I feel angry at my sisters for not helping me care for our mother who lives with me and my husband. I have no social life or couple life and I find this unfair. How can I cope with this crazy situation?

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. My older sister chose to have a family, so my mother was the caretaker and cleaned my sisters house to earn her keep. I chose to not have children so I wouldn't be a burden on anyone if times got tough. Now my older sister complains that she doesn't get any help from me. Well, times are tough and I let her know that I have offered to help how I could, with monthly payouts. I live five hours away and work full-time, and have a side business on the weekends to help earn additional money. I had a stroke and was advised to avoid high stress, also, I have sun / heat allergies where my throat swells up and my skin breaks out into rashes and I get a fever...so I cannot tolerate heat, so I live in a cooler climate. So, here we are. My sister and parents live in palm desert where it is easily over 100 degrees. I cannot relocate to help them there. At one point I offered to have my mom live with me but she did not want to live with me, probably because I am not well off like my older sister who is a shopoholic. So, if I were you, you should re-assess why you were the one who ended up caring for your mom, was it your choice to begin with? And, could you afford to help your siblings move closer to you? If your siblings are offering to have your mom live with them....to hell with her choice....she needs to move in with whomever is offering to care for her done, period, the end. You need to care now for your sanity....she shouldn't be picky about where she lives....besides, it would be good for her to have a different environment to live in. Once I purchase my home, I am inviting my mom to live with me...although she hates me and won't accept, but at least I offered and hopefully my older sister won't be such a b** about it all.

Your an awesome person for doing what your doing, Im not in your situation but
something similar happened in my family with my grandmother. You are doing the right thing. God bless you

iess This may sound harsh but I am telling you what I was told at the time my husband was too much for me to care for-you will have to rescue yourself-no one else will and the decision I made made me a stronger person-You need to tell Mom since she will not accept help from other the only option she has is to be placed otherwise you marriage will be down the tubes and you will be very sorry some day. Your Mom is being selfish and not considering your feelings at all-only hers. She can not continue to act as she is-and she will if she keeps getting her own way-if you read posts from other sites you will see nothing will change until you decide you do not deserve this-you deserve to have a good life with your husband.

JESS:

You don't say much about yourself (e.g., kids, etc.) nor about your mother's condition(s). If the problem is the distance, place Mom in AL where all of you can visit and share the responsibility. ... Plus you get to keep your husband. It isn't easy being married to 1/2 a wife. If he complains about it at least show him that you're trying to resolve the situation. ... Or one day you'll get a call from him saying he's not coming home. Fix the problem.

meant * his mom also

mr1fool...you made the decision to help your mother and they refused to do their share but in any case something should be left to them from their mom but to completely close them out of cuz their selfish ways will not mend the fences. my husband was a caregiver unpaid to his mom and his grandmother before his other siblings took over when he decided he need a life of his own...which is what we have...both original wills stated all monies would be left to him including the houses...well brother and sister duped grandma and their own mom changing the will while under heavy medication...to do this day we do not know if they were in sound mind but it seem to be a tactic to punish him for what he needed which was a break and a chance to cherish his life with me and the kids..His grandmother god rest her soul believed in me and said I would be one tough bitch ...how soon did that become true.. the dysfunction in his family is out of control... Now I am his caregiver and he is on ssdi and I am being paid as his aide but due to certain familial issues...husband is leaving everything to me and the kids....but as ur older u should consider how much of outrage this will cost them not having anything left over...also document everything and make sure everything is up to date...if they wanted to help her when her problems started they should of stepped in long ago...you are brave person to do this on your own....when time comes for u need help....find someone u absolutely trust to look after your own needs etc and if you do not trust ur sisters then do not look toward them to help u out there ....they have made their choice and you did not make it for them...stick true and and make ur decisions while talkign to your mom of course and getting an lawyer to finalize everything to ensure your protection and hers from sudden things springing out of the wood work...so you have my prayers :) Peace N God Bless

Iam a single male 59 and not married.I had my own place but my mother became ill and needed someone to take care of her,so I moved in her house,I have 2 sisters,one just moved to fl.and the other one lives just 3 miles away.My mother went and change her will giving me her house so now both sisters are mad and will have nothing to do with my mom are me.My mother has money in the bank under a payable unpon death with the 3 of us on it.Iam asking all of you who read this should my mother change the payable on death account and take them off of that.

I find this website like therapy. Its good to know that I am not the only one dealing with a situtation like this. I actually do have a friend who will help me out once in a while. I absolutely adore her for stepping in when she can. I am happy to hear that your mom likes to take care of herself! I love that. My situation is very, very different. My mom is a very negative person. She doesnt find happiness in anything. At times I feel like she hates me. I feel like she would much rather be with my older sister, who is her favorite but she lives too far away to go. My mother is scared of life. Scared of everything. She wont take medicines the way she's supposed to, wont follow doctor's instructions. All of this is based on fear. My situation with her is so frustrating. I am trying to find the positive side to this though, I am thankful that she's alive.

I lost my "old life" 7 yrs ago now (or is it 8 ..hmm). I know just how you feel. The biggest thing that upsets me is that my sister (two hours away) knows what's going on & chooses not to at least defend me to my mother when she DOES talk to her which is infrequently and quite surprising since she was mother's favorite.
Do you have any close friends that could maybe sit with your mom for an evening to watch a movie or something ? I have a dear friend from childhood who has graciously stepped in to run little errands or take mother to minor appts such as hair & manicures. She was always a very vain person, and at 86 she still is !! I've NEVER had a manicure, but mother was ready to call some elder abuse hotline because of it haha. I laugh on the outside but cry on the inside because it's such a hard situation. So if you have any friends you could ask, please do. It really helps. :)

Thank you for your thoughts. I sincerely appreciate them.

Honestly, I think there comes a time when the roles reverse, and you have to tell your mother what is best for her. You love her and want to take care of her, but you also need to be able to take actions that will allow you to have your own life. You might want to discuss a plan to share time with her with your sisters - maybe live 6 months with one and 6 months with another. You also need to explain to her that you have to get out. Tell her ahead of time when you are going somewhere, and remind her, so that she has time to prepare. Maybe something like, "Remember that I'm going to dinner tonight with friends. I'll be back at 9, and you'll be fine here until I get back." And then, unless she truly is unable to stay alone, stick to your plans. Also, if she is living with you now, you might want to look into help that can come into your house so that you can get out each day.

Helen- my mother wont seek therapy or any of that. I have tried to get her help and she wont accept it.. Also, I had to relocate to attend to her. It's not just my responsibility. I have a life too, we all need to make sacrifices.

Devil's advocate and please don't read this as criticism - are your sisters able to move closer to give you a hand? Are they working, in school, or married so that they cannot relocate easily? If they have asked your mother to move in with them, and she chose to stay with you, your request to have them uproot their lives to come aid you may not seem fair to them. Short term, see if you can get your mother evaluated for the depression/anxiety and perhaps some therapy or medication will get you some relief while you look into respite care. Helen

Thank you for your kind words...my mom has someone helping her a couple of hours a day where she lives. She is now living with us and that is an hour away from her home. Basically, I am the caretaker now. My sisters live 8 hrs away from me. I have asked them for help a million times and nothing seems to matter. They will come see her once every 4-5 months. They have asked my mother to move with them but she wont. I have asked my sisters to move closer where they can actually give me a hand with her but they wont. My mom suffers from depression/anxiety, so the moment I want to step out she is calling me. I cant seem to go or do anything. My life is on hold right now and I can't take it. I just want help!.

I feel your pain! I am 30, and prior to being married, my husband lived with his parents to take care of them (one with dementia, and one with MS). We now have our own place, but he still takes all of the responsibility. We have tried to push for his brother to help, but he and his wife are wrapped up in their own lives. You can ask your sisters for help, and explain to them how important it is to have time to yourself and with your husband. But ultimately, you can't make them help. I pretend that my husband is an only child, and I thank God that I have a man who steps up to responsibility. You are a good person, and you are someone who steps up and does what needs to be done. That's an amazing quality. Can your parents afford for someone to come in a few hours a day or week? You have to have a break or you'll resent them. How far away do your sisters live?