I am a 25 year old woman, and am having a hard time giving up my freedom at such a young age. I lived in a big city 3 months ago, and had complete freedom. Now my main concern and priority is my Grandparents. Parts of my life such as a romantic life and friends just don't exist. If there is anyone out there who is in this situation, how do you cope?
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They're both functional, so there's no reason for you to give up your social life when you're at your prime. I assume that b/c you live on their turf catering to their needs, wants, and whims is your job. I'd have a heart-to-heart chat with them. If that doesn't work, start making other living arrangements before you become a bitter, resentful old maid and take it out on them.
LME, my job is not and never will be in jeopardy for any reason. But thanks for your concern. This is a small town my boss knew me when I was in my mother's womb and she knew the situation before I even moved to the state and has made the proper accommodation. Also, you must have missed former posts, where I stated that my Grandmother's condition is declining rapidly, and that when I start school, I will need someone to be here to help, because every time I come home from work there is a big crisis. Any time I come home from anywhere at any time of day there is a big crisis because she can't seem to remember how to do anything when I'm not home. And I never mentioned or even thought about quitting my job...just because we are all caretakers doesn't mean every situation is the same.
With that said: start writing a journal a log book. Don't leave out any details. You want a reference with details on paper.
For example: Long but intersting point so bare with me!!!!
TRUE STORY
I'll give you an insight of one of my caregiving days. After work today (friday) I went to pick Mom up at her nurses aids house(she cared for mom 25 hours a week rest of time, I was with her, 1/2 of that time while I was working she was with me...No break ever not even to PP in peace!!!). She did not want to go home with me just stubbornly refused.(at that time she was becoming increasingly difficult and didn't like me bossing her around) She asked if my sister could come to get her and if she came she would go with her. It is a friday night I worked 11 hours on my feet all day. I called my sister who is scheduled to pick Mom up at 8:30am at my job anyway the next morning. (which by the way she wanted to get paid for and I took money out of my pocket to help Mom & never took a dime from her for her care) I explained Mom's request to my sister and she refused I begged and she still was being a B--CH! Left with no other choice i called the police an ambulance came. I explained the situation and as I didn't know what to do I called them. So off they took her to ER. They wanted me to go to hospital but Mom was getting overly aggitated and I explained I was the reason for her behavior. (I am such a horrable person lol) I gave them all the info they needed, meds, dementia issues, how to contact me and went home. I finally got home and got a call saying I had to pick her up. They cannot keep a person with no physical problems at the hospital. I explained that she will not go with me. Thier response was well you can't leave her here. So they drugged her so she would. So it is now 2:00am I had to drive 1 half hour to hospital to get her and she was so drugged up she couldn't walk. She had to pp so in ER I took her to BR she slided slowly into an awkward position on the floor legs croosed and pants half down, looked at me and said I feel like I'm drunk. ( I actually laughed ) I got someone to help me get her up and then into the car.(was not easy) Then after a long ride home I couldn't get her out of the car. The whole ride home she was Seeing Things! My BoyFr was luckily able to help me get her to bed.....
Next Day: I some how managed to get her up dressed fed and meds and then get us both to my job.
(she had no recollection of anything) Then my sister shows up 2 hours late(ME trying to keep Mom occupied so she wouldn't walk out the door and while trying to keep up with appointments) Sister looks at my face and says to me "WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY!!!!" I think if I tryed kill my sister right then infront of mega witnesses, I would have gotten away with temp. insanity, She would have still asked why I only just wanted a friday night without any drama. Oh!!! and!!! that I should be thanking her for watching Mom 2 days in a month (wich consited of companionship, food and fun time no work involved!!!!) Like I was having a partytime with Mom & all while I was giving up all other things in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow it felt good to get that off my chest after all this time.
It is just the start and what you are doing is for everyone, not yourself, so let them know the valuable assett that you are.
You have already noticed how time consuming and isolating caregiving is...it will not get better. As they age, they will need more intensive care that you will not be able to provide.
What is their financial situation? Are they able to pay for their care? Did you give up your job to care for them? If so, please do not jeopardize your financial security to care for them.
Here is some practical advice. Start looking at care centers in your area. If they are relatively mobile, they can live in an independent care community. It is like any other apartment but with some care (such as meals and baths) built in. Assisted Living adds more care with a RN on staff, etc. Later they may need a skilled nursing facility. Do your research now so you know what is available.
In the meantime, do you have their power of attorney? If not, you will need two: one for financial, one for medical. (I used an online company, Legacy Writers. It was easy and inexpensive. Also, make several copies as "originals." You will need to have them notarized and/or witnessed according to your state laws.)
Have all their medical records, from past physicians, on hand and make copies. I carry a small card that lists all Mom's medications so that I have it on hand when she goes to a new doc.
Look into in-home care. Even if they come in once or twice a week for personal care, it will give you some "me" time. Here it costs between $12-18/hr. Find out what services and activities the senior center offers. There may even be low cost adult day care in your area.
Most importantly, do not give up your social life. Make a few friends who understand your situation. Make a point to go out to do anything at least once a week. Or take an online class that will enhance your career.
If you feel this way now, can you imagine how you will feel in 10 years? You cannot recapture your youth and I doubt that your grandparents want you to make this big a sacrifice.
Taking care of our loved ones does not mean that you have to live under the same roof. Find them appropriate care and continue being the involved, loving grand daughter that you are....let us know how things are going......
Lilli
I jumped into this role with both feet without thinking of myself. I soon realized that caring for mom swallowed me alive taking all my freedoms. No friends, No shopping adventures, no vacations, etc...I became a prisoner in this house. I have no help from family.
I DON'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU. What you are doing for your grandparents is WONDERFUL!! and you should be applauded for that. Don't ever feel bad about getting a break, you deserve that!!!!! At any age caregivers need that time to live their own life. By having a "plan" and sticking to it. You will be able to do your thing outside your caregiving role. For myself, looking back I wish I would have had a "plan". I don't regret taking care of my mom for a minute. But I never realized how hard it would be.
You will figure out what works for you. Whether its help from family or having paid help come into the home. Setting aside time for yourself now will benefit both you and your grandparents. It will keep you from getting "caregiver burnout" and in turn you will be more present mentally and physically to be a caregiver.
You will get many suggestions here on this site. I hope something works for you!! Everyone here understands where your coming from.
Your grandparents may need help for a year, or two years, or ten, or even fifteen.
However noble your intentions, you cannot give up a romantic life and friends for a year, or two years, or ten, or even fifteen. There are certain things you should be doing at this stage in your life. You need to do them. I don't know if you hope to have a family of your own someday, but if you do you cannot postpone for some indefinite period continuing a social life.
Your grandparents are very fortunate to have you in their lives. That you are living together must be a great comfort to them. Personally, I think that your role should be to supervise them getting the help and care they need, rather than to provide every ounce of it yourself. And that supervisory role is huge and taxing and stressful enough. You have to figure out how you can play that role and still have time and energy to be 25.
I take care of my husband, who has dementia. We have grandchildren your age. If something happened to me I would consider it wonderful if any of those grandkids would step in and see to it that their Grampa has someone to advocate for him and see that his needs are met and help him with care decisions. I would NOT WANT or expect any of them to give up their youth for him. A few months to get things organized and running smoothly and the necessary help in place, yes that would be a most welcome gift. Beyond that I would hope they could provide ongoing support and oversight, but NOT 24/7 care.
There are many ways to express love and provide care. Your responsibility, in my view, is to find the ways that will enable your grandparents to function safely and with dignity while you go about the activities natural to this time in your life.