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newatthis63 Asked August 2011

Did you feel guilty when you put your mom in a nursing home?

My mother is 90 years young and I am her daughter of 63-have been my mother caregiver since last year-I am in poor health I have CHFand a very bad back it is getting to the point that I am not taking care of her like in the beginning. She does not want to go to a nursing home and I do not want to send her to one but my health is going downhill. I feel so guilty about doing this but I know this is probably the best- this way she will have someone to look after her 24 /7 and to take care of her like it should be done. right now my back is hurting so bad that I can not stand up straihgt but my mother still wants me to do all for her. I no longer can. Is there anyone else out there that felt guilty when they had to put their mother in a nursing home and does it get any better when it happen? Because at this moment I do not feel that good about putting her there but I know within my mind that this is the best.

Please, give me some understanding in this.

Confused

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anonymous154157 Apr 2013
same thing happened to me. i couldn't do it anymore, i put her in and i felt guilty. I go to see her every day, but its not quality time. she cries, she says she wants to go home. she makes me feel more guilty every day. i hope your experience will be backrubs and card games, but don't count on it.
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jeannegibbs Aug 2011
When your mother is in the NH you can spend as much time with her as you both like. And it will really be quality time. You won't be doing the tasks that hurt your back and wear you out. You'll be giving her a gentle backrub, or playing cards, or gossiping about celebreties, or remembering pleasant times. If you are thinking of sending to a nursing home and never seeing her again, then shame on you -- you should feel guilty. But I trust that you intend to treat her with love and respect, just in a different setting. Nothing to feel guilty about there.
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notrydoyoda Aug 2011
You have not done anything wrong, immoral or illegal. Many of us feel guilty because we wish we could fix things and make them better. Your own health in is jeopardy and please know that you did the right thing. Did your mother make you promise her years ago to never put her in a nursing home? If so, that might be where the guilt is coming from or from some overwhelming sense of obligation.
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