I have POA, am successor trustee of living trust, unpaid caregiver for Mom for 5+ years, and feel cheated by will. My mother is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. I am 37. I have given my all for 5+ years in order to keep my mother in her home, at the expense of my business, my life, and my friendships. I live with her in order to care for her 24/7, with exception of a break (thanks to a sister) every 2 or 3 days to tend to the house, yard, and go grocery shopping. I have three other siblings that do diddly squat, never call, come over once in a blue moon for maybe 1/2 hour, yet act like they are just waiting for pennies from heaven to fall. Is there anything that I can do to make sure that my HELPING sister and I are better compensated in the end (if there is anything) than the "do-nothings" of the family? My finances have been nearly depleted while they live it up on trips around the world. Is there anything I can do?
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p.s. There is no "compensation" for caregiving. You either do it or you don't. Hopefully, the Will will be compensation enough.
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luvmom - Great point on the old receipts! I noticed some old ones of mine doing the same doggone thing when I was looking through them. Isn't it terrible though? There should be a law demanding that receipts are printed in a way to stand the fade test of time. It's not like they were out in the open, sitting in the sun either.
I didn't know that a caregiver's contract could go towards a medicaid spend-down. I've read some horror stories on-line about that topic, so I hope it turns out well if we have to apply for it. Anyway, that's good to know. Thanks! So far, she makes enough from her SS and pension to pay for all of her living expenses, and minor repairs. There may come a day when a major house expense hits though. Property taxes have been creeping up too. I may have to invest whatever is paid to me in some good paying dividend stocks, in order to help with these things that may arise down the road. Thanks all & God bless!
Luvmom
I do realize though, that there may come a point in time (to answer cmagnum) where Medicaid will need to take over and take care of Mom long term (hopefully short term) nursing home needs. Of course, Medicaid will see what I am being paid (once I look into that) as being gifts, meaning that Mom will be inelligible for Medicaid until the amount of those "gifts" are paid for her nursing home care when the time comes. As I understand it, they can also put a lien on the house, but can't collect on it because I'm living here, that is, UNTIL I sell the home or move out later on. When I see the elder lawyer, I will probably need to discuss a "Life Estate", which keeps the state's hands off of the house. No, she doesn't have long term care insurance, and I never made any promises. I should also clarify though that I gave up MOST of my business, but not all. I am currently able to pay for my personal needs such as groceries and such out of what little I am still able to bring in. It all really boils down to how much the only helping sister and I can take, and how bad Mom gets. The longer that we can keep her out of a long-term nursing home with Medicare getting involved, the better. I may need to move in with sister (the one who helps me with Mom) after all is over with until I can get back on my feet. Hopefully, my health will still be good by that point, since all of this has really taken a toll on me, especially with having to help Mom with bathroom issues all throughout the night when she tends to be more uncooperative. That's about all I can hope for at the moment in the long run.
Luvmom - I completely agree with you, and will plan on seeing an elder attorney as soon as I can. I have kept very good records concerning all that my one sister and I have done for my mother and her home.
LillyLu - Please post your question again as a new question to the main part of the message board here: https://www.agingcare.com/Community . Maybe more people will see it that way and be able to help. May God help you with what you are going through, dear. It sounds like a very tough time for you.
My day of reckoning was when I was operated on and was supposed to bedrest. I had throat surgery and wasn't supposed to talk!Both siblings knew of my surgery but none lended a hand. I even asked. I was shot down, they were too busy. So, I managed to take care of mom, straining to talk and dealing with pain from not taking pain meds(I was afraid I would fall asleep and she would wander away or get hurt) I set myself up for a longer recovery period cause I couldn't rest! Well that was the wake up call that I needed. I did need compensated for caring for mom. Thats basically when siblings and I had our "outs". I had every right to be peed off. They only cared when I spent "moms" money to fix up house. Siblings have tried there darnest to get me in trouble with threats and trying to turn me into protective services. But I keep track of everything! So nothing they can do!!
I sometimes look in the mirror and think to myself, who am I??? The person I was and who I am now are so different. My marriage is barely surviving. I have no friends no family, just me mom and hubby and kids. My hubby and I enjoyed doing things. We no longer have that extra money or the time away from mom. Yeah, I do get a little respite from mom once in a while at local PCH. However, when she goes there I usually have a full plate of errands, housework. I never get that "ME" time I used to have. My kids are starting to act out(especially the teenager). Our kids want to spend more time at there "other" parents homes more than ours. I don't blame them. We don't do anything together anymore. I have my mom my #1 priority above all.
Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs out there. I thought when I first started looking after mom it was going to be just like anyother home health job I did!!! Boy, was I in for a surprize!!! There is no 9-5 shift with weekends and holidays off!! Mom needs 24/7 care. No more hanging out and having a few drinks with friends, or going on an all day shopping spree!!!! Caregiving is "priceless" how can one actually put an hourly wage on stress your body takes mentally and physically along with the caregiving??
I don't care at this point was others think of me, especially siblings. I know what goes on here in this home. I only answer to god if my intentions are not in the purest form taking care of mom. I enjoy spending those good days with mom, those are memories I will always remember. My siblings are the ones missing out on mom.
Joanne you do what you feel in your heart you need to do!!!! Don't worry about others!! Remember if they were in your shoes they would probably want the same thing about compensating. You need to pat yourself on the back for the sacrifice you made to be selfless enough to drop everything in your life for your mom. Your a good person!! Hang in there!
If you've given up everything to care for a loved one, you don't want to be kicked out on the street when they pass before their body is even cold. (It's happened to a friend of mine.)
Don't let others play the "greed card" on you! This is also about taking care of yourself!
I figure, what do you need to live on for 6 months to a year while you get back on your own feet?
If you and your sister are doing the majority of the care, please look into this with a lawyer because it was the best thing I ever did.
I'm wondering if a notarized contract between my mother and I would be enough, in order to be paid for her care, or if the siblings would need to sign as well to avoid conflict? I worry though about Medicaid being needed later, which might see all of that money paid to me as being a gift. I guess the safest thing to do if I were to be a paid caregiver, would be to keep it in a separate account of mine, and not touch it until after we see if Medicaid will be needed or not. Maybe I should consult with an elder lawyer...
In terms of changing how to divide up her assets, getting a new will and/or living trust made up through her living trust lawyer would be very costly, unless something like an amendment would be enough, and if it could be done without having to drag Mom in to the lawyer's office. I just wonder about it ever being contested though, considering her current frame of mind, if my family isn't happy with the changes. Maybe before going that route though, I should sit down with my family with my documents that show everything my one "helper sister" and I have done for Mom, and see if we can agree to some kind of percentage basis of how to divide up the proceeds of the estate, if there are any in the end.
@bpryor01... Thank you. Your prayers are much appreciated, and I will pray for your situation as well. Hang in there!
...and to anyone: No, it certainly isn't about greed. It's about fairness. All of my siblings still have a responsibility to their mother as long as she is still alive. They have been told repeatedly that they need to do more to take the burden off of me, yet they refuse to do it (except for one, who does help to a certain degree). The others won't even call to check up on her and ask her how she is doing. To top it all off, a couple of them live just a stones throw away. There is no excuse for their behavior, and once Mom passes, you can bet they will be over here lickety-split, seeing what they can get their hands on. There is a very real chance that I may end up homeless after I'm done caring for Mom, as I have given my all. I'm sorry, but that is not acceptable to me. The "dividing things up equally" part was put into the will well before anyone knew that I would have to give up my life and my business, and the will or trust should have been changed long ago. God bless all of you who are in my shoes.
So why do I do this? Same reason as you. I love my Mom and I want the very best for her.
You could try to find a geriatric social worker to see if there are any programs in your state that would help financially, or at least help with respite care.
There's always the ultimate reward in the end... God will reward you, and if you aren't a believer in him, I hope you don't mind, but I'll be praying for you.
happen and you look back you will thankful you could do what you could do. You have a long time ahead of you yet to re-build the things you have lost. Please be patient.
If you make changes to her will, be ready for lots of flack from the absentee sibs after the will is read. I have cautioned my mom against making changes to her will just for this reason. It is bad enough to do all this for her then have to deal with greedy family afterward.
PS: do not pay out of pocket for her care...she should be paying for her own personal expenses.
Good luck.