're all in this together it seems like. Good luck with your experience and I'm grateful we can all vent on these sites.

Karen, I have seen this said many times on this site that people who were abused should not be involved in the direct care of the person who abused them. My wife was told this by her therapist and even added how far she wanted her to live away from her mother for her own good. I have read others make the same type of statement here too.

Karen, do you have to stay with her? It ain' t gonna get any better.....

Well i dont feel so alone anymore! My mom has always been abusive,mentally and physically. Even so i decided to move in with her and try to help her. She is 82 and in pretty good physical condition. But mentally,thats another story.
She is one of the nastiest human beings I've ever known. I actually have no idea how my dad stayed married to my mom as long as he did. (Thank God he got custody of us kids) HE was a wonderful father and i miss him every day
Living with mom now is a living hell. She doesnt get that im here and my sister is not. And of course my sister can do no wrong.
I've been accused of crazy things that don't even make sense. Such as taking her laundry money or moving her tv or if she has a problem with cable its because I've done somethong to her tv with my phone?!? I'm pretty much at the end of my rope.
I think maybe she has the beginings of dementia but its hard for me to feel sorry for her. She also is definitly bi polar. One minute things r fine and the next shes on a tirade. I'm so thankful I've found this forum. It helps me stay sane. My thanks to all of you

I asked my Moms doctor about this. He said if they were nice before Dementia they will be after. If mean they will be after. If nice before and mean after, they were mean before just covered it up well.

My mother was always a very phoney narcissist. All age and illness has done is exaggerate those qualities. My therapist has helped me to understand there is nothing I can do about her total absence of empathy, but I have no problem slamming the door on her when her language gets too vile and insulting.

My sib refers to my mom as "baby jane". Its funny. Yes, I think the behavior escalates or excerbates as we age. Those who are kind, active, independent exhibit those behaviors til the end; those who are otherwise, withdrawal, demand, feel entitled just gets worse with age and it falls on those who stick around "to do whats right" or are still looking for redemption from the parent. Sadly, rarely are issues resolved no matter how much care and love we give.

I guess my mother-in-law may be the exception to the rule, at least THIS rule that you'all have been talking about. She was never mean to me exactly, she just had nothing in common with a woman that didn't have a career. She started working right out of high school, but took a few months off after having her first son when she got married. After that she worked as a legal secretary for the next 30 years. By the time I married her youngest son, it was foreign to her why any grown woman would rather watch the hair on her arms grow, then punch the proverbial time clock. But I did. I wanted to be home taking care of my husband and later on our son, and not the absentee mother she had been. Because of that, she had really nothing nice to say to me, but like I mentioned not exactly MEAN. Now here she is a legally blind widow with dementia and one of the nicest people to me that you could ever imagine. It was really hard for my own mother to understand why I tended to the woman that once shunned me, and at first it was really hard, not gonna lie about that. I have to give God the credit for that, cause I didn't have it in me to reach out to her, on my own. Now she and I spend lots of time together, and I have become her main source of companionship. And how is that possible? Because I chose NOT to have that career she was so excited about. But instead, I have the free time that now SHE is so excited about. Life is funny.

Reading about the borderline women (my mother also) and the narcissistic personality, is bringing all my childhood and adulthood and setting them in front of me on a plate. I have been living with this all my life, and as an only child it is difficult. My mother is 84 soon and has beaten the odds with illnesses. I sometimes fear that she could outlive me and I will pass away with no peace of heart and mind from a sick controlling mother.
Thinking how awlful it is that so many wonderful people have mean parents that could outlive them is so sad. Guess that adds to the saying "only the good die young"

I take care of my 92 year old Aunt. My cousin, her daughter can no longer take care of her. My cousin is 71 years old with more medical concerns than her mom. My Aunt was always that way. My other Aunt and my father have also both been diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder. They say it is either because of neglect or overindulgence. I know it wasn't neglect because I say how my grandmother adored her children. It was also everyone else's fault when they did something bad. Go figure.

This week, my 82 year old mentally/emotionally disturbed, abusive mom was told by me: "You've always been hard on us-- and it effected our self esteem" when she pointed out that all three of us daughters had men abandon us with our children. Her response: "I'm not going to think about that"-- same as ever; only she didn't hang up on me because she's alienated EVERYONE else, and needs assistance. I actually sort of hung up on her-- said I was going shopping since she didn't want to hear my truth. I also said: "You want your independence, but I have to give up mine to help you-- so you can make your decision to live 2 hours away, but I will no longer be using every spare minute I have, neglecting my needs to meet yours." I love my mom, but I have learned to love myself more than she ever did me. Not hard to do, since she resented me for many reasons that were not my fault: being a girl-child, looking like her prettier sister, being liked by my dad, being intelligent, etc. I've learned not to hate myself as she did me, but value what is good about me-- especially that I can still love my mom and not return the physical/mental/emotional/sexual abuse now that she is dependent.

Honoring an abusive mother does not mean tolerating or enabling her poor conduct and wrong thinking. "Honor" is what God does to His Father and to each of us. He recognizes the potentiality of the human soul, the part of the person whom He gave His precious life to save. I am trying to live above the horror knowing that one day I shall stand before God and give an account...and HE will heal the pain and replace the sad memories and loss of what could have been.

Wow! I am amazed at how many people on this site feel like I do. Do you know that my mother used to tear my room apart also!!! When I was about 10 years old, she'd darken my door in a rage and take the drawers out of the dressers and dump them all over the room and pull the bedding and the mattress off the bed, tear clothes out of the closet and throw them all over and then tell me to clean it all up. She did this about 3 or 4 times until I finally had enough and at age 11, I went into her room screaming and took her trash can and dumped it upside down in her room...out came bottles of pills and kleenex, etc. She never did THAT again. She was also physically abusive and beat me with a large hickory stick that was made for her by my uncle (with sayings like "children should be seen and not heard" and "spare the rod and spoil the child" burned into the stick). That also ended when at age 11, I fought back and in swinging to fend off her attack, I broke her finger. She was a teacher also.

For some reason my mother has always been jealous of me (my sister-in-law has witnessed the behavior toward me and that is her assessment of the situation). I have yet to know the reason for it but at age 50, you'd think I'd have figured this out by now. There was no husband because she ran both of them off within a couple of years of marrying. She has no friends (never has), nobody she spends time with except me and my brother - who is so resentful and rageful, that even I feel sorry for the way he treats her. And he is/was her golden child...still he can do no wrong (even though he's an abusive raging drug addict). It's nice to know I'm not alone out here and there are people who understand. Usually when speaking the truth about my mother, people think I'm overreacting because they have no idea or experience with the kind of a mother I've dealt with my whole life. They'll say thinks like "there there...calm down, it can't be that bad". Well YES IT WAS THAT BAD. It's impossible to understand if you haven't lived it I guess. As I write this she's in the hospital for falling down the stairs and has two broken wrists. Every day, I hope and pray that I can be a bigger person and not mistreat her during this time...she's extremely demanding and nothing pleases her, so she makes it very tempting, but as of a few days ago, I chose to walk away and leave her to rot in her misery - alone. Some time away from her always makes things a little easier to bear.

nolansk, there are plenty of narcissistic and borderline women around like my mom, step-mom, and MIL. They have to be the center of the world and control all around them plus be the drama queen.

OMG it is absolutely amazing! How many nasty mean hateful lying cheating stealing bitches there are around, AND my Mom readily admits that she will lie manipulate and do whatever she can to get her way. She makes me so angry that I could, and sometimes do just scream. I can tell when she is up to something and knows EXACTLY what she is doing. I can see it in her eyes. I know when she is in her right mind and stirring the pot.

She is a mean hateful self-centered brat - and she taught school. She tries to act like she's this rich b... Born with a silver spoon in her mouth. I told her she acts like she has a stick up her a... She has chased every friend my family has ever had away because of the way she acts. I just cannot believe she will actually admit that she will lie to get what she wants.

A couple of months ago she took every set of keys to the vehicles of the household and put them in my bottom dresser drawer then claimed that I took them. I about went nuts trying to find the keys because we had Dr appts that day that we had to get to. Fortunately, I had an extra set hidden in my pocketbook, so her little "trick" didn't get the result she was after, but trying to find the keys to my parents van was the bad part. My son found them.

She pulls this kind of stuff all the time to try to make me look bad to the rest of the family so she can claim that I'm mistreating her.

She has been this way all my life. When I was younger I didn't know why she always picked on me. I was always the one she went after. She would go into my bedroom and tear it apart. She took everything off my dresser top, broke all my glass items, tore everything out of my dresser and closet, Well you get the idea. But this didn't happen once, she did it ALL the time. It got so bad that I tried to put a lock on my door, but my dad stopped me.

I've since found out from my siblings and psychologist that part of the reason she did this was because of the attention my Dad paid to me. Apparently, I am his favorite child, and anything that pulled attention from her got nailed. So I've been a target for her since I was born. (I'm the oldest). I'm 55, she's 82 and has Alzheimer's, you can just imagine what I'm dealing with....... I can't cry all the time, so tonight it's just funny.

My mother is 82 and when I talk about her and her hateful, self-centered, irrational behavior, people usually assume that her age is the sole cause. It's hard to convince people that she was this way 40 years ago!

It's hard sometimes, isn't it? I took my mom to the dr. Had to pay for parking, gas etc. She never offered to pay for a thing. Last week I took her and afterwards I said, why don't we go to lunch? then I said - hey, I bought last time, why don't you treat me? she did! I was shocked.

I am just stupid enough to have hope that things will change. That my mother-in-law will mellow with age. But at age 73, not so far. She was a very young mom and now feels entitled. She gave the basics: a home and food. So did father-in-law. Nothing specials. Husband didn't join sports teams, take lavish vacations, or have help with his college.

They just left from visiting us. One week of planning everything, driving them every where, and preparing or paying for all dinners. No thank you whatsoever. They would not clear their plates from the table or offer to help with food preperation or clean up. MIL no longer cooks, so when we go to visit them, we are responsible for our own meals. They aren't going to change. I need to get that through my thick head.

Mine is just as she always has been. I just didn't notice how bad it was until I had my own children. She is still playing games, telling lies, acting like a three year old. Selfish beyond belief. The difference now is I have distanced myself from her and what a difference! I don't even want to contact her anymore, but eventually I will, but on my terms.

Too many!... but the hope for self-healing is to be able to see them clearly, as fragile imperfect people, just like us. From there comes some compassion, with compassion understanding, with understanding forgiveness and then healing. Good luck and God bless!

Speaking of Mother's Day: For many years I have gone to Hallmark, standing in front of the cards, reading every one, looking for the appropriate sentiment, because I am not a phony. I find the least mushy, the most detached message, and I buy that one. Some years, depending on my mood, I will buy a beautiful one--tongue in cheek. OH, HOW NICE!
I read and cry, read and get a lump in my throat, read and get pissed off. Then I remember the wonderful cards I get every Mother's Day, birthday, Christmas and Easter, from MY children, and I know the price I paid was worth something.
There are trailblazers, pioneers, and those who have "gone before" who made awful sacrifices for progress. Sometimes I guess it has to be us, and I believe God will honor that.
I think if you had a crappy Mother, you don't have to get her a Mother's Day card at all.
The Bible tells us to "Honor your Father and Mother..", but I don't think it means you take everything they did and said, and repeat it, or agree with it, or accept it. If they were BAD, God knows and YOU know. He'll deal with them.
Jesus also said, "Fathers, do not aggravate (or embitter, or irritate) your children.." I think this goes for Mothers too, taking into consideration modern culture. He warned them...
Every night as I put my Mother to bed, I remind her to talk to God about her fears and to listen to what He says. On some level, I hope she gets it. I am absolutely a better "Mother" to her, than she was to me, at any age.
Yes, I deserve to be honored on Mother's Day! LOL

My mom, a single parent for several years, abused me her only child just like her younger sister, also a single mom, abused her three boys.

It is incredible how many mean mothers and mothers in law are talked about on this site. Makes one wonder if we should even have a mother's day at all.

mine was! it changes but stays the same, if that makes sense. makes it hard to help her, growing up she was very abusive. now, I can deal with her because she sort of doesn't seem like the same person.she's not as mean as years ago, just still really self centered.