My Mother lies about me, but she doesn't do this to my brother. Is this a symptom of early dementia?

It has been my experience with my own mother and now my sister that lying is often the easiest thing to do. I cannot impress those around me enough that my mother simply has no imagination. Zip. Zero. She cannot imagine anything outside of her own reality. Look up the word 'Solipsist' or 'Solipsism'. I am not sure whether this classifies as narcissism or not, but my entire family has been disfunctional since I can remember, it is just masked in very subtile ways. Also, my mother tends to "shut out" anyone who disagrees with or disappoints her in any way. Speaking the truth can do it, if you are being truthful with her it is probably that you do not agree with her unconditionally. Fortunately for me, I really am the more stable one of the family and have at least treated her fairly, so I have faired better than some, though this by no means living wilth her is comfortable. In reality, it is like living with a not-too-bright seven year old. As for my sister, lying has just been the easiest thing to do.

Parents do have favorites and as age advances the favortism seems to increase. Early onset dementia can make the propensity to have favorites increase. A comfort level can exist and if any thing, arguably increases. But, your mother may be vulnerable. The dynamics between your brother and your mother may be of interest. You may want to analyze a bit. While it is not abnormal for one sibling to manipulate a parent, doing so to a vulnerable parent for personal benefit is abusive. Try staying closer and more involved without being viewed in any manner confrontational. I would urge you to not discuss thoughts you may or may not have about your brother with your mother. A diagnosis requires a doctor. It sounds like you may not be able to pull that off. Be strong, endure and love your mother may be the best means to reduce the lying. Casually, watch your brother..............

I am the oldest of 5 (we range in age from 56-42). I live in SE., next oldest brother (clearly the favorite, acknowledged by all of us lives in the West Coast, and the other three literally within a few miles if not blocks of my parents in the Midwest). Unlike so many families, being the oldest means nothing in this family. In fact, I am really treated by my mother as more of her "competition" than her daughter (this has always been the case and she has said many nasty, untrue things about me to others in the family as well as outside of it). I have been castigated for not, for example, flying out to visit my brother during a time when I was a single mom supporting 3 kids and with little vacation time, but he has never been to see me! He has gotten a pass all of his life; different rules apply.
My mother is no doubt a person with NPD. She triangulates, is very dramatic, married my dad at 17 and he always babied and coddled her, she never worked in her life (ok, for about 6 months when they first got married) and likes to sing the praises of being a 'stay at home' mom but she had weekly cleaning ladies, tons of help from my grandmother and from me (she used to say she only had me to take care of the other kids and I really believe her!) and had a huge spending allowance just for her whims. My father indeed has created a monster and his version of loyalty has always been to 'side with my wife', leaving me vulnerable to her persecution whenever she sees fit. I have always had such an independent spirit and really never have trusted her (for good reason - I was very close to my grandmother, who felt always more like the mother she wasn't but she died when I was in my 30's so I have been verbally at my mother's mercy ever since). Both my parents like to bring up 'how much they helped' me when I was divorced and although I expected nothing and knew it was my job to take care of myself and my kids (my ex paid little child support - was self employed and played that to the fullest), they did help - a little bit. Nothing near really what I have done for my own kids with much fewer resources. In my opinion, this is just what parents do. I don't really know what they want from me! My mother is really downright hateful to me, and she manipulates her cry baby act so that now, after she instigated a fight and I told her to back down and laid down ground rules almost a year ago, she has most of my siblings telling me how much she misses me. She has always treated me differently, as if having someone to kick gives her the release she needs to be nice to everybody else.
I have heard from my siblings that they think she is 'losing it'. (I can only dream! Maybe she would be nicer!). I don't think so. She has never had to be responsible for herself or her actions and although I think she is getting a little more absent minded I would not say that I can notice anything more than being 'more of who she is'. She seems to still be an expert manipulator and her targets - usually me - and actions seem mostly pretty calculated.
I have a hardened heart toward her mainly for self protection. I don't hate her and if I were the only person left to care for her I would keep her safe, monitor her treatment in a nice place and visit her some times. But she has beat me to death emotionally to the point that I feel really nothing.

My mother, a life long A1 narcissist, has always lied. She would complain to me or my enabler father about someone hurting her and expect us to take that person to task while she sat back, played the victim, and enjoyed the show. In a NH, she lies to this day.

Last time I visited I took her some of those Laughing Cow little cheeses. When an aide came in she offered her one, which the aide declined ... they will accept nothing from residents. Said the aide "Oh, she's so sweet, she's always offering us stuff". In the meantime my mother is always whining that they steal her stuff, hurt her etc. Of course I totally ignore it. She only does it for attention and, even though she's had increasing dementia for years (recently starting to hallucinate) the evil manipulation is as strong as ever.

Hi Madge, I really feel for you! I am primary care taker of my Mother In Law and she lies about the silliest things... I am 99 0/0 sure that she has AD and we are having a real hard time getting a diagnosis. She can make things up so well that the Dr thinks she is just fine! It's really hard to explain how she does it.... When he questions her about specific information, she takes control of the conversation by diverting the focus on some phony scenario that sounds perfectly truthful to the Dr. (the big meal she cooked yesterday, showering on her own, excercises every day, picking out her clothes, dressing herself, driving her car etc...) Makes me crazy that he believes her! I am just the Daughter In Law who cares for her 24/7 and I know that she is incapable of doing any of these things... I am careful to gently express the real truth with the Dr and this infuriates her!
I have to work very hard on my attitude and mindset in order to remain calm and caring! I constantly remind myself that she is sick and in her mind, the things she says are her truth. It's a hard situation to deal with........ My heart & prayers go out to you!

Madge, Madge, Madge...
Take a long look at what you have written. You are going through something 'crazy' and don't have to torture yourself. The best thing is to let it go. Family issues always fall into the category of "Me". It is not about you. You have issues with your brother, your mother and your own self worth. Separate these and know you are a good person, doing the best & wanting the best for all concerned. Get off line and find a psychologist who specializes in geriatrics. This has been invaluable for me. It's a hard time and everything is at 6s & 7s.

Your comments have all been helpful to me as I have been the "evil one", run ut of town, come back to be her caregiver and am going for guardianship. My family hates me and mom at times does also, but I am doing the best that I can. When she is away from their influence she is more stable and kind. I know I have a rocky road ahead and I am totally stressed at times and alone. My court date comes up soon and I am trying to hang in there. Your comments have been amazing!

This is very typical of Dementia, sometimes the favorite can also become the one who is now resented by the parent and they now have issues and take it personal, this is the nature of the beast and like someone already commented, just take the highroad and let it go because it is not personal. Things are not going to get better so you need to prepare yourself for a tough road ahead and if you take everything personal you are not going to survive.

Madge, I feel for you. I have noticed that a relationship with a parent with any kind of dementia can go south in a hurry. If we (the caregiver) make a mis-step or displease/ anger the parent, the parent can suddenly view us in a very negative light----and it is irrational, not true at all. This is very difficult. Like others have said, do not take it personally. Try to learn to brush it off and ignore it. Just do the best you can, given the situation, and GOOD LUCK.

That was the first sign that we saw with my mother-in-law with her dementia. Because her son (my husband) is her caregiver, I think she felt that she had to hide the signs of dementia from him. With her other son, he is not a presence in her life, so she could pretend with him that everything was fine. When signs became apparent that she was ill, she started resenting my husband because he was seeing them. She started making him (or myself) the "bad guy". If she misplaced an item and we found it, she would accuse us of moving the item to make her "think she was crazy".

Your first priority is taking care of yourself, but understanding that it may be an illness that may be causing your mother to act this way. My mother in law has always been self-absorbed, but adding dementia to that has been very painful for us to deal with.

I wish you the best of luck.