What do you do when your mother needs to be in assisted living or nursing home and just screams and cries a good portion of the time?

What about an adult foster care situation instead of asst living? You could find one that has people closer to her own age hopefully, and the one on one care is much better in my opinion.

Thanks for all the suggestions, when you are in this situation it helps to get another prespective. I cant decide if her mind is going or she is just frustrated because of the situation.

There a many different options, definetly have her meds checked out, look into home health care providers coming to your/brothers home, if she's on SSI check to see what her benfits are, se if she qualifies for Medicaid, Look into Assisted Living and maybe even short term care at a Rehab Nursing Home, then if all else fails long term.
This will take time researching, visiting, talking and hopefuly the 3 of you can come to terms for the care of you all.
Let us know and best wishes to you all soon!

Hi kd, Your Mom sounds like she needs to VENT!! wow--just like we do here. Has she tried "talk therapy"? If she is not good at communicating, she is probably frustrated. Maybe someone from church, a grief support group, or regular therapist in town--whatever she can afford. You are too close to the situation, and really, as young as she is, she should take as much control over her life and working this out as she can. Seems there should be a group she could get some help from, such as a disabled and/or accident recovery support group? What do you think?

She is so young and I think that is what makes it dreadful for all involved including her. She does have mobility issues. She is paralyzed on the right side ( dominant side of course). She walked with a cane until she broke her hip last October 2010. Now she can stand and pivot but uses a electric wheelchair to get around the house. She has caregivers daily until 6 pm and has been doing as well as could be expected. She is very " anti medication" and has been placed on anti-depressants before and quit taking them after only a few days. She is very stubborn and still as independent as possible. She is very angry at times because of her circumstances. Who could blame her? I would be angry to but I just cannot handle the constant stress it has added to my life. I still have a 10 year old and 13 year old and work full time. She lives 2 hours from me. She was in assisted living 4 years ago and hated it because everyone was so much older than her and she wanted to be home. So I made arrangements for her to go home.Someone to do groceries, clean her house and help her. It worked well until she fell last October She also got a MRSA infection and ended up in rehab 2 additional times other than the initial time at the time of surgery. I want her to be able to stay at home as long as possible. She and I have talked about this more than once, however when the time comes she will cry, scream etc. She did this the last time she was in the hospital. There just does not seem to be a good solution. :(

The one thing that worked best for me was to find some way to get "buy in" from my Mom. This will not happen quickly. First, find a time when she is receptive to the conversation. Say things like, "Mom you need more help than we could provide at home. What do you think a good solution would be." Of course, she will say living at home. Then you reply, "Home care is not an option because you need personal care as well as medical care. Can I just bring you some information?" If she starts to cry say, "sounds like you are not feeling up to a conversation. just think about it and we'll talk again." Then end the conversation. Do this each time she cries. Then go to several nursing homes and ALFs and gather brochures. Leave them with her without saying a word. It is what my Mom used to call "planting the seed."
Btw, I do not have a complete picture of your Mom's needs. Is she able to walk with a walker or cane? Is she able to take care of toileting needs? If she can do these two things there are many ALFs that tailor to the needs of the resident. My Mom has mobility issues but lives in an "independent" wing of an ALF. We do have extra care for her for bathing, etc. And they arrange to have her transported to activities, etc. But my goal is to keep her out of a NH for as long as possible. I also found another ALF where the residents live in nice individual homes that look like any neighborhood. There are only 10 - 12 people living in each "home." They provide more advanced care such as help with toileting and getting to meals and charge a flat rate. I tend to avoid those places that charge "ala carte." (The one I liked most is Beehive Homes.)
Your Mom is so young. I can see why the idea of a NH is depressing for her. These facilities are for folks who really are at the end stages of their lives, need memory care, or have lost complete mobility.
I hope you can come up with a better alternative that suits her needs and age.
good luck

I agree sounds like she needs some antidepressants and an environment that knows how to handle her issues right now. I really feel for you, you have to remember when people lose what they think is control over themselves and their lives they revert to childlike behavior in an attempt to control things. Shes probably angry that she is in the predicament shes in and obviously scared as you stated. She may actually do better in a nursing home or group home if they encourage her independence as much as possible. Keep your chin up and know your doing what you can :)

Thank you for your insight. When it is going on i just cant see clearly : )

sounds like to me she is depressed , it will causes her to cry so much . best bet is to place her in the best NH and the doctors will find the best meds for her and get her all lined up and healthy again . then maybe in 4 months later you will see a better improvment .
then you and bro could decide from there .
i am so sorry this happened to ur mom . 59 yrs old is way too young in fact i think my dad had a bad stroke at that age too , now he is 88 yrs old .
i hope ur mom will heal and get better .