what do you do do when you honestly have done the best you can do and personreally did the best no more to give and results are heartbreakin between you and person and you feelyou have to let someone else step on and do not no whats going to happen me
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Take care of yourself so you can be there for you loved one. Otherwise, you could be the one who dies first - then what? Please do get help, pronto.
Carol
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Hang in there! You have a new role to play!
I'm really taking your words to heart this very moment. Mom and I exchanged some very ugly words this morning and I finally told her this situation does not work anymore. She lives with my husband and son and I. I told her that she needs to live elsewhere and I will find a senior living place for her. Of course, everything that has ever happened bad in her life is now personally my fault. She loves to play the victim and guilt everyone out.
My otherwise very healthy dad died of a brain tumor last December after caring for her needs for years. I feel like I'll follow in his footsteps if things don't change. My blood pressure is through the roof and there she sits downstairs, smack dab in the middle of our living space, refusing to eat and giving me dirty looks. The stress I'm feeling right now is incredible!!!
Maybe we expect things we aren't likely to get -- I know that was part of my difficulty with taking care of my mom. When I stepped back I recognized that Mom doesn't like the fact that she needs help, it makes her feel dumb, pathetic, and depressed. When she acts unappreciative and snarley, she is mad -- but not really at me (or at least I've convinced myself of that!). She's just mad at this situation -- her body won't respond the way she wants it to, she can't remember things she's known all her life, she can't remember words well enough to get a sentence out most of the time . . . this isn't her.
You are loved and appreciated, but piled on top of those feelings are all the feelings of anger, disappointment and confusion in your parent suffocating the good feelings. Please get a good night's sleep and wake up believing that YOU are a good and compassionate person doing the very best you can in an incredibly difficult situation. Whether or not the person you are caring for acts appreciative, please know that all of us out here going through the same thing understand and support you. You are loved and you are not alone. Please check in tomorrow and let us know how you are doing. We care. I care!
I am at the point where the expression, "You can't unring a bell," has happened. No matter what, the things that were said can't be undone or forgotten. Forgiven, yes, but the damage has been done to the point where I want her somewhere that can provide for her wants and needs much better than I can as one person.
Mom has fallen a lot lately but refuses to use a gait belt, a lift chair, anything reasonable that will help her or my aching back. She's a tiny person but I'm not that much bigger, plus I'm going to be 51 next week and have suffered a really traumatic back injury that is acting up. It's the mental and emotional stress that is the worst. Nothing ever really is 'right' or pleases her. She's always 'suffering' in one way or another, no matter what I do.
I'm done with that, really and completely done. She has the financial wherewithall to afford the best of care. She's says I'm sticking her someplace with strangers just to get rid of her. That's why I've busted my rear end for 8 months since my dad was diagnosed and died of a brain tumor. I drove 600 miles nearly every weekend for three months, held dad's hand when he was dying in hospice because it was just too hard for her to leave the house (she visited him once, while asking where she was everyday during his 2 week stay), planned his funeral, cleaned and painted her whole house, packed 48 years of stuff and moved it 300 miles, unpacked it, had a huge garage sale...just so I could stick her someplace.
It must be dementia or narcissism, because how could she not see all that I and my family have been through? She hasn't seen a doctor in years, except for her broken knee episodes. She refuses. I have no idea if she is losing it mentally or is just plain mean. Whatever it is, I don't need that type of poison attitude living in my home.
Hugs to all that are going through this cr*p. It's an insane amount of stress that probably most of us didn't anticipate just trying to do the right thing by our parents. Sometimes it just doesn't work and I'm finding out that's okay.
Poor Mom. She has had a lot of genuine trauma, with the death of her husband and moving away from the area she knew well. She is entitled to be grieving and to be out of sorts. She is not entitled to take you down with her. You have lost your father, and have had your life throughly disrupted. Too bad you can't be a comfort and consolation to each other. But that is not the way it is, and you have to deal with reality.
Best wishes to you as you put your decision into action.
The only real love came from my dad, now deceased, and my youngest sister, who was botn with severe cerebral palsy. She has been thru so much hell in her little life, seen so much ugliness, has never been able to talk or walk properly, had so many spills, broken bones and lived in snake pits they used to place the developmentally disabled in,suffered abuse and couldn't even tell anyone. That was after my parents trying to care for her for the first 13 years of her life and finally had to let regional center take over. Would you believe that she is like an angel, laughs more than the rest of the family put together, enjoys simple things like I Love Lucy television and Patsy Cline music--she can watch or listen to them over and over again, and enjoy each time as much as if it were the first. She lives about 65 miles away from mom and me now, so I don't get to see her nearly as much, no time because I cannot leave mom for long and short on patience when I do manage to get her here for the week-end, not to mention the cost of gasoline and I receive zero for helping mom, up until a few months ago when I insisted she pay me something, then went around and around before she gave in. My siblings live withinabout 5 miles of her and NEVER so much as stop by to see her, do not include her in family get togethers, except if I go get her and bring her home. I would say except for a total of about 5 times they have reluctantly agreed to pick her up for me, but I finally gave up and don't even ask any more, I just go get her if and when I am able. She has so much to offer, so much can be learned from her and seeing her face light up when she sees me, the true, pure love of a child with no strings attached, no gain except to spend time with her family, I just hurt for them being so self-absorbed to let that happen,there is so much I cannot and will NEVER understand; but, then, I really don't want to. I guess I should envy the others, going off on vacations, cruises, working and saving money. Yet they have nothing but criticism toward me and how I am after mom's money! I guess they forgot about the first two decades of my caregiving when I paid for most everything, until I went broke. Mom helped me get dentures, and they didn't think she should have to do that, I think they enjoyed seeing me toothless and pitiful while they were shiny and new. I gave them whatever they needed or wanted when I was the one with the $$, but they feel no obligation nor desire to help me. Since mom decided a reverse mortgage was in order, I will now have nothing and no place to live when she passes away, though I was a homeowner since my early 20's before becoming her slave and allowing her to make decisions, I thought out of respect for her. But I guess it was really mainly laziness on my part. I do like the person I am, would never want to be like my other two siblings, or my mother, but Isure wish I could have my life back to what it was before the big boom. Ah, well, live and live, right? and hopefully, learn someday! God bless you and all of us who give so unselfishly. I never claimed to be nor wanted to be perfect, but in comparison, I am closer to it than I knew! Take care, and don't sweat the small shit--and it is all small shit. Take care of yourselves, because nobody else probably will, ok? I am so grateful to have these forums to vent and cry and let it all out. Good night now.
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