My father is suffering from dementia and lately he has being saying hurtful things to my mom. Do we believe these hurtful things or is it the disease talking?

mepassine, please let your mother know to just pay no attention to any stories that bother her. My mother has dementia and can spin a tale. What she does is take something that is true from her past, then change it. I'll know the truth, so know it's just confabulation. The same may be happening for your father. Maybe he did see a pretty girl, remembers her, then added a bit of embellishment. When people do this, they believe the new story themselves... until they change the story once again. Unless we were there, we won't know what the real truth was.

If your dad has been a good, faithful husband for 60 years I think that it is the real truth. Anything else is either made up or doesn't matter anymore, anyway. Tell your mother just to nod and say yeah, yeah when your dad is spinning his fish tales.

gailh20, very much easier said than done! It is a huge challenge not to take these things personally. They definitely are not about you, but about the damage in his brain. It is Not Your Fault, and it definitely is Not His Fault, either. How awful it would be to not recognize your own wife, to be so out of touch with your own life that you make up stories to fill in the gaps. Heartbreaking!

When my husband was in a delusional state he thought our house was a train station or a motel and once in a while a high school. Poor dear. He did move out of that stage after a few months.

During that period this became my mantra: "This is not Coy behaving this way. It is his dementia."

Much easier said than done, but do keep trying very hard to not take these things personally. Learning more about dementia might help. Joining a local support group for caregivers of persons with dementia can help a lot, to see you are not alone. And interacting on this forum is useful too.

my husband has memory problems noticed about 7 months ago, I don't know how long he has had this disease , however lately he has been saying his wife is in Calif., we live in Arkansas, and have been married 45 years, it hurts to have him refer to me as a stranger and that he needs to get back to Calif to his wife. Also thinks he is in the Military and we live on an Army base, (he was never in the army) This is the biggest challenge I have has the full time caregiver, is not to take these comments personally, easier said then done.

My mother has dementia but has many very lucid moments... the spitting of food sometimes is just one way of saying I don't want this and don't like it and I'm not going to eat it... simply to do with the food, and one small area of their shrinking universe which they have any control over. But you are right about wondering about some of the things they say... they can't remember what they had for dinner just 20 minutes earlier and sometimes will tell you to "shut up" ...something totally out of their normal character, only minutes after adoringly smiling at you. It is confusing unless you remember that the mind is an extremely complex organ. Our loved ones may have parts of their past they have kept a mystery for loving reasons.. obviously if these things were true your dad didn't want them known when he had control over his faculties..sometimes it helps to remember that our loved ones need us to love them even when they can't love us back the way we want them to. The frustration they must be going through would drive anyone to anger ... and then they aren't able to deal with that anger rationally. Hope this helps.

naheaton, Thank you for "confabulation". I will look up all the info and copy and give to my Mom. Everyone, I'm glad for the input. This is such a awful disease for the person who has it, the family and the caregivers. It is helpful to have a place here to ask questions and get answers from people going though the same situations.

Mepass, there is a name for what your dad is doing, it's called Confabulation my mother-in-law does it all the time, except she's not mean. Here's the definition I found: Confabulation is the spontaneous narrative report of events that never happened. It consists of the creation of false memories, perceptions, or beliefs about the self or the environment—usually as a result of neurological or psychological dysfunction.[1] When it is a matter of memory, confabulation is the confusion of imagination with memory, or the confused application of true memories.[2] Confabulations are difficult to differentiate from delusions and from lying.[3] With respect to memory, wild confabulations about one's past are rare in the absence of organic causes (e.g., brain damage), and the term "confabulation" is often restricted to these types of distortions. In contrast, even neurologically intact people are susceptible to memory errors or confusions due to psychological causes

My mom has dementia and remembers things that never happened and then asks me if I remember?? She thinks she used to work at the ALF she now lives in and also thinks she used to vacation there years ago. There are two male caregivers that she thinks she used to date and talks about it all the time.....but not my dad that died 4 yrs ago??? You just never know..

I use to work in a pretty decent Alzheimer nursing facility in the office but frequently I would have to walk the halls. I found out pretty quick that once a person into ALZ the personality can change pretty drastically. Normally docile people can become violent, quiet people can become verbally abusive and vulgar and some people almost become invisible. It is a horrible disease. Sometimes it is kind of like becoming a mischievious child again.
I realize your mom is older too and what probably upsets her the most is the loss of the husband she use to have.

You just never know. But in this case I we know what the mother needs to know -- it is the disease talking.

Well you never know. Whatever the case, I would go along with 'it's the disease" to keep your mom happy.

However, my assistant found out that her mom's favorite child, the oldest son, was fathered by the next door neighbor. Her mom got Alz while still kinda young, Anyways, one day we went by to drop off some mail and her mom thought I was the neighbor's wife and got all "he loves me best" and talking about "their" child on us. Came totally out of the blue and I had been there before. It was spooky.

Long story short- 5 kids in the family, the oldest son is the "bad" one (drugs, prison, 3 illegit kids) but their mom just adored him above all the others and always bailed him out of whatever. When she got moved to a Alz lock down, they went through her things and there were all these letters that showed that the neighbor was the father. It was pretty rough on all.

My mom has LBD and with her the stories are easily figured out to be fantasy. But my godmother had ALZ and I think some of the things she said were things that she had repressed for years that finally came out. You just never know.

It is the disease talking. I truly beleive you that your dad was not like that at all. I feel very bad for your mother but I have faith in your whole family that you will be strong and not let that disease crumble you to bits.

yes it is the disease. My husband has had it since 07. He has said and done some things that I never thought he would do. Tall tales and abusive. Usually right after or a little after he will say I didnt say that or do that. The doctors say he little time left but he is not confined to bed. He can walk even if its baby steps. Does not like to go out.
He has all but quit eating. spits his food out and also his drink. Hospice came but I really dont know what they could do that I am not doing. So I will just carry on. One thing his breath really is bad and he will not let me and he will not brush his teeth. any suggestion there? God Bless us all.

Thank you for your post. My Mother is so embarassed by this, she didn't want me to tell my sister or anyone in the family. I have been looking online for something for her to read, to see that it's not Dad, it's the disease. I do plan on talking with someone from Hospice and letting them know what has been said and to talk to her. When Mom told me about this, she couldn't stop crying. My Dad would be so upset with himself for saying these things. Thank you again for your post and i'll keep looking for something for her to read to help her see it's the disease.

You are absolutely right that this is the disease and not your father talking. At this point he himself doesn't know whether he is talking about something that happened in the past, something he read about, something he fantasized, or a mix of plots from television shows. People with dementia can do and say things totally out of character. They may believe their delusions, but that doesn't make them true in the outside world. If he "knew" that your mother was having affairs with the doctors he has seen, that wouldn't be true, either.

I hope the hospice workers might be able to comfort your mother. A doctor or social worker could explain to her (more objectively than you can) that this is not an uncommon situation. What drives a demented peson to lash out at the ones they love and who are caring for them is a mystery. I hope your poor mother can find the strength to not take it personally and to keep reassuring your father that she has loved him for 60 years and loves him now.

What a cruel disease this is!