How do I get my normal healthy life back after caring for my brother who was overdosed by his wife and out in a nursing home on “lock down?”

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rosebud11 Asked May 2011

How do I get my normal healthy life back after caring for my brother who was overdosed by his wife and out in a nursing home on “lock down?”

My brother was overdosed by his sorry wife in 2008 and put him into a nursing home as incompetent, & in lock down. His son & I got him out and his son kept him for 6 months and weaned him off Risperdal completely. He does well living in my home for past 2 1/2 yrs. He has major speech delay problems, cannot take care of meds, cook, drive, anxiety attacks sweating and too weak to stand up sometimes. I take care of all his business, money, drs appts and everything. He has 3 adult children who never come to see him or do anything at all for him. I had to take early retirement in 2007 because my mother was bed ridden with strokes. She passed away Dec. 2010. My step father was / is a wonderful loving man and took care of mom so lovingly every day for 3 1/2 years. Now he is 92 and not doing well. Hospitalized for 7 days recently after doing so well. Now he is in a rehab ctr / nursing home hopefully to regain his strength to walk and get around some. I go 25 miles to see him 3 times a week and spend hours with as I had promised my mom I would stand by his side. He is a brilliant and wise man even today. It breaks my to see him going down hill so fast. I have one daughter, she is married with 3 beautiful children. The youngest is almost 12 yrs old and has special needs. I work with my children about 15 to 20 hrs per week. The bottom line is I am sorry for my brother and feel guilty but I just cannot go on living this way. I am so young at heart and mind, I would like to enjoy some retirement life before it is too late in life. I simply have no valuable time in my life to just sit down and enjoy ANYTHING. My once loved condo where I had friends and a normal life is never here anymore. Basically my brother sits in one chair in my living area 9 out of 12 hrs EVERYDAY. This is what I look at all the time when I am working my brains out with everyone's paperwork, dr call, refilling prescriptions and reaching medical on my computer. I did start going to therapy for a couple months and now I can't do that. there is simply no time for myself. I am like a child with everyone else taking all my time. I CANNOT enjoy my own home. I always loved and enjoyed my own personal time and space to relax. My grandchildren miss spending the night with me because life with them is not the same when someone is sitting here at every breath of my life. I am to the point I cannot continue to live this life. How can I get my life back?? I pray for guidance every day of my life for God to show me the way. I am tired and my children are worried to death about me because they know I am miserable. Is anyone one out there that has ever dealt with the opposite sex sibling living in a small condo together. Please someone out there please read this and give me any feedback. PLEASE!!! HELP!

Family Caregiver

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score 0 · Answer 1

Yes and if I keep him there and my mother leaves I basically lose my family, which i could careless with regards to my sisters but my mom. I guess my father is not a state where he will not know..and he has made it clear if I do that he will never speak to me again. The social worker at the ALF tried to talk to them but no avail..they said let them go and be there to pick up the peices when it all falls apart. they are having home health care come in their home. So I need to get some backbone in the near future for there is coming a day where I am going to put my foot down and do what they will all not like. I am going to counseling..and yes I seem gutless..that is the structure of my family, the reason I moved away years ago but they all followed. So I am going do what is demanded right now as all the medical professionals are saying the same thing, let them go for a bit. Which in a way makes no sense either. I don't know what the right thing to do at this point.

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score 0 · Answer 2

If your father has dementia and is not competent to make his own decisions and you have POA, I don't see how your sisters can take him out of the ALF. Your mother, however, may be free to make her own decisions, even if she is manipulated by your sisters. Have you talked to the social worker at the ALF?

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score 1 · Answer 3

I just place my parents in a beautiful assistant living home. They have been there almost three weeks. My father has dementia and came home from a nursing home two weeks ago. My oldest sister has stayed with them and against all medical advice she is agreeing with my mom to take them out and go home. My sisters are underminding everything I am trying to do for my parents. My dad doesn't trust them and has me as Power of Attny. My mother doesn't understand and has her own medical issues but is easily manipulated. Instead of my sister leaving as the doctor said, she has no home has past drug and alcohol issues is doing the opposite and no encouraging my mother to give it time. What can I do my sisters are toxic and I have as little as I can do with them.

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score 1 · Answer 4

Hi again, rosebud. You have received practical and direct advice from all. We confirm that you are a caring and sacrificing person, but now the next step is to "take action". Don't be afraid. If there were conflicting options, you would have more to consider. A lot of us understand about siblings and children of the person in need who do not contribute, don't want to get involved, don't lift a finger or even care about taking any responsibility-- so be it. You can't make them change but you can ask for their input and support to assist you so you can get your life back. If even one is helpful, that will help you to move forward. So, have you spoken about the issue with your brother's 3 children yet? Do you feel that you can change your situation with advice from a social worker and his children?

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score 1 · Answer 5

You obviously have a gift for being a caregiver, but what many caregivers forget is to look after themselves, too. You sound sad and exhausted, and you need to decide how to continue looking after others while you make sure you are healthy and at peace. As a result, you really need to call a meeting of all people involved in your brother's life and decide where he should live besides your condominium. You can get the social worker to help you with options. Starting at your local health clinic or with your brother's doctors would be a good place to get info to bring to the meeting. I am sure you do not want your brother to feel like you are leaving him in his previous situation, so maybe he can be helped to look at this as his next step in the recovery process. After some rest, you will be able to share your time with those you love with a different frame of mind. You are very special to a lot of people but please make yourself a priority, too. Best wishes and please let us know how things are going for you.

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score 2 · Answer 6

You have done an awesome service to your brother. I'm sure that living under your care and protection has helped him recover as much as he can. Now it is time to help him move on. You simply do not have the space or the energy to continue this. No need to feel guilty or worry about whether you have done enough. You have. Now get social services involved. Your brother obviously cannot live on his own. As Christina said, find out the options. Group home? Assisted Living? Skilled Nursing Facility? In a way it doesn't matter if we are talking about a brother or a sister or a cousin or a parent. This person needs more care than you can continue to give him. Your job now (and it isn't an easy one, but it is do-able) is to see that he is in a clean, safe environment where his special needs can be met. Once he is settled, visit him often. When you don't also have to provide all his daily needs you will be better able to spend some quality time with him. Get your own life back.

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score 0 · Answer 7

Thanks so much to the people who has responed so far. Is there any more sisters out there taking care of older brothers?? I cannot seem to find much of this sibling opposite sex in caretaking. It is truly difficult. I don't ever invite friend over to because I don't feel free to be myself with them and its not worth my efforts to try to be me. I MISS being me and having freedom in my own home. I live in a condo so there is no way for any self space.

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score 2 · Answer 8

rosebud, Bless your Heart. I would call a social worker and his three kids and have a group meeting. Talk to sw about what placement options there are for your brother, with regard to finances, eligibility, etc. Get everyone ON BOARD to share the load--use whatever ploy is necessary, because you are NOT going to do all the work. Do it as soon as you can.
Once you set something in motion, it will stay in motion, as long as you keep moving forward.
All the very best to you, and let is know your progress. Hugs, Christina

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score 1 · Answer 9

my older sister is going through this with an older brother. he's 59, on dialysis and has had 2 strokes. he's depressed, eats like a juvenile, doesn't bathe, doesn't brush his teeth, doesn't do anything but lay down all day and go to dialysis 3x a week. granted, dialysis wipes him out, but the hygene thing is not due to dialysis.

we are trying to get him into assisted living where we hope they can monitor him and he'd be more willing to live his life than fade away. she also needs her life back. she's taken care of him for nearly 2 years.

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score 0 · Answer 10

yes notify me with comments and feeds

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How do I get my normal healthy life back after caring for my brother who was overdosed by his wife and out in a nursing home on “lock down?”

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