Sherrie309, You are not alone. If your brothers & sisters are talking to you about this then they must be included in this. A family intervention, maybe, but if there are others, they have to step up too. Just because you are there they can't abdicate. It is a VERY hard decision to make and you don't need to do it alone. They have the same responsibility as you. I'm lucky, my sister died before Mom & Dad got bad, so the decision was mine entirely. Spread the wealth.
regarding Ilovedmymothers post: you have to be careful what you do regarding finances and having your name on her accounts.
IMHO you should have mom do a DPOA, MPOA and guardianship in case of incapacity statement done- all allow for different aspects of her care to be done. All of these will have a primary person - which is you - and a secondary person - which ideally should be whomever approaches her care the same way you do and wants the responsibility. This should be done by an attorney who specializes in elder care law and who practices in the county where she lives or owns property. If you need her will to be done or a codicil added to update, they do that too.You might get a DNR done too - truly discuss this with mom - most hospitals upon admission make you do one for the patient and one will be in the stack of paperwork you sign.
Regarding her banking, you can get your name added onto her accounts as a signature and have the accounts POD. So that it shows her SS # as the owner. This does not need to be notarized. However, the bank should ask to see the DPOA and will scan it as an internal attachment to her accounts. Also I'd recommend just having 1 bank for all her accounts with direct deposit of her SS and retirement and on-line for you and whomever is the 2nd to have access to. This is really good if in the future the family gets all "you squandered mom's money" on you.
What you do NOT want to do is have any accounts co-mingled, what I mean by that is an account that you have your own $$ going into along with her SS check, annunity, retirement. If you need to apply for medicaid for her care - and I am in the camp that believes that if they live long enough they will need to go eventually into either LTC or SNF and will run out of $$ so will be applying for medicaid - if the money is co-mingled it is a real mess in her application. The money that is yours but in a shared account can be considered "her income" and can take her over the Medicaid monthly ceiling. All checks or transfers over $ 500 can be asked to be justified. (We were asked about 6 checks for $ 585 each, these were for her homeowners insurance. I had to go to the agent and get a letter done to clear this hurdle). So you need to keep everything legally separated. Remember the look-back is 5 years and lots can happen within that period of time.
If you are paying for things for mom's care - like her co-pay at the doctors office, or batteries for her hearing aid, or pay her property taxes, etc. you should keep track of it, if you ever want to be reinbursed. Now you might not need it now, but 1 or 2 unexpected medical situations can wipe out years of savings for all of us and it's just good finances to consider that.
Have you tried seeking relief with an adult day center? Your mom could have some fun with others, and you could get some time to yourself. Adult day care is very inexpensive compared to in-home nursing care, and your mom would be engaged and well supervised. www.nadsa.org will give you some centers near you.
Why not have a sibling meeting and get everyone's input? What does Mom want? What is best for her? What is best for you? Why do your wishes override your siblings? My Mother wants to go into a nursing home when the time comes, she says she doesn't want to stay with her kids. We have been very good to her but that is her choice. I think all siblings should have a voice, some seem to think only one sibling should run the show. If you take over, this could cause resentment. It always works out better when all have a voice. I speak from experience. No one likes it when one person just takes over, then some will naturally step out of the picture. Think about it.
I have a similar situation. I live with my mother and provide 100 % of her needs. My sblings want her in a nursing home, I think, because they are afraid I will ask them to help. As long as I am providing the care, I will make that decision when I am ready. I just smile when they bring it up and say okay. And I don't ask for their help. I wish you the best. Try to find a caregivers support group. Since I cam't talk to my family, they have been a wonderful outlet.
First of all, do you work and does your mother live with you now? If you are the primary caregiver, if she is competent and does not want to go to a nursing home, have her give you Power of Attorney over her Medical Needs and put your name on all her savings, Cds, etc. Get these notorized, This will give you the power to do what you feel in your heart is right and give your Mother Peace of mind over all this. She needs someone she can trust, BUT, make doggone sure you are ready and willing to be her Primary Caregiver and are able to withstand the ridicule and bad press you're going to get from your siblings. But, If your heart is right, you're doing the right thing by keeping her OUT of the nursing home and be there for her. Go to an attorney and take her will and HER with you and get these things worked out in writing. You're doing the right thing... God Bless
Sherrie: I know where you're coming from ... I moved from TX to PA to help my parents and it was me against 3 siblings who wanted to put them in a nursing home. On the one hand, I wanted them both to be able to live as independently as possible but the other side to that was the safety issue ... was I putting them in danger by moving forward with plans to care for them at home. Fortunately I found out about geriatric case managers who work independently or with an agency like the Visiting Nurses Association. I made an appointment with the geriatric case manager from the VNA and we met in my folks' dining room with them there. It took several meetings but with her help we were able to address the issues. That was two years ago and they're both still living at home with support. One of my sisters was genuinely surprised but happy that we could do this but the other sister and brother still can be a downer at times. Even though I don't want to see either of them go to a home, I understand that when or if ever it's not safe for them at home then we will need to consider the alternatives. Long story short, it helped tremendously to have guidance from a professional and we continue to seek her input whenever I feel like I've hit a brick wall. Take care and best wishes. Carol
SHERRIE, I am in the same situation as you. I CARE FOR MY FATHER WHO IS TOTALLY DISABLED AND DEPENDENT ON ME. I cannot phantomize putting him in a nursing home. I will take care of him until I cannot without the help of my sibiling( five to be exact). My father deserve better, even if my sibling will not help and yes I take very good care of him, The in-home care nurses is always complementing me on how good a job I am doing! I am not doing this for a pat on the back or even recogintion, I love my father and I think he deserves good care! and to igloo572 comment I DON'T THINK the nurses or employees in her mother's physician office would like to be called GALS! Get as much information as you can and maybe friends can help out and if your mother is a vetern's spouse there is a lot of help within the VA. GOODLUCK!
You really need to talk to someone face to face on what both your AND your mother's situation is. As everyone has said, it's so hard to give advice when we don't have enough information.
If you can find someone who doesn't have an interest in the situation, like someone with your local council on aging or perhaps the social worker at whatever hospital she has been at. The gal's who run the office at your mom's physician might be a good resource for who to talk to. Believe me they probably know several counseleors or social workers whom patients interface with. It will be good to have someone more impartial or non-judgemental than family, neighbors or close friends can be,
Mom might need to be evaluated by a social worker before she gets accepted in a facility IF you go that route. So you just might be ahead if you do this.
I think the statement "I just can't" needs to be looked at. Not only is there way not enough information in your story for other people to respond helpfully to it, but also you need to figure out what's driving you. Unexamined drives like trying to be a saint or acting out of fear for your own future (people bargain with the universe -- "I'll break my neck for someone else now and then someone else will do it for me" or whatever) can do a lot of damage, and not necessarily be the most generous thing for the person you think you're caring for. If you want to be kind, think about everyone in the picture. "Can't" is a dangerously black-and-white, and likely self-driven, kind of response.
Why do your brothers and sisters want mom in a nursing home instead of with you? Are you able to talk with them or are you all estranged? Is it just that THEY don't want to be a part of caregiving, or are they concerned about you? Those are 2 different issues. Can you talk with someone else honestly about the pros and cons of keeping mom with you? I help my dad take care of my mom (he's retired; I work full-time), and our position right now is that we can handle it, but wow, if it was all on me, I don't know. I think I would give it a try with paid caregivers, but I would not make my decision set in stone. I don't like institutional life, but I would not say I'll never consider it. It's not a black/white issue. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. I hope you and your siblings can work out your differences of opinion. Good luck.
Sherrie, do you have the financial stability to let her stay with you? Would it work out for her to stay with you and yours? Are you and your household committed to giving her all the care she will need? Do you have all the safety equipment around your home that elderly people need? She may be doing well for a couple of years yet, but later on things get complicated. If these answers are "no", just be there for her! Visit her every chance you get wherever she is.
My mom is in stage 5 alh. My sibling believe she should be put somewhere as well. But for as long as I can do and provide for her in her home I won't allow it.
See Sherrie309's comments in the thread "I feel like I am cracking under the pressure of caring for my elderly mother. I’ve given up my life and feel resentful. I need help." for background information which is toward the more recent comments on that thread.
Not having more information, what comes to mind is if you are willing to do everything required to take care of her at home then do as you wish.Not knowing your moms situation and how much care she needs it is up to you to decide if you can do this very hard, demanding,24/7 job. Wishing you well with your choice. Let us hear from you again
Without knowing the situation (your Mom's needs and finances) it's hard to offer any ideas. I will say though, I've reevaluated this question in terms of my Mother's recent failings. My personal thoughts at this time (and subject to change) would be to opt for round the clock caregivers as long as the medical situation doesn't require more trained staff and as long as finances are available.
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You are not alone. If your brothers & sisters are talking to you about this then they must be included in this. A family intervention, maybe, but if there are others, they have to step up too. Just because you are there they can't abdicate. It is a VERY hard decision to make and you don't need to do it alone. They have the same responsibility as you. I'm lucky, my sister died before Mom & Dad got bad, so the decision was mine entirely. Spread the wealth.
IMHO you should have mom do a DPOA, MPOA and guardianship in case of incapacity statement done- all allow for different aspects of her care to be done. All of these will have a primary person - which is you - and a secondary person - which ideally should be whomever approaches her care the same way you do and wants the responsibility. This should be done by an attorney who specializes in elder care law and who practices in the county where she lives or owns property. If you need her will to be done or a codicil added to update, they do that too.You might get a DNR done too - truly discuss this with mom - most hospitals upon admission make you do one for the patient and one will be in the stack of paperwork you sign.
Regarding her banking, you can get your name added onto her accounts as a signature and have the accounts POD. So that it shows her SS # as the owner. This does not need to be notarized. However, the bank should ask to see the DPOA and will scan it as an internal attachment to her accounts. Also I'd recommend just having 1 bank for all her accounts with direct deposit of her SS and retirement and on-line for you and whomever is the 2nd to have access to. This is really good if in the future the family gets all "you squandered mom's money" on you.
What you do NOT want to do is have any accounts co-mingled, what I mean by that is an account that you have your own $$ going into along with her SS check, annunity, retirement. If you need to apply for medicaid for her care - and I am in the camp that believes that if they live long enough they will need to go eventually into either LTC or SNF and will run out of $$ so will be applying for medicaid - if the money is co-mingled it is a real mess in her application. The money that is yours but in a shared account can be considered "her income" and can take her over the Medicaid monthly ceiling. All checks or transfers over $ 500 can be asked to be justified. (We were asked about 6 checks for $ 585 each, these were for her homeowners insurance. I had to go to the agent and get a letter done to clear this hurdle). So you need to keep everything legally separated. Remember the look-back is 5 years and lots can happen within that period of time.
If you are paying for things for mom's care - like her co-pay at the doctors office, or batteries for her hearing aid, or pay her property taxes, etc. you should keep track of it, if you ever want to be reinbursed. Now you might not need it now, but 1 or 2 unexpected medical situations can wipe out years of savings
for all of us and it's just good finances to consider that.
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and to igloo572 comment I DON'T THINK the nurses or employees in her mother's physician office would like to be called GALS! Get as much information as you can and maybe friends can help out and if your mother is a vetern's spouse there is a lot of help within the VA. GOODLUCK!
If you can find someone who doesn't have an interest in the situation, like someone with your local council on aging or perhaps the social worker at whatever hospital she has been at. The gal's who run the office at your mom's physician might be a good resource for who to talk to. Believe me they probably know several counseleors or social workers whom patients interface with. It will be good to have someone more impartial or non-judgemental than family, neighbors or close friends can be,
Mom might need to be evaluated by a social worker before she gets accepted in a facility IF you go that route. So you just might be ahead if you do this.
Good luck.