How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

Unfortunately I have heard this story many times. Caring for an aging parent can be consuming and those siblings that are far away enjoy the absence of reality. Resentment is a common occurrence when only one child comes forward to care for the parent. In addition to the lack of support your care and problem solving may be questioned as health concerns escalate. I do agree that making your feelings known to your siblings may help but you might include specific ways that they can be helpful to you. Assign them some tasks, ie researching the illness, medications, calling the doctor, attending a family conference call by telephone, setting up additional support services for you and your mother. It is possible they do not maintain contact because they do not know how to help or they find comfort in "not knowing". I would give weekly updates, email is a great way to stay informative and to create an ongoing history of your mother's progress and your assistance. For yourself, get some support. Caregiving is socially isolating and you need to make sure you are cared for also. Journaling, support groups and your personal respite will all help to "keep the motor running".

My experience is that there is nothing you can say that will make the light bulb go off. For whatever reason, they have chosen not to be accountable for your mother's care. To justify their perspectives, they will simply turn the situation around to be your "fault". My siblings tell me that they do not understand why I am knocking myself out and I should just tell our mother that I can't come or I won't come. From their perspective living quite a distance away or perhaps just being a different personality than me, they cannot see, feel, or understand the reality of telling an elderly, ailing person that they don't need someone to sit in the ER with them or they don't need someone to help them get dressed, clean their house, make their meals or whatever my mother is requesting of me or needs. I have exhausted myself trying to give them my perspective and honestly, the more of my perspective I share, the more they will blame me and the more it hurts. I would not bother. They have made their choices and they will defend their choices. Sometimes God will intervene and give them a glimpse - this happened for me recently when another relative went with me to my mothers and we found the food she had been eating infested with bugs. I said simply - this is a good example of why I don't think she can be alone anymore. The relative reported it to my siblings (third parties are always good if you can get them to speak on your behalf) and they were totally grossed out. But a week later when I requested someone come so I could go on a long weekend with my husband...they are too busy. The truth is they are just different people than you are and you cannot change other people. My advice is to be comfortable and grateful for who you are and be proud of the choices you are making to help your elderly parent. If you want your perspectives validated, talk to other caregivers who have made the same choice as you to not neglect the welfare of your parent. I am so proud of you for what you are doing. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and I think someday it will be rewarded.

Being an expert doesn't necessarily mean you have experienced what all of us has with our absent siblings.
I used to update mine by phone, by e-mail. I used to tell them when she had an appointment and ask them to come so they could ask their own questions they might have. I used to ask them to spend a couple hours with Mom so my husband and i could get out. I used to ask them if they could give me $$help since they had asked ME to leave my job to care for Mom. I used to get stressed out and sick thinking about why they don't help or stop by to visit Mom, or even call or e-mail for updates.
Until one day when one sister told the other that she no longer calls or e-mails because she got tired of my constant complaining about Mom, $$, and anything else I was worried about. So now I no longer think about my siblings, or call them, or e-mail them. Now I don't have that stress added to all the others
we all have more than our share of stress and we certainly don't need more from our siblings that are supposed to be there for us!!! Let the sibling stress go!!! There is no way you can change how they feel, no matter what the experts say!!! I have found it can be very lonely, coming from a big family.

I can so relate to the comments above. Yes, I am so filled with resentment with my siblings that I don't know what to do with it. I am the only girl with three brothers and of course, they do not comprehend what is involved in taking care of a lonely elderly person. I am the chosen one who has to sacrifice my time and my family's time while they are living their life without distraction. I am the one who accompanies mother to emergency room visits, and take care of the emotional, physical, and social needs. It is a constant pressure and it's because I do love my mom and feel sorry for the aging process. I have raised two kids, who are now 17 and 19 and was thinking that this may soon be the time I can do things, but no, I have another responsibility with no help. Yes, I am extremely hurt by it. No one but others in the situation can understand the hurt of being left alone to handle it all. And to think it is up to me to take my mom to their house to visit the grandkids, it's almost unbearable to be around that. Thanks for letting me vent and those people who say, well at least my children will see how I take care of my mom. The truth is, yes they see it, and the sad part is, they see what it's doing and the toll it takes.

It has been my observation that every family has "The Responsible One" (TRO), the one sibling who carries the real burden of making sure a parent is well cared-for. In my family, it's me. My brother tries and lives nearby, but he has problems of his own. My sister lives in Canada.

The bright side: a month after my mom's death, I know I did everything in my power to make her last years safe, clean, and happy. I'm exhausted and have lost my "second career" as caregiver (although she was in an assisted living facility), so in a way I'm wandering. But I know -- I absolutely know -- I did the most important job of my life better than anyone else could have.

Most of the siblings don't give a damn about their mother/father or about us, the caregivers. We could send e-mails, we could send letters, we could send pigeons, we could text, we could send grenades, they would continue not to give a damn about us. And I say "give a damn" because I try to be a lady, otherwise I would use another expression, which I know very well, even if I am Italian.
Every clever suggestion is purely theoretical. There are problems which don't have a solution and I don't have any more resentment, just resignation!

Gee, I agree with both these persectives. Absolutely take the high road, but you will never get them to see things as you do or feel the way you feel. I have two deadbeat siblings who have both refused to help. One lives far enough away that's it's easy for them to say them can't help. But how about a visit once or twice a year? Nope. The other has outwardly refused to help if they can't have access to my parent's money, which is almost gone. So I wrote them both off. I care for both my parents, niether drives, I do all the errands and doctor appointments and am sacrificing much of my own family's quality of life because I was the only one willing to help them. I accept the role, but it doesn't make it easy knowing I have no support of my own family. Not even a phone call. Ok, so what should YOU do? If the opportunity presents itself, tell them how you feel but don't expect anything to change. I agree with Soverytired that you are doing the right thing and I think we will be rewarded somewhere done the line. My kids see what we are doing and sacrificing so that my parents are cared for and not afraid. I think this will benefit them more than any of us know.

xoxo
-SS

juilesiri- u had me smiling when u said to email the siblings and give them a small tast to do etc .
they will act like they never ck thier email , they will say oh i cant i have plans . or they say uhh i live too far away go hire someone eles . or they will tell you to go dive in the black hole ! mine would tell me if i cant handle dad i can put him in the nursing home . some would tell you well that is what you wanted to do so dont come crying to me about it . siblings will not and wont help . some siblings will and thank god for them !
my siblings leaves me alone . if they want to know how dad is they can get a hold of me otherwise they wont know cuz i wont tell them .
best bet is to hire someone to care and help you but thenit cost money to do that . dad s doc says no to hospices or home care . so im stuck , do it all . thats ok i love my dad ad i get to cheerish the time we have now .
i have a daughter that will kick me out ofthe house and tell me to go out and have fun . i thank god everyday for her .
i feel for u all and i know siblings is rude in the lord s eyes . SHAME ON THEM !

Traumadoc, that may be true IN YOUR CASE..but all situations are different. I assure you few of us enjoy caregiving and would prefer to have our lives back. I was not the favorite..the black sheep in fact.

I did not choose to care for my parents..i did it because my siblings would not and someone had to step up. By the way..i work full time and have no successfull husband to support me.

No need to judge others here without knowing the facts.

As other have said, stay to the high road. It has been my experience that they will never understand the error of their ways. My sister lived within 5 miles of my parents when they needed help. But she was always to busy with her family. I lived 30 miles from my parents, have 2 kids and a wife and was there every night to give my mother a rest. To this day she doesn't see that she did anything wrong.