What do you do when you’re at a crossroad with caregiving? I need help with letting go without feeling overwhelmed or guilty when I find the right place for her?

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mstexas Asked June 2011

What do you do when you’re at a crossroad with caregiving? I need help with letting go without feeling overwhelmed or guilty when I find the right place for her?

It's been a while scince i've been on this forum, or contributed my oinput on any questions, I've recently suffered the loss of one of the grandmothers that lived with me and I cared for,Logic tells me she lead a long full life at 90 yrs and my husband tells me I contributed to extending her life 5 yrs longer than she would have lived and for that he will always be grateful,Now I am forced to watch the 2nd grandma(my Mom) go thru the final stages of Alzhemiers,and it's tough,the doctor tells me that this happens at times when one passes the other soon follows,but it has become increasingly difficult for me to care for her with out breaking into tears.The doctor and staff tell me that i must consider putting her in a nursing facility,I am there,I know it's best for her to be watch 24 hrs,And yes I do haves siblings but they have been out of the picture for 3 to 4 yrs now,they dont even call! Any one who remembers me on this forum knows the senerio.I just want her to be cared for she has medicare and medicaid,but finding something NICE AND LIVIABLE WITH QUAILITY CARE is hard. I live in Cypress Tx. any one who knows of any palce in this area,please give suggestions.
Did I mention I am looking for a job so that I can help pay for ofset cost if necessary.

Mental Health

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score 1 · Answer 1

msTexas: I remember you, indeed...you were so very helpful to me and all the newbies who found this website years ago...so glad you came back to fill us in on what has been happening. And my sincerest condolences on the loss of your grandma.
Caregiving in general has always left me in a daze. I haven't felt like myself for the last 4 years. So, the stress of losing your grandmother added to caring for your mother has to take its toll and you need a serious break.
A nursing home placement may help all. Your Mom will need more intensive medical care that you cannot provide and you need to step back and allow yourself to be the daughter again. It may be a blessing for you both. The thing that I have missed the most, in taking on this role, is not having the time to be "family." The caregiver part just takes all my energy.
Ask caregivers, social workers, and doctors about the best facilities in your area. Choose the closest one to you and visit often. Quality care is tied directly to how many times a family member is present....even in the best places.
Good luck....come back with an update...good to hear from you again....Lilli

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score 0 · Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandmother. It sounds like she was a very important person in your life. I lost my father recently, and I have been wandering in a state of shock after his long illness and death. I functioned on the outside but was frozen and anxious on the inside. I have just started becoming a little more peaceful. Your mother's illness must be devastating after the loss of your grandmother. I can only tell you what I experienced and hope it will help. My father was very happy at the hospice ,and I loved it because I could visit him at any moment that I could find. I knew he was safe, and I knew I could not give him the same care. Check with others about their experiences with hospices and see which doctor comes regularly although you can use your own doctor. You will remain in my prayers. Please stay in touch with all of us. Rebecca

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score 1 · Answer 3

Shell shocked, numb, easily breaking into tears, guilty though you have no reason to be, and totally overhwlemed - this can be just grief - BUT it can also be PTSD (post-traumatic stress or depression where a little medication (usually low dose SSRI, that's what we use for rehab patients who have just been through a medical or traumatic ordeal) for it could help you a lot. If she has medicare, Hospice services to provide respite and aide care at home part time could be completely covered. Where I am, I just found out that Hospice does not cover room and board in a nursing home or assisted living, but they cover anything extra such as a personal aide, supportive counseling, some meds or procedures that are strictly comfort measures, and they do cover when someone is in an inpatient hospice facility. I'm giving naheaton another star as soon as I post this.

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score 0 · Answer 4

in answer to cmangum, i think both,but most of all right now it feels like i'm theowing in the towel on Mom. I know she doesnt even knoe who I am, and that realisticly she NEEDS the 24 hr medical care. But it's just hard. I believe that you all are CORRECT in that I NEED to get this resolved,and get HELP,guess my first step was just to get clarity on my emotions and advise and opinions from you all. Thank you once again you help me pull through what will be and has been a diffcult ROAD.

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score 4 · Answer 5

You're 'shell shocked' as they used to call it. You've had enough death and dying so it's overwhelming for you and you're having a hard time facing yet another person you love dying. Get someone to help you shoulder the load. Reach out. Hospice was a good source of experts when my mom was dying a few months ago. And if you don't have a regular church family, get one.

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score 1 · Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and how quickly your mother is declining.

Help me understand your crossroad of how to let go.with out feeling overwhelming guilt. Are you having a hard time letting go of your grandmother without feeling overwhelming guilt or having to let you mother go to a nursing facility without feeling overwhelming guilt or both?

I think one reason the doctor is saying your mother must go to a nursing facility is not only her decline, but also in consideration of you and your resent loss. You have been through so much no long ago and have more ahead of you that you really don't need to be the person doing 24/7 care because of your own well being and being a healthy support for your mother.

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like you are having a time sorting out your emotions as well as making some tough decisions. So, I think for you own peace mind, it would be good to see someone.

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score 0 · Answer 7

That is perfectly understandable. Don't beat yourself up about it. At least one of the motions was to post here, and that seems pretty sharp. Did you use hospice for gma?

Personally, I think that is the route to consider now, whether that is bringing hospice into your home (perhaps with some additional hired caregiving) or getting your mom into a hospice house.

Blessings on you as you struggle with this very difficult part of the journey.

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score 0 · Answer 8

Yes, hospice, but because the death of gma occured 3rd of may,guess I 'm not in the frame of mind to ask dr. the right questions for my mom. I'm usually pretty sharp,but latly just seem to be going through the motions.

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score 1 · Answer 9

First, condolences on the death of your beloved grandmother. I hope you find comfort in the role you played in extending the quality of her life.

When you say that your mom is going through the final stages, would she qualify for pallative care or hospice?

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What do you do when you’re at a crossroad with caregiving? I need help with letting go without feeling overwhelmed or guilty when I find the right place for her?

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