My mom is out of control so I plan on moving her into assisted living. I just submitted the Medicaid forms, but is there anything I can do to speed the process up?

I can not begin express how much I appreciate all of your support and encouragement! I was hesitant to even post about my situation, but I am so glad that I did, because I know now that I'm NOT alone.

I couldn't even begin to understand what Caregivers go through each and every day until now... It is emotionally draining and completely heart breaking. I have the utmost respect and appreciation for each and every one you.

HUGS,
Tiffany

wow that is horrible...I feel sorry for you...I am going thru a lot of the same stuff...but yours is so much younger......

Hang in there, hotpinktulips! Having a heart-to-heart and her agreeing to you attending the appointment was progress, even if it didn't go as far as you intended. Don't let up. Go on the rescheduled appointment. Bring clean-up and change supplies. It will be hard, but you can probably get her clean enough to continue with an appointment.

I can see why you'd be furious. This is NOT going the way you want it to, and you are trying so hard. Grrrrrr... I could be wrong, but I highly doubt that your mother is having the bathroom episodes deliberately, at least at a conscious level. That doesn't make it easier for you, I know. I wonder if her incontinence of bowel is related to her barriatric surgery and her overeating now? (Which leads to the question of why she is overeating, I know.)

I have a bi-polar brother and a husband with dementia. Something that has helped me immensely to deal with them both is to learn as much as I could about their specific conditions. It surprised me and gave me a different perspective to read that some of my brother's very aggravating behaviors are common among people with his condition. That doesn't mean I am not trying to help him overcome those behaviors, it just removes the personal element. He isn't doing this "to me." He is doing this because some circuits are haywire in his brain. If you can find out more specifically what your mother's diagnosis is and then read up on it, that might make it easier to detach from her behavior. Might. But there is no magic. It is hard, hard, hard to live with people with mental disabilities.

Meanwhile, continue with your plans to establish a new household for you and hubby. Sacrificing your mental health for your mom's won't fix anything. I can see that you are not abandoning her and you are trying to set something helpful to her in montion. Do your best and give up the guilt.

Blowout could be medication side effect too. I had a blowout once when I tried a new diabetes medication. My Mom and I were at JcPenny. I left her in the wheelchair in the middle of an aisle and raced to the bathroom. Too late! LOL! I was horrified. Mom laughed and laughed. In retrospect, it was hilarious but at the time I felt so terrible and embarrased and mortified and dirty. I'm sure your mom feels that way too. My heart goes out to your Mom and to you. I at least was able to clean myself in the stall and dispose of my underwear so no-one could tell. Can't imagine what I'd have done if it had gone through to my jeans.

My mom is also a large woman (350 pounds), so she can't really clean herself. I'll definitely start packing her a bag with wipes and extra clothes/pull-ups. Thank you for the reply.

I'd say take a bag with wipes and a change of pants or two. I wonder if she is more likely to have a blowout when she gets nervous. They do not normally do colostomies for incontinence. I have to admit I dread that happening with my mom, because she is large and not mobile and it would be hard to clean her up in most restrooms! (She uses adult disposable briefs though because she can't always tell when she has to go.)

So I had a heart to heart this morning with my mom and asked if she would be ok with me going to her Psychologist appt this afternoon and after a lot of tears she agreed. But once we got there she exploded in the bathroom and came out with poop all over the back of her jeans! I was so embarrassed and had to reschedule her appt. I think she needs a colostomy bag, because this happens 2/3 times we go somewhere. =( I am so furious right now.

Your Mom is too young for a NH. An ex sister-in-law of mine was bipolar and she goes through hell and back when she needs a medication adjustment. She's been in and out of mental hospitals when all she needed was medication adjustment. I hope you talk to her doctors and discuss options before placing her in a facility. I think with the right medications she could get herself under control and begin to live her life again.

Best wishes for you and your family!

The most common antipsychotic meds cause absolutely awful increases in appetite - and worse still, tend to produce insulin resistance leading to diabetes. There are other choices for true bipolar disease. She may be having sleep apnea or other reasons for poor slep also. And if she does not see the problem or tell the doctors what is really going on they may assume all is well on the current medication routine. If you can get a POA and talk to her docs, or go with her to appointments, you may be able to help get her on a better medication plan. This is one tough situation...

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. If your mom is bi-polar and schizophrenic she may not need any other conditions to act as she is. When was the last time her meds were evaluated? Is she taking them as directed? She needs a thorough medical evaluation and then she needs to follow a treatment plan. Unfortunately although that is what she needs, I don't see how you could make it happen when she doesn't think anything is wrong. I think it would help to help Social Services involved. Here is what will not in any way: you having an emotional meltdown. One mentally ill person in the household is one too many. Even if your mother won't take care of herself, you must take care of yourself. And that means not shouldering this impossible responsibility alone. Presumably your father tried and he couldn't do it. It takes more than love and perseverence (although those help) to deal with mental illness. Do not feel guilty. Sad, yes -- guilty, no. Get a professional involved. I truly, truly hope that you can get your mom back, or at least improve her quality of life. Ultimately you and your husband need to build your own life. When you talk to Social Services, please look into what counseling is available for you. You certainly deserve it.

Any mental illness -- dementia, bi-polar disroder, schizophrenia -- doesn't happen just to one person, it happens to the entire family. Get all the support and help you can. Start with social services.

Good luck, and come back to let us know what is happening.

It sounds like your mother either is not taking her meds correctly or they need adjusting. At 51, she is not going to qualify for medicaid unless she has been declared fully disabled. Please, if she becomes a threat to herself and or to others, then dial 911 and have her involuntarily committed. Who has medical and durable POA for her? You sure have one gross multifaceted situation. I wish you well.

Thank you BonnieO. I definitely have some gross things I could vent about sadly.

Grossed out is at the top of the page...it says Grossed Out Need to Vent Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair. Grossed Out has experience caregivers who have been there, done that....you should check it out.

Thank you for your reply 195Austin.

She will not go to the ER because she feels there isn't a problem, and I will not force her. She needs tough love but I just can't do it. I think a call to Social Services is the best thing to do for now. =( Especially if they can get things moving faster.

And you're right my dad should't have left her in her condition, but now I understand why now... he felt helpless. He's been dealing with this for 8 years now and none of us in the family had a clue how bad it was. I am so very sad that this is the way things have ended up and am on the verge of a mental break down. I just wish I could have my mom back. =(

What is the Gross Out Site?

You could call social services because you will need to meet with them anyway-make the appointment tomarrow and when you call tell them the situation-you might want to try to get her into a nursing home-she can go in medicaide pending and the social worker at the nursing home can speed things up because they want to get their money as fast as possible-I may be wrong but she may not get into an assisted living place because of her not taking care of herself and not being safe living alone. One thing you may be able to do since she is out of control is to take her to an ER and tell them you plan to move and she can not be on her own and a social worker will asses her and since she is not divorced her husband is really responsible for her at this point and his monies should be used to care for her-it sounds she wants care but does not want to or is unable to cooperate with boundaries-she is acting like she is because of her mental health problems and it should not be your job to fix her -her husband really left an unstable person alone-it is his problem-he should be reported to APS, If you accept taking care of her-you will be very sorry-read some of the posts on the Gross out site.