Our 98-year-old father has taken to "copping a feel" when he hugs us. How can we discourage this?

KATHARINE:

LOVED your post. Objective, understanding, compassionate, supportive. If that doesn't work I don't know what will. ... An inflatable doll? After all, he's still breathing and has feelings that need to be expressed.

I've been a bit under the weather, and your comment made me feel ... good. (Right now I can't put it in words because the NyQuil won't let me.) It's 2:23 pm. Bedtime. Again.

Cheerio my Lady, and thanks.

-- ED

98 years old- that's great! When one of my residents "cops a feel" I redirect the hand, or hold both hands (as suggested by the previous post). I try not to pull away from them, because I don't want them to feel shamed or rejected. Once the offending hand has been redirected, I might talk about their spouse with them- and I do continue to give them lots of hugs in ways that discourage their hands from traveling to unwanted locations. All of the people I work with have dementia, and it isn't that unusual for this to happen.

Sadly, I have found this behavior is not unusual in the elderly. However, this does NOT make it appropriate! A couple of things to consider... if you are the primary caregiver, are you noticing this as well as other signs of possible dementia. Sadly dementia diseases often attack the brain's center of propriety first, and a doctor may be able to help you with that.
Or...... possibly he knows very well what he is doing. In which case I would take control of the situation (and I have had this work) by giving a two handed handshake. That way, you are loving holding their hands, they feel the love and reassurance that your loved one needs, but also you are able to keep your body at a comfortable distance. You may also try guiding his hand through your arm as you walk, so that you may walk side by side, holding his hand / arm. And if these suggestions don't work. You may have to simply say, "i'm sorry, but I don't hug." Then reach out and warmly shake his hand and tell him, "But I still love you." Hope some of these ideas work for you!

There is a medication the Dr. could give for this. They give it in nursing homes sometimes. Cant remember the name of the Med. but sure his Dr. would. Hope this helped