My grandmother has 5 children, 15 grandchildren, good financial resources and her home is that gathering place for our whole family, my cousins come through to stay a few day routinely, some every few weeks, some a few times a year. Two of her children live nearby and visit routinely, and my aunt lives 5 hours away but will come and stay for a week or weekend every few months.
My sister and I have lived with my grandmother on and off for most of our adult life (I am 27,) and the care that my sister and I have provided has given my grandmother a very smooth transitions from independent adult to dependent senior. It has worked well for all of us, my grandmother got loving care and company (her husband, my grandfather, died over 40 years ago, when the kids were very young) and my sister and I had a home base while we were in school, sorting out early relationships, etc. But in the last year I have finished nursing school, and my grandmother's needs have intensified, and her mood has darkened. She is unhappy with all the food brought into the house and cannot/will not understand that she is no longer capable of cooking for herself (she is physically weak from arthritis, and is very forgetful and easily confused.) She complains that she is lonely when no one is visiting and that people are to noisy and disorganized when her family is around, she is insulting to some of my cousins and their spouses, calling them fat and sneering about them behind their backs, these judgments are not out or character, but she is so much less subtle and no longer expresses any regret or caution when she say such mean things. I feel like my love for her is being pushed to the breaking point, I desperately want to move out and start my own life, my sister needs to focus on her new marriage and career, and my mother and aunt are also busy, enjoying post child freedom, starting new jobs and projects. My mother has hired I house keeper to come in two morning a week, and she is working out well, but the implications of this have upset my grandmother, as has my request that my uncle come and cook dinner every sunday. I feel like my grandmother's decline must be due in part to my impending departure, and as I have no marriage planned, do not plan to have children, start a family etc, that it is foolish of me to place my meager life plans (live alone and knit and garden a lot) ahead of maintaing maximum stability for her in the last years of her life.
Aside from arthritis and increasing confusion and memory problems she is in good health, and could live for another decade. I feel like at the end of that time I would be a shell of my self and my life would have passed me by.
I want to be able to go visit my boyfriend with out having to notify my mother/sister. I want to enjoy the dinner I've cooked without someone complaining about it, I want to plant a garden without someone coming along behind me and removing my labels and planting on top of what I have planted, and I want to invite my BF over and have some privacy, without family likely to drop by at any time and without having interrupt our evening at 9pm to check if grandma has taken her meds.
Mostly I just want some time alone, and not have to listen to her litany of worries and complaints (the same every day) after I get home form work. And I want to enjoy her company again, she used to be such a wonderful woman.
What should I do?
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As far as guilt about moving on with your life, I thought that SO SO SO many times in the two years, for me the decision to move on with my life would result in her going into the nursing home and that was something I wasn't going to put her through, I gave up my life to make sure she stayed home till the end. Looking back I would NOT have traded it for anything in the world. If she were still alive I would still be doing it. That is something you must really sit back and think about. YOU AND ONLY YOU have to handle the outcome good or bad. If you choose to stay and continue to care for her will it be easy no you will feel stressed, tired, exhaused, overwhelemed, but you did it to the best of your ability. If you choose to move on that wont be easy either but you will be doing that to the best of your ability.
Now my sister worked a full time job in the day time so what we did that worked for us like I said we bounced off each other. I stayed home and took care of her from 730am-600pm then when my sister came home we had dinner touched basis on what went on through the day usally we on her way home from work, then I would go out and do my thing till 11 or 12 at night go to my aunts, church, walmart, something that got me a break but I could have my life as well.
I hope this helps you out.
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is in Asst. Living and am getting them to do alot of her follow up dr. appts. I am very concerned about what this is doing to my health. It is important for you to take care of yourself. Life is too short to feel it is always grueling. I struggle with this. So, I am taking practical steps to improve my life, while making sure my mother's needs are met. I have to! Perhaps you should sit down with your family (at least you have support) and work out a plan perhaps to get her more care so you can have a life. You at least, are young. I am 53, and want to live. My teeenage son has been neglected because of some intense seasons (hospital, rehab stays). And he has gotten into trouble. I have to make changes and you do too. We may always struggle with guilt, but if we know in our hearts we have done what we could, then at least we have that.
thanks to everyone for your answers, all gave me some much needed perspective, from others who are also caregivers, something I've been feeling a lack of. Particularly helpful was the question of weather or not would would want to leave if my grandmother's moods had not become so difficult. hearing this reminded me that I have planned to move upon graduation since I first moved in, and also that my grandmother has in that past been very consistent in saying that this arrangement will only last as long as it is beneficial to both of us.
I was feeling quite lost when I wrote this question, and the intervening days, conversations with a few family members and all your thoughtful answers have made me feel on firmer ground.
So as soon as I find a position that allows me to do so I will be moving out, and my aunts and uncles will have full opportunity to benefit from the growth experience that is care giving.
Also, thanks to the people who mentioned that a simpler existence might be less upsetting for Grandma, I'm not sure how this would be implemented in my family, but it is an important thought, that the warm but sometimes loud and chaotic bosom of family may not be the best place to live at 90.
My condolences on your loss, and my thanks for sharing such a recent loss. Your home must feel so empty with her gone.
It is this sudden end, in part, that makes me want a little distance, when she is gone I want to remember her whole life (or the last 27 years anyway) that I got to be a part of, and I want to do it in a place where I will not be crushed by the absence of her wandering, bitter, final incarnation.
and before her passing I want to be some one she is happy to see again, rather then the chiding task mistress I must now be so much of the time.
again, my condolences, remember your love for her, your love that was expressed every time you used a fantasy of escape to get you through another day caring for her when she needed you. Bless you and be well.
Caregiver's Lament
I'd like to set aside a minute,
To see if there is pleasure in it...
To take a cleansing breath so deep,
That I'll forget my lack of sleep.
I'd like to set aside an hour,
To prune a shrub, to plant a flower...
To find a hidden shady nook,
Where I could sit and read a book.
I'd like to set aside a day,
To give myself some time to play...
To take a stroll around the park,
To linger out, way after dark.
I'd like to set aside some time,
To paint a picture, pen a rhyme...
Regain a bit of sweet control,
To do those things that soothe my soul.
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