What should I do if my mother and I are butting heads over my grandmother’s care?

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C

Cocobee Asked May 2011

What should I do if my mother and I are butting heads over my grandmother’s care?

I've had about enough of my situation. It's been pretty stagnant lately, as my sisters and I care for my grandma when we come home from college/ work, and my mom is supposed to wash/ change her diaper and feed her before going to work at noon. I've now realized that most of the days my little sister is caring for her morning routine and my aunt (who is in cancer remission) is feeding her in the morning. Sometimes my mom does it.

I got really angry a few days ago when I got home at 7 PM and found that my grandmother had been in her dirty diaper since 11 PM the last night. My mom was supposed to change her but said she had to rush to work although she woke up at 10 am and works at 2 pm.

I was livid and confronted her. If she can do her hair and makeup, why couldn't she at least change the diaper??? She expects her elderly cance patient sister to do it? This is not the first time I've come home to a soiled grandma. It happens at least once every two months or more. I'm a nursing student and therefore a mandated reporter and I reminded her of this and all hell broke loose. She's making this all about her and calling me ungrateful and brought up a lot of other family issues. All I want is for my grandma to be cared for correctly. She even gets paid to care for her but she is not doing it, we are. I am fine with helping, but I am not fine with what happened.

This is definitely making my whole family miserable. So what can I do? My mom will not let up with the guilt trips and making me feel like I am wrong and she is always right. I've always bent to her will but this time I am really torn. I feel morally obligated to do something. If she can't care for my grandma then she needs to be in a home.

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score 1 · Answer 1

In my opinion, you are right. Your grandma needs proper care. What is the paid care doing if they aren't there to change her and make her comfortable?
There are a lot of people involved in Grandma's care - family plus paid care. Maybe you need the paid care there more often, or else Grandma needs a nursing home and you can all visit often. You aren't likely to change your mom, but a third party may - just may - help. She's using family dynamics to bully you. If you get a friend or clergy person to talk to your mom, if may help. But in this case, it sounds as though your family has more serious issues. Care for Grandma is a priority - you're a good nursing student and granddaughter.
Good luck,
Carol

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score 1 · Answer 2

Is it possible to take your mom out of the loop? If you have resources to pay your mom, maybe you should direct them to someone else. How about another nursing student? it sounds like you are trying to take good care of your grandma. Family relations can be miserable in these circumstances. There is nothing to be resolved by being angry at those who can not or will not take responsibility. It just drains you. If your grandma is not being cared for she does neet to be in a home. As you know if her skin breaks down that would be miserable for her. I hope you find some answers.

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score 1 · Answer 3

It seems you've answered your own question, " If she can't care for my grandma then she needs to be in a home."

Sounds like grandma needs round the clock care or someone available for 24/7 monitoring. What can grandma do for herself? If the answer is she can do very little and is dependent on others, then unless you are willing to be the one 24/7, you should start to look into long term care facilities for her. Meet with gran's
physician to go over what her health status is and what facilities might be best suited for her needs.

Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. Your mom may just be over doing that aspect of her life.

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score 1 · Answer 4

I agree you have answered your own question. Most likely Grandma needs to be in a home. But don't look to harshly at your Mom. Not everyone can be a caregiver. It takes a very special person with a big heart. Talk to her Doctor . Find out if she could function in an ALF or if she requires a Nursing Home.

Obviously you are one of the special people who can be a caregiver. I also think you will be a great nurse. Hope you go into geriatrics.

Good Luck to you and your family.

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score 1 · Answer 5

Yeah if your mom has poa you don't want to step on her toes. And you probably don't want the reprocussion and bad feelings that would result in your turning her in. You don't want your mom to have more stress than she already has,saying your mom is abusing your grandmother is a serious accusation that you would need to be sure you could prove. I understand you feel that your mom dosnt put in her full share and she should. That being said try to put yourself in moms shoes, she dealing with a dying mother and it appears multiple children living in the home going to work/school empty nest stress,trying to hold a job in this economy. Also dealing with hired help and all of her financial, she has plenty. Please try to be supportive and understanding.

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score 1 · Answer 6

COCO:

Bottom line is that your Mom isn't living up to her responsibilities and the expectations of others -- especially yours.

Don't allow her to flip the script on you, but do it respectfully. After all, she's your mother. Stand your ground and speak out for someone who's practically helpless and unable to fend for herself.

There's no denying caregiving is a battlefield that often pits family members against each other over what the best course of action should be. I would, however, have a private heart-to-heart with your Mom. Don't, under any circumstances, argue with her (or anyone else) in your grandmother's presence. She'll blame herself for all the bickering that threatens to tear the family apart.

Good luck my friend, and keep us posted.

-- ED

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score 1 · Answer 7

Stack the diapers up right next to her bed...stack them high in plain sight.
Large label: Change at 11:45 a.m. 2:00 p.m. 6:00 p.m. 10:00 p.m. (0vernight diaper).
New day: Change at 7:00 a.m. Give liquid at this change.

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score 1 · Answer 8

Since you can not move out at this time I think you need to have a family meeting for all the family members who are doing the care weekly to start with and assign jobs so all the hours she needs assistance will be covered and if possible each one needs one day off and see how it goes if this does not solve problems you may have to find somewhere else to stay until you graduate and let the others deal with it and you consentrate on school.

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score 0 · Answer 9

Dont be to hard on mom, cargiving is very stressfull, she may be in a slump when this happenes every 2 months or so. Maybe those are the days you and sister can give her a little extra help, it sounds like little sister is doing just that,and there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with mothers sister helping wither if she is able. You might set down with mom in a calm manner, when this happens again, let her know you see she may be under a lot of pressure. Working along with cargiving is tough. As you know how tough it is going to school and helping. Ask if maybe you can help her come up with a solution, maybe get things a little more organized concerning who does what when. If grandma is maying mother to care for her, can your mom afford to stay home for a while?Your grandmother is lucky to have so many people helping her, many people do this alone. Im assuming your mom is the one that has some sort or poa for your grandmother. If that's the case you don't want to step on moms toes by taking her to the dr. Without mom. Also,yes you are mandated as a proffesional to report things but don't use that against your mom. The last thing you want is a social worker coming in messing with grandma. Unless grandma is truly being abused(sounds more like burnout than abuse) you don't want that trouble. Grandma not getting changed is a problem,but it occasionaly does happen,esspecially in nursing homes where you often have 6 people at a time caring for 75 residents.

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score 0 · Answer 10

The thing is my mom rarely does anything and my sisters and I do most of the work. It's only once or twice a week that my mom has to care for my grandma and she doesn't even do it sometimes. That's what gets me angry.

My grandma defintely is a full care patient and will once in a while feed herself. Other than that everything is scheduled. It feels like I have to choose between having my grandma cared for improperly or enrage my mom by sending grandma and her money to a care home (and probably get kicked out of the house).

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What should I do if my mother and I are butting heads over my grandmother’s care?

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