i was told sheis slowly dieing and hospice is here but this disease pd is horrible it has been very hard to watch andave advanced stages of pd im so lost now thats it no more family i feel like a orphan but mostly i feel so sorry for my mom this is the hardest thing i have ever done oplease someone did anyones parent h
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EVERYONE
IN
THIS
FORUM
NEEDS
TO WATCH BARBARA KARNES
VIDEO
ON THE PROCESS OF DYING.
I am glad I did, and I feel more confident and prepared to give my mom and myself the best way to handle the inevitable. Lots to think about, and a very good video. Thank you for suggesting I watch it. I am thankful, and actually more at ease, understanding the stages of dying.
Best regards to all,
M88
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My grief began with my Mother a long time before she left.I watched her loose one thing after another ...I have no idea what stage I am at and no one to talk to but very thankfully you all here on Aging Care.To All Take Care...
And for all the rest of you still struggling with grief, whether recent or not... ((hugs))
Also, talk to us more.
I would say cry when you can. Its a release. I've not been able to till this last week. My husband hates it when I cry so I just disappear into the bathroom or whereever. But cry your heart out if it helps I say. I'm finally goiing to look into grief counsellling as well.
Hang in there Lucky!
I'm sorry you lost your dear Mother.I lost mine 69 days ago.I know you miss your Mom,like I do...Horribly!Take care of yourself and again,I'm so sorry.
Lu
One thing that helped us a lot was a booklet that a friend (who went through the same thing) gave us called, "Gone From My Sight." It describes what to expect at the various stages of the death process in someone who is terminally ill. Knowing these things helped us accept what was happening, and, unlike his sibs who insisted that she had to FIGHT this process, we accepted the process and were determined to give her a "good death." This is really what she wanted, and she told me this as soon as she knew that she was terminally ill.
So hubby took the day shift and I took the night shift. We pretty much ignored his sibs (not easy) and took all of the near-death behavior in stride. On her last day the hospice nurse told us her time would be a matter of hours. His sibs all left, not wanting to be a part of it. My husband and I sat by her bedside, talked to her - even though she was not conscious - prayed for her and held her hand as she drew her last breath. We then called Hospice and I helped the nurse prepare her for the funeral director to come get her.
This was not an easy experience, by any means. But I was able to accept her death because I believed that we had given her the best care possible at this critical point of her life. I would not trade that experience for the world.
As for his sibs, they still struggle. Some accuse us of hastening her death because we didn't encourage her to fight. Others thanked us for having the courage to do what we did.
Now I am in the situation of watching my own parents die by inches. They are basically healthy, but have congestive heart failure and some other organ and orthopedic issues that come with old age. Their bodies are just wearing out. When the time comes, my sisters and I will know we did everything we could. And we will be ready for this to end.
In time those memories will fade and all the good times will be remembered. God bless you for being with her at her time of need.
The nursing home my aunt and father-in-law were in, said in their experience many older people go right after loved ones leave them for the day, perhaps wanting to spare them that part of death. Don't know if that was true but we were told my aunt could die at any moment. I told her brother was coming to see her one last time. He was 2 hours away. HE got there and spent some time with her. Then he left and told her he was getting something to eat but would return before he had to go home for the day. He came back and said good-bye and had to leave, as his ride had to go. She passed on right after we all left the nursing home. My father-in-law did the same thing.
My name is Marianne. I took care of my mother physically by myself from 2004 to 2009 following her stroke and have watched closely as almost all of her faculties have slowly diminished. Yes, taking care of a parent we love and watching them go downhill is certainly one of the most difficult things we will ever do or experience--especially when we love our parents and family members. So much of what happens in the dying process, especially with cancer is difficult to face. There is no answer to "why"... But there are ways you can get through this better-- First, you need to enlist some help so that you can take a break-- while that may sound self-indulgent, it isn't, you need to take a step back during the day (maybe a couple of times) so you can respond to your mom's needs lovingly and with a clear head. In a sense, you (and your siblings?) are now "the parent" and are "in charge". If you have siblings who can help, that's great. I did not. My one sibling lives far away and could not "physically" be here to help me and before I nearly broke down under the emotional strain of caring for my mom fulltime. It happens and you need to be aware of that. So I finally began looking for and found others to help me--that is not always easy either. The folks from a local nursing home, hospital and hospice could point you to some in-home care "agencies" in your area and there are still others, perhaps a visiting nurses program from your local hospital where the nurse comes to your mother to change dressings, ets (?). Social Services (in our area) has been helpful. I don't know what kind of community you live in but if there is a church, synagogue, mosque or other organization, sometimes you can call a pastor or religious community leader(s) to ask for people-help...they are usually the ones who hear of the needs first and often have the resources to search out responsible people and community organizations who can help you--often, free of charge. Also organizations like Kiwanis and Rotary often help by sending volunteers to just simply sit with your loved one to give you a break, so that you can take a walk or simply get some sleep. There is something you may want to do and that is, get some grief counseling. It's not bad--and it doesn't hurt. It's hard to displace the feelings you are experiencing--I know it was awful for me. My mother is 102. When she was 99, I finally had to surrender her care to a nursing home and, because I could not physically see it thru to the end, I felt extremely guilty. I go now to her nursing home every day-- and interact with the nursing home personnel and there are a different set of problems. Your parent's pain is something I did not have to deal with, my mother was not in much pain (just emotional pain not being able to talk, etc.)-- but you might consult her physician to help her have relief for the physical pain. And you may want to consult your own physician to make sure you are maintaining your health and emotional balance while going thru this very, very tough time. It's not easy, especially for a person who has deep feelings for their parent. We may be societal "throw-backs" (someone once told me) because we want to care for our parents--I took on the job and I am not sorry. Sometimes it's very hard to admit that we are not completely capable of doing it all. After 7 years of trying, I know I am not completely capable. I did the best I could (most of the time). But I felt very badly when I had to "give up" 100% of her care--, and while I gave up most of the physical one-on-one care, I did not give up. I volunteer at her nursing home and go every evening to feed, diaper, and put her to bed. It is now what I can do for her. So my recommendation is, first, get some rest, then take a step back--assess your situation (vis a vis getting additional help in), do what you can do for your mom and enlist the help of others-- this is when you need to lean on others (maybe people you don't know yet, even!) for support. We will keep you and your dear mom in our thoughts.
A whole new set of feelings, and a situation we cannot resolve for the good of everyone. But then, I try to see it from the other side, and realize that it's selfish to try to shield myself from the pain of the situation, when she has given me her all and she is truly ready to be finished with her life. I want that for her, because she is tired. She has had to give up her "things" that she enjoyed having around her. She has stretched her funds as far as they would go and she now needs services from agencies, with people who don't really know her. She is beyond the ability to choose her place, her time, her daily life. These things are all planned without her input. She is fragile, isolated, and has outlived all her friends and family, as well as her eyesight and her hearing. I cannot give her these things back. All I can really do is insist that she be regarded as a valuable, beloved and respected woman with a powerful spirit, and try to comfort her and see to her needs as best I can, knowing her time is short and praying she feels no pain.