How can I challenge my brother's decisions as Power of Attorney and trustee of our father?

I am on the other end of this as I am Trustee of my father's estate, my mother's caregiver and PR (she has advanced dementia) and POA. My sister lives 350 miles away and has been here once in a year and a half (to pick up the silver tea set). Now she is trashing me with my mother (by phone -which I installed in her room) and trying to get her to write checks to her to get a match for everything she gives to other members of the family. There is no such provision in any of the Wills and Mom just "listens to her" but in reality has not told me to write her a check for the $160,000 that she is demanding. She is already getting over a $100,000 a year and can't spend what I snd her fast enough. That is why my dad set up their wealth as Trusts, knowing that she would spend through the money and then cry poor. She has been irresponsible with money all her life, has no kids and is on disability with PTSD. I am about to ear my hair out.

What is it you actually would like to happen? Being able to see your dad without your brothers present? Knowing how your brother is managing your father's finances? Being part of the caregiver team? Is there any proof your brother is abusing his POA authority. You could challange it in a court of law, but it would be better if you could discuss with your brother what you would like and be willing to do in regard's to your father.

My sister has abused her financial durable power of attorney by misusing antiphycotics med to over medicated my mom and for her dementia making her incapable of daily living skills in order to be over moms money so she can spend it on herself and her family and also isolating the rest of the siblings.

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If you've already expressed that you're feeling left out, try working out your differences with him 1-on-1 one more time before going to court and alienating him further. Please forgive me for being so blunt, but this kind of unintentional behavior reminds me of birds fighting over scraps; and your Dad is still here. The way I see it, his well-being is what matters right now. I know you have his best interests in mind, otherwise you wouldn't be preparing to battle your brother. Help him see it'd be better to share such a huge responsibility; and for the love of God try keeping the family together. Good luck my sister.

The best way to challenge your brother being POA of your dad is go to courthouse,and have a petiton filed against your brother, stating that you are being left out, and you will have to go to a court hearing, and ask judge to add you as an existing POA. I hope this helps and you get things worked out. KB

Hi this sounds somewhat like my brother. Mom wants him to keep secrets from me and not include me in anything. He is Durable POA, on accounts, executor of will. Mom is very paranoid and thinks because my Dad(who is deceased) told her I ask him for money, I can't be allowed to know anything. The asking for money never happended. After much hurt and sorrow on my part, I finally said "great let my brother handle everything". I don't need anything she has and she refuses to be 50/50 with my brother and I. So he will take care of her and this is going to be interesting. He is so important and busy with his life that I can't wait to see him freak out when she needs help. Things have a way of working themselves out. As I see it now, I can call and talk about shopping, the weather, etc. Stay far away from her business and when the time comes, he will have to take care of everything because I have no power. She doesn't even have a medical POA, good luck, hope he never needs it. When people keep secrets they are either being dishonest or it's a power play. You should be able to talk to your father alone, something is wrong here. Talk to an elder lawyer about this.

Sometimes childhood issues resurface when parents are facing the end. Unresolved resentments rear their ugly head...and it is very hard to deal with all that plus the grief that is an expected and natural emotion at this difficult time. When legal and financial issues that we know little about crop up it is natural to feel lost and confused over the details. When this occurred in our family research and education worked wonders. I found a local elder lawyer on line who also had a fount of Q & A...so I made maximum use of that by sending in my specific concerns after close reading of the fount of information on his web page. It is state specific and sometimes county specific, so you may have to do your own search. Contacting the local Senior Enrichment program may help also. There are many agencies that run free workshops on just such issues. AARP also has a great section on their page. Good Luck...and just a reminder that control freaks are that way because they operate on fear and distrust. Sometimes without cause...but when they are our relatives...kid gloves need to be used when talking with them.

I can see that this is very upsetting to you. Step back and take a deep breath. Is your brother doing what is best for your father? The first concern should be for your father's well being. If you are satisfied with this, try to take a different approach to visiting and asking questions. Let your brother know you trust him and his decisions but you would just like to be a part of them because you are all family. My sister is a control freak, but Mom made me the executor and trustee. I include Sis in all decisions, but I tactfully make the final decision. Good luck to you.

Sounds like your brother got both durable and medical POA done just in the nick of time, but has become a control freak. Your brother being trusteee or executor of your dad's estate does not come into effect until your dad dies and must proceed through probate according to your dad's will. Do you have a copy of your dad's will? If not, do you know where the will is? Legally speaking, your brother is rather secure unless you go for guardianship which will involve going to court, having your dad publicly declared incompetent. It is not right at all for you not to be able to visit your dad with total privacy. You might want to talk with the lawyer who drew up your dad's POA and tell him what is going on.