Why does my mom listen to her aides more than her own daughter?

What is the condition for which your mother needs care? You mentioned getting up during the night and not being able to do that alone. Does she have trouble walking? Why does she need someone to give her the pills? Does she have memory problems? I don't have a very clear idea of what impairments your mother is dealing with that she needs you and aides to take care of her. I think that would make a difference in how your set boundaries.

I suggest this: you cannot function at your best being awakened four times night after night. No matter what kind of SuperCaregiver you are, you can't do that. OK, maybe we could do it for infants, but we were MUCH younger then, and we knew it would only last a short while, and soon it did become 3 times, then 2 times, and halleluia! they slept through the night. You are not likely to get younger and your mother is not likely to start sleeping through the night (at least not without intervention) so please consider an overnight shift of aides, at least several nights a week. Also, have you discussed with her doctor any means of helping her sleep without getting up so often? I suspect that you will be able to take your mother's annoying behavior in stride better if you are not dealing with it sleep deprived.

Its not because she is your Mom, it is because YOU are her daughter! and quite frankly it doesn't matter if you are 70 years old or 15 you will ALWAYS be her daughter and she is supposed to be the caregiver. I have found that in both my professional (social wkr, nsg hm adm, and as a daughter taking care of my Mom) that even the siblings all had different roles. As the youngest, I could get my Mom to do a little more, but then with my Grandmother it was all her oldest grandaughter, my sister that could do more. Find respite in that you can let go of that responsibility of giving meds and let it go to the aide. Be the daughter any opportunity you can and enjoy it. We all know the difficulty of that role melting away.

A friend once told me that a mother will not listen to anyone's whose diaper they use to change, lol. There may be something to that. My mom does the same thing and it drives me crazy. I finally decided it's simply because they know they can act up and we'll still love them. Others might not.

It's human nature to 1 - want to help and 2. be more polite to our "non-relatives". I see this sort of behavior all the time and it's one of the reason we hire care givers. Patients behave better for someone who's not family. The aides, nurses and docs represent a position of authority. WE are always going to be kids to our parents... My mom gripes and gripes to me about her nursing home but when the social workers ask her directly, away from me - she tells them everything is fine.

LUD:

If the same aides were there well before you got laid off, chances are Mom sees you as some sort of interloper trying to give her orders. But I don't think that's the case.

Caregiving drained you, so you hired some help which your Mom might have interpreted as if you didn't want to be bothered with her. Now you're out of work and want to help, but this can be construed as if you're doing it out of obligation.

Perhaps you feel a bit guilty for not being there for her as much as you wanted or promised while you worked; but that's water under the bridge now. Yet instead of having a candid heart-to-heart chat to clear the air without recriminations, however, a silent tug of war seems the path of least resistance.

Holding grudges isn't going to solve anything at this point, because this isn't about your mother's care. It's about finding a way to care for each other.

Best of luck my friend.

-- Ed

It comes down to control, as wuvsicecream says. And I agree 100% with Ladeeda that she'll do this to you, and not the aides, because the aides won't take it. Daughters don't give medication; professionals do. It's got to be so hard on these formerly authority figures to become a patient at the mercy of everyone. If you can, gently tell her that you are glad she has aides she can trust to keep things straight, and that she has you to just love her. Those of us who are one of the "aides" see this happen... it's uncomfortable for us, too! Take heart - and feel free to get some overnight respite care whenever you can. I know about getting up 4 times a night. Your days are NEVER right when you do that. I do overnight shifts - my client's family would never do what I do!

My Mom did same type of thing. My Mom at first need of 24/7 care I became her caregiver. She was diagnosed with cognative impairment dementia. Therefore I was "her brain" or whatever she was lacking I needed to do for her or assist her. At first she accepted the situation or at least conformed to the new way of life. I believe at first it was accepted because she enjoyed the security and company and the way I spoiled her. Like a vacation at her daughters house almost. Then over time she acted more like a 2 year old not wanting to be told what to do. Then she started reminding me that, I was her daughter, not her Mother. I think in all her confusion she knew roles were reversed and it wasn't natural. The natural balance was shifted, so in order to gain a bit of control, she was trying to gain it back. In your heart you know you are only trying to do what's best for her, so don't beat yourself up. Try not to take it personally she's really rejecting you because you care and she knows no matter how she treats you that you will never give up. Any caregiver going through this rejection should take it as a compliment.

Sounds like to me that she knows it is ok to talk to you and treat you the way she does, knowing an aide would not tolerate it very far if she does not have Alz/ dementia. Learned a long time ago people treat us the way we have taught them to treat us.has she always been this way with you? IF so, she may not change it, you will just have to learn to set boundaries and stick to what you say you are going to do. For instance,taking her meds, If isn't something it would kill her to do without until the aids get there, let the aides give it to her. Just say it very calm, "Ok mom, we can wait until the aide gets here". If she gives you a hard time, then say well, take it then, but start off very calm, if you feel yourself getting angry just walk out for a few minutes. That is just an example, but think about what you want to say , stick to it no matter how she acts, and either of two things will happen, she will only get her meds when the aides are there, or she will eventually see you do not intend to keep being . treated like that.
And if you are expecting gratitude, and she has never shown that before, she is not going to do it now. Most of us do this because we want to, regardless of the problems. And you do have the right to say no, you will not take care of her. Then you check into Assisted Living for her, and she can know that is what you are doing. If she does not want you to help her and she needs constant care, then let her realize you have options.
None of it easy, wait and see what others have to say, or go to the :Grossed out" thread and post again if you do not get any replies.
I dont know if any of this was helpful or not, if you have any more questions, please ask, and vent all you want. That is what this sight is for, beside giving us a lot of information, it is a safe, non judging atmosphere for us to have our feelings. Every one here understands. Some have faced your issue. We are here to help. Let us hear from you.... hugs to you and thanks for the extra info....

She takes meds for her Blood Pressure, Cholesterol, a water pill for water retention and some other meds........In general, she is sweet as pie to her Aides and treats me like I don't do enough for her. I take her to Doctors, get her groceries, do her bills etc etc. etc. We started getting her Aides because it is just draining me. She gets up 4 times during the night and cannot get up by herself so I have to get up when she does and help lift her.

You didn't specify what your moms health issues are. Please give us more info and maybe we can help. I don't want to give a bunch of random answers that would not help you... thanks for posting, we'll help if we can... hugs