How do I calm down my mother who is demanding that she wants to go home to her mother that passed away 30 years ago?

When I read posts like yours, teemel1, I usually have 2 reactions: Empathy for the poster -- you are truly in a very, very hard situation, and sympathy for the parent. I often think, "I hope I don't get like that in my old age." People with dementia did not chose to have it, and anyone could get it. I don't ever want to behave to any of my children the way your mother behaves toward you. But what if I can't help it? Oh my, it is distressing to think about.

If I consider what I'd want my kid to do in your situation, the first thing that comes to mind is "calm me down!" Don't dope me up and forget about me, but do explore the drug options available, preferably with a geriatric psychiatrist or a doctor very experienced with dementia. I would not want to behave that way. If there is some means of correcting the imbalance in my brain to help me be more like me, I would want to try that.

Meanwhile, you have to do what you have to do. If that means sharing the responsibilities with other family members, then that is what you have to do, whether mom protests or not.

I agree with the answers above you might just have to walk into another room for a period of time she will yell and screem probably but that may be what is needed to calm her down, Naheaton good to see you here. Also it is probably time for meds as Katergran has suggested.

I agree, for both of your sakes, you need to find some type of respite care. Your mom clearly trusts you above other family members, but that type of singular dependency isn't healthy for you; no one person can provide 24/7 care. Undoubtedly she will object at first but you need to do this for the both of you. My mom often asks for people that are long gone, her mother, sisters, etc, and becomes very angry that supposedly no one told her when they had passed away, which of course isn't true. It's impossible to have a rational discussion with her on the topic,or try to argue about it, so I sometimes find it's best to just leave the room for awhile until she has forgotten why she was angry. If your mom stays angry for days at a time, I would urge you to speak with her doctor and see if there is something he/she can prescribe to calm her down. My mom had the exact same issues you mention, and I found that having her on a small dose of anti-anxiety meds and visiting an adult day health program two days a week has made a major difference in the quality of life for both of us. I wish you the very best and hope you are able to find some solutions.

Can you put her into a respite room at an asst. living facility for a week or so? She will kick and scream probably, but it might be good for the both of you to take a break from each other.