Our 80's parents live in their own home and have diminishing health. My brother lives 650 miles away, and sees them a week or two out of the year. I live 250 miles away and see them every 2-3 or 4 weekends depending upon the current need.
Its time to put POA in place, and I talked with my parents about this on the last trip. They agreed that it could/should be between my brother and myself (not the remaining 3 sibs). My parents told me to discuss it with my brother and decide how we want to handle it and they would agree.
I called my brother to let him know of the situation and suggested that he become POA for Finance and I become POA for Health. It is my intention to start attending their important doctor visits as backup. Brother's response is to postpone any movement on the subject until he can speak with my parents face to face which is another month or two. He claims that as executor of their estate, he will be POA for Finance, but will not discuss my being POA for Health.
It is better to get POA in place sooner rather than later because my mother needs the care of a Neurologist and as soon as she goes there, she and my dad could both be diagnosed with dementia. Dad is her primary care giver, hence the possible complications from all this.
I have approached this topic wanting to collaborate with my brother, to come up with a plan for caregiving and to start assuming more legal responsibilities, along with on-the-ground responsibilities.
His response to me is to be rude, dismissive, domineering, bullying, and insulting. He talks over me, he dismisses my input, he lectures me, he talks down to me, he ignores any ongoing discussions he hasn't been involved in, he is deciding to do what he thinks is best on his own with no sense of collaboration, he refuses to have an open discussion, he refuses to express his real motives and he accuses me of pressuring him.
If I start a conversation, he interrupts me and starts explaining things to me that I already know and starts giving me direction. When I finally get a word in to give him information, or tell what is already occuring or what has already been discussed, it seems to inflame him beyond reason.
He does not understand or respect that I have been a part-time caregiver to our parents for the past 3 years.
i believe that his world view demands that he drive the ship, and that everyone else is his inferior and underling. He is a high placed administrator in health care for elderly, and the elder brother.
My world view is that birth order, age and gender are irrelevant. Its down to who is capable and motivated to take tangible responsibility for our parents. That we should collaborate in a loving way that makes it easy and comfortable and safe for my parents, and that there is no need for contension. I am a professional in a position of responsibility and have lead a stable, interesting life. I am financially, emotionally and intellectually capable of taking care of our parents, and my husband supports my effort fully.
I have let him and his ego and rudeness go for years, but now its getting in the way of something that I really, really care about, and I am not going to back down. I am not going to be treated in this way, or to be edged out or dismissed as a helping hand who isn't capable of holding real responsibility.
I am letting him stew in his own juices for now, but I am so hurt and insulted by his behavior that I can think of little else.
My question is this. Can anyone give insight into why he is behaving in this way or how to handle it?
Many thanks in advance.
24 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Dad wanted to give us the money instead of the nursing home to help with the household. By the way, my dad is very sharp but a gentle man. My brother was getting hostile with me and with my dad, which very nearly killed him. Once my dad recovered his health he asked to see an attorney to change the POA to my name as I was closer and because my brother was not allowing him to live his life and use his money as he saw fit.
Everyone calmed down from that after a while until my dad decided to buy a house and use some of his savings money. The X?@#$ hit the fan and they accused him of not loving them as shown by his use of the money and loving me more and were worried where their inheritance was going. I was also accused of swaying my dad to do these things. We are not talking a lot of money here but they have made it very personal and very hurtful. I know he wants to help me as we have fallen on harder times, as he has also helped them during their lifetime.
I am also co-executor with my third brother and am happy for that but I am grieving for the relationship that my brothers and I once had. I can't fault my dad for his decisions but it has made it difficult for me.
Having said all that, I feel your pain and am continually amazed that my siblings have turned into these agressive nasty people.
ADVERTISEMENT
Just read your note from June. Please do not listen or be bullied by your elder brother in reference to POA and health care proxy. My brother was made POA. I was given the Health care proxy for Mom. Dad is deceased. My brother refused to let me pay bills or anything related to finances, even though he has become bed-ridden and disabled from MS. I have recently discovered financial misappropriations of mom's money, stealing funds from her accounts , taking rental property income and directly depositing it in his own bank accounts while my mom is almost out of money from a reverse mortgage that I have discovered he tapped lots of money from too. So, here's the point. There must be 2 POA's on mom and dad's behalf, so that one monitors the others actions. This must happen. Then, one health care proxy should be given to the adult child who is most willing to talk to doctors, etc, If your brother thinks he knows it all, then certainly he should be the last of the siblings who should be in charge. You should elect a sibling who would be able to weigh and measure health care decisions and consult with all of you. Please find out from parents what they would want as it concerns end of life issues, i.e feeding tubes, respirators, etc. You have to know this, because I didn't, and I had to make this decision for mom since she has dementia and couldn't . Very gut wrenching. Don't let anyone have ultimate financial power. AND, you could consult a lawyer on your own and when you visit mom and dad, just make the POA and Health care proxy without him. At least something is in place and you could take care of them for now. Who knows what his motives are? Make sure you read the WILL and get it redone if nothing sounds equal. Good luck and do what is right and best for parents. Ask them what they want, but the oldest son may be the worst choice, so at that point , You do what you think is best.
Good luck.
Helen
Mom was confusing paying her bills and ordering products from TV. I realized the frustration, so I began to handle her finances. Mom’s accounts were in joint with me since dad’s death. One day, Mom told my sister that she didn’t have access to her money because I was handling it. I discovered a sum of money had been withdrawn from mom’s account. Mom denied going to the bank. The money wasn’t in the house. I thought someone followed her and took the money. Then my mom explained that she withdrew the money to help one of her grand-daughter’s open an account. This was the beginning of an ongoing nightmare.
I began to document everything. The bank recommended I have a POA on file so no unauthorized person can withdraw from her account. I attended a legal meeting at the local Alzheimer’s Association and was advised to obtain a DPOA. Mine was in effect for 1 year when my sister had my mother to sign another DPOA and a health care proxy. Mom doesn’t remember signing my sister’s DPOA and denies signing any papers. My sister along with several people took my mother to the bank and removed my name from the account. Now my sister’s name is on the joint account. It turned out the bank never filed my DPOA in their system. The bank says if people look “normal” they do not question what customers want to do. I think there should be more awareness in protecting their elderly customers from vulnerability. My sister denied being on the account. My sister has designated her daughter to be her alternate DPOA. My sister also had mom to change the beneficiary on her life insurance policy that she has had for 25+ years. My sister states that mom doesn’t want me to get anything. Our small family consists of 6 members. Two are controlling mom or protecting her from me. The others in the next generation and me are left out altogether.
Mom made a will over 25 years ago. She never imagined her two children wouldn’t communicate. In her will we are both listed as co-executrices. My sister doesn’t want me to know anything about mom. She says she’s in charge. I used to contact her about mom’s health and welfare when I had DPOA but she wouldn’t talk to me. She is telling lies about me so that she will shine. I’m not interested in mom’s money because she gave away most of it while she was in her good faculties. Mom has been there for both of us. I have been there for mom all my life. I am the one that mom has called on when she was in need. It’s the principle of the matter that is sad and hurtful.
Recently I was summoned to Family Court twice to respond to allegations that my mother supposedly made against me to get an order of protection to keep me away from her. Court sees families bringing cases like this in all the time. Both cases against me were dismissed.
Is there a correlation between the ability to project into the future to view multiple contingencies and the willingness to take on the role of caregiver? Or the caregiver's anxiety? I am trying very very hard not to obsess over things that aren't actually happening, and my sibs think I'm inflaming/exaggerating for nothing. I'm not - I just want to prevent awful things from happening.
@GemG - you are so right - I don't want to have to work through him to get things done. That said, there is no reason why my parents can't put my name on accounts to help them pay for things.
@PatriceE - it would probably be best to speak to an atty so that they are getting objective feedback in case the PoA is challenged.
Thanks all for the feedback.
Go see your parents and get both POA's in your name. It sound like you will take care of them and help them get what they want. You don't need even need at attorney. My POA is 16 pages long you and your parents can go to a notary. Other things need to be in place. When they die the POA is powerless.
Just do it and take care of them!
I wish you the best in all of this mess.
@jeannegibbs - thanks for the support. Probably enough assets to see them out with comfort, and a little extra. I don't think it s a greed thing. Its a good idea to visit an elder care atty - someone that could provide objective advice. Bookmarking this idea.
@sonyam - I hear what you are saying about problems with two POA, but with him being so far off and not able contribute small steps along the path, I can't see him taking both as a practical solution. I cannot imagine a world where he would want me to take both, even though I am willing, and viewed in measured terms, am best aligned to take the responsibility. Thanks for the words - you are right - this is all in service of them.
@cmagnum - many good things to think about.
1 - he is not confused - he knows (and I reminded him) that executorship starts only upon their deaths, and that we are talking about managing the here and now. I believe he's saying that in hopes that I fall for it. He stated categorically that he would not be comfortable with sharing Financial POA with me, or with me having it.
2 - This is an excellent point. It is their decision. My father is not POA for my mother, though it is my brother's rec that he become so. I think this is a bad idea as his faculties are already failing.
3 - Interesting point. I don't believe it was their intention to triangulate us, but perhaps we all thought that bro and I could work it out amicably. I don't know what they are aware of in terms of family dynamics. I think they would be surprised to learn what a db he is being.
4 - Yes, there are other sibs, and they an hour away from the parents. I see our parents more frequently than any of them. Through disposition and capability, none of them are good bets.
5 - I have not told my parents about the conflict. It was my hope to spare them discomfort. I think a reasonable and benign next step would be to simply help educate them on what POA is, and the decisions involved.
6 - Tricky. They are in denial about their own status. It is time they had someone coming to the house to help them administer mom's meds and clean and keep good food in the fridge. It is time for Dad to stop driving. They have stopped saying "Come visit any time, we love seeing you." and have started saying "We know what you're doing and we really appreciate all your help." That will be an interesting conversation when we're all sitting around the table.
7 - Yes, they probably have propped him up as elder son. I am the youngest, and at 47 am 11 years bro's junior. The family dynamic has me as "the baby" although we have a kind of two-family dynamic - the first 5 kids were born close together, then 5 years later I came along. I'm like an only child and have a different relationship with my parents - more of a peer relationship, esp with my mother. I let their roles as parent become a ceremonial one years ago, assuming full responsibility for myself and my experience. The rest of the sibs still seem afraid of their parents.
8 - Upshot - you are right. It is their responsibility. My bro and I have not been able to collaborate on this, so its resting entirely on the folks' shoulders, where it was all along.
Your words have given me much to think about from angles that I hadn't seen and you have truly helped me. Thank you.
Second, it is really up to your parents to chose who is going to be POA and the sooner that decision is made the better. I sure hope your dad is not already POA for your mother or her for your father because that frankly does not work.
Third, your parents are being to passive about this and in a sense have triangulated you, your brother, and your parents in this discussion. In my opinion, now that you have told your brother what role you want and he seems to want the durable POA, then the two of you together face to face need to say what each would like in order to avoid the confusion of "he said, she said." But still, it is your parents decision to make and they can change it anytime they want as long as they are of sound mind. Surely they are aware of how your bother relates with you and has he been that way since childhood?
Fourth, why are you two chosen and the other siblings being left out? That is a set up for conflict. If I were your parents, I would pick the two children who would do the best job and work with each other the best if I were going to separate POA between the children.
Fifth, you have told us about your conflicted relationship with your brother about this, but I have not read that you have told your parents? Have you told them?
Sixth, they and he really do need to talk and confront him with your perception of things. If he blows up at them, that's enough proof there that they need to not chose him, but select another sibling.
Seventh, do any of your other siblings live right where they are?
Seventh, it sounds like your parents have somewhat of a worldview about oldest child and first born sons in selecting him with you. I gather that you two must be the two oldest and possibly not very far apart in age.
Eighth, I really think your parents need to take responsibility for who they chose among their children for they for sure know all of ya'll well and just go ahead, meet with a lawyer to draw up a POA, select someone, sign it themselves, have it notarized and then let everyone know who has it.
I'm sorry you are having so much conflict with your older, take charge, must be in control brother. I wonder where he learned that from? I'm sorry that the two of you have evidently never had a real bother/sister relationship which is worse.
I wish you well in working through this maze and while I am not a therapist, you might need one to help you understand your brother and learn some communication skills with which to deal with a personality like his which sounds very narcissistic or at least the spoiled one of the family.
When it comes to POA's my suggestion would be that there is only one. If you have two then there will be problems. I would tell your parents that you would like to be the POA and that decisions would be made by all of the siblings with you as the final decision maker.
Unfortunately, you may find that your brother becomes more hostile so just be preprared and don't let it hurt you because this is about your parents not him.
Stick to what you feel is best for your parents. Don't back down just because you are being bullied. Listen to Brother's views, too, of course. Perhaps the two of you can go together to visit an Elder Law attorney and/or a CPA. Are there a lot of assets to be concerned about?